• Heard during Coaching (really!)

I don't want to solve my conflict - I want revenge!
I took an intelligence test and the results were negative.
I don't know whether to have a baby or to get a dog.
I spent a lot of money on opera, dinner and drinks - and she didn't invite me home.
My son doesn't know that his girlfriend is a bad choice. She's exactly opposite to me.
I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
A good solution to my problem would be someone I can blame.
Of course I'm unique - just like everyone else.
I do use my imagination - I'm really suspicious.

Why should I suffer in silence when I can complain?
When I want to relax I think about ways I can get revenge.
Women should say "Yes" or "No" quickly to save unnecessary effort.
I do take responsibility for my actions, when they are not someone else's fault.
I do accept my personality problems - without them I would have no personality.
First I say nice things about myself, then, I do nice things for myself, then I find someone to buy nice things for me.
I do NOT sit in my living room watching TV all day. I also have a TV in my bedroom.
Who do I blame for my problems? ... I can always find someone to blame!
How can I divorce my wife without telling her? She will be very angry.
Only people as intelligent as I am can possibly understand me.

I don't want to tell so many lies but I do want to keep my job.
My wife helps me appreciate how very wonderful is my girlfriend.
Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am worrying about my future?
If a relationship works - there's not much to talk about; and if it doesn't work - there's nothing to talk about.
I find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
How do you spell PTSD?
I want to change my future.
My boyfriend had a heart attack while making love to me. I didn't know that people could die so happy.
All I want is a partner who is rich, sexy, educated, charming and who loves me.
What is it about me that attracts idiots?
Please make it didn't happen!

I don't want to change anything - I just want to complain.
My husband made me come to see you. I want you to prove him wrong.
What's wrong with acting childishly? Even children can do it.

•  Simplicity Made Easy

A client had taken psychoanalysis for years to get rid of a fear that a rapist might hide under her bed. On her second Soulwork session she said "I met my psychoanalyst and I told him that I came for Soulwork. I told him I was cured in ONE session!"

The analyst said, "Nothing could possibly change in one session!"

She said, "I told him that you said I should take the legs off my bed."

•  The doctor is IN

As a medical doctor, I am normally relaxed with medical problems. When a patient complained of a problem with his penis, I noticed that his penis was much smaller than normal - really tiny. I couldn't help smiling, and my patient was angry. I quickly put on my professional face, apologized and assured him that I would not laugh again, and asked him what exactly was the problem.

Watching me carefully, he replied "It's swollen".

•  Lies Told by Students:

It doesn't bother me if my classmate earns $80,000 a year
I'd be delighted to translate your article
My work has a lot of practical importance
Your last article inspired me
I will attend one more workshop and then I'll find clients

• Lies Told by Trainers:

• Lies Told by Clients:

I will pay you when I can afford it
You're the best therapist in the world
I will do every part of my homework
I have done every part of my homework
I only want to make other people happy
I will solve that problem tomorrow

• Avoiding Exercises

We didn't actually DO the exercise - but we did TALK about it
I didn't like the exercise so I asked my partner to massage me instead
Your exercise was too difficult so we made up our own exercise
My exercise partner was just like my mother - she didn't like me at all
We weren't sure what to do next so we went to a coffee bar
I asked my spirit guides do the exercise for me
I told my exercise partner what I intuited about her sex life and now she won't talk to me

I didn't do the exercise because:

• I'm a philosopher
• None of those bastards will talk to me
• I didn't want to learn anything more today
• I only do exercises with my boyfriend
• We both needed a cigarette
  

• What Trainers Really Mean

Everybody knows that
 [I didn't know that]

It's impossible - it can't be done
 [I don't know how to do it]

Not much is known about that
 [I don't know much about that]

It has long been known ...
 [I didn't check this reference]

It is believed that ...
 [I think it's true]

It is generally believed that...
 [A few other people think so, too]

More work is needed before we completely understand it
 [I don't understand it]

•  Martyn, agreeable as usual ...

If you ask "Is it possible that ...?" - my answer is "Yes"
If you ask "Is it this way or that way?" - my answer is "Yes"
If you ask "Do I always do it that way?" - my answer is "No"
If you ask "Is it true or false?" - my answer is "Exactly"

•  I Missed my Appointment

The date on the calendar was closer than I thought
I'm sorry but I started to feel better
You didn't empower me enough
I discovered a fear of success
You're not seeing the big picture
I didn't want to tell you I wasn't coming in case you felt bad

I know that you can solve all my problems in one session
I want to be a virgin again
I want everybody to love me
The police followed me here
How was I to know it belonged to a Mafia boss?
 

If it's meant to be - it will happen
You must completely heal me before I promote your training
I don't need to promote you - I know all my friends will come
I have few friends and little credibility
I can put an advertisement in the library to find 30 participants
How could I predict that would happen?
Some of the students are diagnosed psychotics
Relax ... they're on medication ... I hope ...

The group is a mixture of business consultants and psychic counselors
I will promote you how I think you should be promoted
My expenses should be your risk
Your expenses are your problem
I told them that you can solve all their problems in one weekend
I'm sorry that the training room is very close to a ...
I told them that you can channel alien life forms
Your translator is 15 years old

You can stay with me in my one room apartment
You can solve my problems in the evenings
It's your fault for thinking bad thoughts
You can heal my psychotic brother on your day off
I know I agreed to settle finances today, but ...
All my friends told me that they would come
I need your money more than you need it
At the last moment I decided I wasn't ready

It's not my fault that you bought those airline tickets
You must tell me everything about your private life
You must tell me about everybody you meet or talk to
I'm sorry - I can't stop acting like a control freak
I really thought that there would be enough people
The ONLY thing I forgot to tell them was the date of your seminar
Your translator only criticizes you when she doesn't understand you
You can sleep in our son's bedroom - he's in hospital with an infectious disease

I booked the wrong flight - but I expect you to pay for it
You must let your high self decide that I am right
It wasn't meant to happen this way
I'm sorry that you trusted me

•  Trainers we didn't certify

I accept ANYBODY into my courses - who will pay
I don't need your approval to teach your work
Please don't confuse me with facts
Copyright and intellectual property are obsolete concepts
I can't teach if there are skeptics in the room
I protect my students from reality

If I read an article about something - I can teach it
If I don't know it - it's not worth knowing
I don't teach practical skills ... I explain why people must change
If you don't trust me, you are a bad person
Why should I demonstrate - it would only confuse them
Of course I'm right - I've been teaching it that way for years
Their spirit guides will reveal the details to them when they are ready

I only graduate students who are like me
They can learn more from my metaphors than from my demonstrations
I am very flexible - people can agree with me any way that they want
Don't worry - their unconscious minds are getting it
Privacy and confidentiality are not valid in a classroom setting
I give all students a Universal Elite Grand Master certificate!

It's rude to laugh at sad stories, yet some of these still cause me to laugh out loud. Many of these lines remind me of difficult conversations with unusual people. And maybe you were there. Martyn Carruthers