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Coaching Tips: Friends, Family & More

Soulwork Life Coach Training

Coaching your Friends

Some people may assume that their acquaintance or relationship with you implies that you will freely provide coaching for them. After all - don't you help people solve relationship, health and success problems? And isn't that what friends do?

If you want to lose both clients and friends - accept friends as non-paying clients. Unless you very carefully set up a professional space for your work - your friends will cease being friends - and they are very unlikely to become your clients.

I'm not talking about casual supportive conversation - I'm talking about you dedicating your attention, knowledge and skills on another person's life for a few hours.

Healthy people will feel obligated towards you, and dislike the feeling in your debt. To avoid that feeling of debt (usually called guilt) - they may look for a way to repay you - or they may unconsciously sabotage your free coaching work. Free coaching is often a lose-lose proposition.

(Nor do I recommend that you ask clients to "pay by donation". I tried it for a couple of months. Perhaps donations are OK if you own your home and you are on a diet.)

Also, when working with friends, you may uncover some emotional or financial conflicts of interest. Someone may ask you for coaching on how to expand into your specialties ... in your home area. Someone may ask for advice about how to date your partner. (It happens!) If you are successful - then you could feel REALLY stupid. And if you are not successful ... you probably don't like that feeling either.

You can set up an "emotionally clean" space for professional coaching; or you can refer friends and family to other helping professionals. Or you can risk losing your friends and alienating your family. Choose well.

Verbal Aikido Systemic Coach Training

Coaching your Family

If you want to alienate a partner or other adult family member, pushing your coaching at them is a great way to do it. Not only are you unlikely to enjoy success, your whole family system may react against you - unless they perceive you as having very high authority and dripping with pearls of wisdom.

Is that a role you really want? The higher your pedestal - the further you fall. And if you push to get it - what are your consequences?  Better to refer your family to your coach colleagues - perhaps with a reciprocal arrangement that you can coach your colleagues' family.

Mentoring and coaching children, or coaching adults in some specific task such as fishing or car repair is generally safe. But when you get into emotions - you will get into entanglements - yours and theirs - and likely get lost.

Excuses, excuses, excuses

Systemic coaching, life coaching, therapeutic coaching and organizational coaching ... even spiritual coaching ... you invested a lot of your time, your energy and your money to learn coaching skills, to develop yourself as a coach, and to build your practice.

After providing a few thousand hours of individual, couple and family coaching, you will likely become an expert on excuses. Some clients won't do homework and some clients will not be punctual. Some clients won't show for appointments, some will perpetually forget to pay you and one or two may try to cheat you. This will likely continue until you change your attitude.

No-Shows

How many times have you refused or postponed highly motivated potential clients - and then a client does not show for an appointment? Or, maybe 15 minutes before, or 15 minutes after, the appointed time, the client calls and say, "I'm sorry I can't come, because ..."

The most common types of excuses I hear are:

•  "... my car is not working / not available"
•  "... there was an accident / construction on the road"
•  "... the bus / tram / train / taxi was late"
•  "... my relative / pet / friend is sick"

Sometimes the stories are true. Yet of those clients who do it to you once, over half will do it twice. Of those whom you let do it twice, 90% will do it three times - or until you say STOP!

You can print on an your appointment cards, "Change appointments at least 24 hours in advance or you will be charged for your appointment." And follow through. You might say "I cannot charge them for something they did not get". Then, when your clients return for coaching, your irritation may interfere with your effectiveness. And they will likely do it again. And again.

Professional Referrals

Some people have problems that you cannot help them with. They may be bankrupt, psychotic, or have a terminal disease. They may need a lawyer - an accountant - a psychiatrist or a medical doctor. You can refer unsuitable clients to appropriate professionals.

To increase your credibility; develop your knowledge and vocabulary about other specialties. For example, know the names of common legal, financial, psychological and psychiatric terms, and what they mean, even if you disagree with the terminology. Sooner or later a potential client will have a legal, financial or emotional Pandora's Box that you do not want to open.

Personality Disorders Developmental Disorders Attachment Disorders

Occasionally, a potential client is suicidal, psychotic or criminal ... you can make a list of professionals to whom you can refer such clients. Also identify some friendly professionals in medicine, banking and law. If you can make a reciprocal arrangement so that those professionals refer people who want relationship coaching or life coaching to you - so much the better.

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Copyright © Jan Sikorski 2002, 2005 All rights reserved.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2011 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks, improve relationships and achieve goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... ask for permission to post, publish or teach this work.