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We present interactive seminars and
demonstration-rich workshops on systemic coaching, emotional intelligence,
family chaos and relationship bonds. Email us about workshops.
Living and non-living elements of our ecosystem influence
each other in complex patterns of interdependency, and human relationships are
part of that complexity. Human relationships are influenced by biological
imperatives (e.g. you need intimacy), governmental regulations
(e.g. how much intimacy is allowed?), cultural traditions
(e.g. where you can be intimate?) and family rules (e.g. with whom you
may enjoy intimacy?).
Each human being is a member of many relationship systems, and
subject to the often-complex, often-contradictory and often-unknown rules of
those systems. Complex relationship rules often hide under simple verbalizations (e.g.
"Be polite" as guidance for behavior when meeting
strangers).
| Systemic rules are often confusing
and paradoxical - in some human relationships
it is against the rules to discuss the rules. Common punishments
include criticism and ostracism. |
Relationship rules can be explored by observation,
conversation and testing. Objective rules are often conscious and documented, following
patterns set by tradition and precedence. Subjective rules are often
unconscious and unwritten, following patterns learned during childhood.
Coaching Philosophy & Coaching Technique
Within complex relationship systems, there are no
right cultures, no true worldviews and no correct
philosophies. Nor are there right ways to change. There are rules
and consequences. Effective relationship solutions can be provided by
people who understand systemic rules and the consequences of systemic
change - and who are motivated to provide them.
Many student helping professionals don't want philosophy
- they only want technique. Yet technique
without understanding can lead to failure or worse. Students obsessed
with technique do not realize that systems
theory enables them to create and customize systemic interventions.
Understanding system dynamics inspires creativity. Obsession with
technique can lead to
client abuse and
mentor damage.
Changing or modifying relationship behavior for a short
term is relatively easy. Changing relationship behavior in
ways that benefit the families of origin, friends, teams, partnerships and
communities for long periods requires an in-depth knowledge of those
relationship systems.
| Good relationship coaching is not
about technique - it's about integrity. "Is a proposed change
in the best interest of everybody involved?" This simple
question asks that consequences to other people be considered
and evaluated. |
[
Coaching in Chaos .
Expert Modeling ]
Limits to Conversation?
Changing relationships needs candid and kind conversations. Many
attempts have been made to codify, guide, regulate and limit the
conversations that are called coaching,
counseling, consulting and therapy.
The presuppositions of those codes, guidelines and regulations reflect the
beliefs of the writers about the needs of the readers.
The International Coaching Federation (ICF), for
example, define a coach's responsibilities based on a presupposition that
every client is expert, creative, resourceful and whole.
ICF Coaching Philosophy
The International Coach Federation ... honors the
client as the expert in his/her life and work, and believes that every
client is creative, resourceful and whole. Standing on this foundation,
the coach's responsibility is to:
- Discover, clarify, and align with
what the client wants to achieve
- Encourage client self-discovery
- Elicit client-generated solutions and
strategies
- Hold the client responsible and
accountable
From ICF Standards, revised July 2002 |
Abstract guidelines lacking supportive evidence
may sound nice and impress readers. They may be true for some people, but cannot
provide useful guidance for complex conversations. Based on our years of
experience, most people are not expert in, but blissfully unaware of
their systemic dynamics; most people cannot specify what they want; self-discovery
may discover unpleasant emotional issues; client-generated solutions
may be highly unrealistic and many people strive to avoid
responsibility and accountability.
Personal Philosophy
Your personal philosophy is about how
you perceive life. It reflects your moral standards and principles and
it influences your opinions, values and beliefs. Your personal philosophy
influences how you understand reality, how you
make decisions, how you behave and how you accept the consequences
of your actions.
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A personal philosophy reflects relationship integrity
and influences how a person relates to trainers,
colleagues and clients. Knowing this can help you
decide how to trust a person. Some questions can help indicate
whether a person is using technique, or coaching unique human beings:
- Why do you want to help me change my
relationships?
- Why do you ask me for this particular information?
- Why do you give me this
advice?
- Why do you choose this
strategy?
- What do you expect to result from this
change?
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Relationship Coaching: Codes of Ethics
As a personal philosophy is abstract; practical
ethics are easier to specify. Practical codes of ethics
for relationship coaching can include:
- offering
paid services only if competent
- claiming only qualifications that are possessed
- respecting each
member of a relationship system
- clarifying relationships and boundaries with
clients
- maintaining confidentiality
- upholding
applicable laws
- making appropriate referrals
How to Become Whys
Relationship coaching is a series of conversations.
For conversations to be useful, and for changes to be beneficial and
lasting, coaching conversations cover a spectrum of topics. The topics
often include education about the causes of relationship habits, the
consequences of changing and not changing, and about how to develop
appropriate relationship skills.
A coach and client can also discuss their relationship:
- how the coach's goals,
training and experience are relevant
- how the clients'
background and history support his or her goals
- how they can together choose appropriate techniques or strategies
- how they can test success and effectiveness in the real world
| Questions that explore coaching integrity
include "What does a client want?", "What
does a client pay for?" and "What does a client
get?" These questions apply equally to students. |
The philosophy of Soulwork systemic coaching has been
evolving since its creation in 1994.
[ Soulwork Code
of Conduct .
Systems Theory ]
Systemic Coaching Philosophy
A systemic philosophy of coaching integrates empathy,
acceptance, empowerment and authenticity
to help people begin, improve, maintain and end
relationships. A systemic coach can recognize relationship
types and patterns, and predict the consequences of changework.
Systemic coaching is about observing and
managing relationships. Expertise in systemic coaching
requires training, supervision and mentorship to:
- dialogue without need or dependency
- fine-tune goals that affect many people
- recognize cross-generational relationship patterns
- resolve relationship transferences and
identifications
- fulfill responsibility to self, client and clients'
systems
- live with integrity
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Systemic coaching is not psychotherapy - it does
not not require regression nor deep analysis of past events.
It is not religious - a systemic coach is not an
authority on how people should live their lives. It is not psychology
- we have no pre-systemic fascination with statistics. Nor is it medicine
- a coach does not diagnose medical conditions nor prescribe medical
treatment. And it is certainly not New Age - we prefer
prophet-free organizations.
Systemic diagnosis, goal diagnosis and Dreamwork are basic tools of
our systemic coaching
- for resolving identity loss, trauma and mentor damage.
With these tools, systemic coaching can:
- provide a safe environment for complex change
- provide systemic diagnosis of
relationships
- foretell
consequences of relationship choices
- indicate
the conditions for each choice
- indicate
skills that can fulfill the chosen offers
- indicate tests of effectiveness in
the real world
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Bottom Line
A coach with an appropriate personal philosophy, suitable training, quality
supervision and a desire to live with integrity can help clients achieve miracles.
A lack of one of these can allow a coach to abuse clients, perhaps bringing
confusion or suffering to families or other relationship systems. Client damage can
hurt both the coach and the abused clients. The bottom line? Get high
quality systemic coach training, presented by experienced trainers who
demonstrate systemic coaching with many different people.
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