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Me present interactive and
demonstration-rich workshops on systemic coaching, relationships, resolving
family chaos and relationship management.
Relationships
Your relationships with family,
friends, colleagues or a partner can
bring love, pleasure, support and happiness into your life. They can
also bring suffering, guilt and depression if they go wrong. However,
most problems can be resolved - if the problems are recognized.
Common Relationship Problems
Friendship - teamwork
- partnership - parenthood ... no
relationship runs smoothly all the time. Different personal histories,
expectations, or communication skills will surface. Sometimes
distractions will arise. Sometimes you may not know how to make or keep
good relationships. You can solve relationship problems and enrich your
life with Soulwork systemic solutions.
Basic Relationship Coaching
- Know what you want from each relationship
- Find out what other people want
from their relationship with you
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Decide which needs you can
fulfill in which relationships
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Discuss your wishes and dreams
- and your demands and dependencies
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Understand and respect
different points of view and different needs
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Discuss what you want from each
other
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No one person can fulfill all
your relationship needs
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Accept the differences between
your ideals and your reality
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When critical differences show
up, get quality coaching or mentorship
Money Problems
How do you decide about money?
Individually or together? How do you decide about how money should be
earned and spent? Who pays the bills? How much goes to savings, to
charity and for expenses? How are expensive decisions (tuition,
childcare, mortgage, car purchase) decided? Does everybody control their
own money or is it pooled? Is each person expected to bring an income?
If not, how is it decided who it will work?
Family Problems
You cannot demand that
your partner like your family, or vice versa. Talk with your partner
about your family. You can continue your intimate
relationship even if your families disagree.
Friend Problems
Do you believe you have to abandon
your friends to be with your partner? Giving up your friends to be in a
partnership is asking for trouble. Neither should you assume
that your partner will like your friends as much as you do. You might ask: "Which
of my friends do you enjoy seeing and which would you rather I see when I'm not with you?"
Time Problems
Hopefully, you enjoy time with your
family, friends, colleagues partner and children. Hopefully they enjoy
time with you. And sometimes they - and you - will want time alone. If you interpret this as, "they don't
care for me" or "they do not accept, or
like or love me" you will make problems. Talk to them
about what you and
they need. Perhaps you can enjoy more time together with freedom to be
alone or with others, without feeling rejected or neglected. Demands for
attention often drive people away. Emotional Problems
Many people become emotional in a crisis.
You can talk about their and your feelings, wishes and desires. Talk
gently and listen carefully. Emotions that might be simple for you, may
be expressed intensely by someone else. Knowing that you and your
partner agree on emotional issues will help relieve stress.
Solving Relationship Problems
- Assume positive intentions - and then check.
- Dedicate time every day, and at least one day a
month, to exclusive time together.
- Build security and comfort with give and take on
both sides.
- Tell and show each other how much you like and
need each other, without clinging.
- Show interest and appreciation.
- Few men enjoy conversation as much
as women - they often prefer more action and down-time.
- Compliment each other.
- Teach your partner how to bring you to orgasm. If
you don't know this, find out.
- If your sex life goes bad, find out why and work
at bringing passion back.
- Although an affair need not mean the end of a
partnership, it indicates problems. If you are tempted to have an
affair - decide to resist. You can recover, particularly from a
one-night fling, and eliminate the cause of the affair. Decide to
resist.
- Restore good feelings with genuine smiles.
- Things that attract you to a person may become
annoying.
- If something bothers you, say it and find
solutions. Get help to find answers.
- Punishing your partner may make things worse.
Discuss what you each like and dislike.
- Money is a top cause of conflict. Discuss your
finances and make a budget.
- Unfair domestic work will cause friction. List
domestic tasks and mobilize all members to share the work.
- Involve your partner with childcare - even if you
feel he's not as good as it at you are.
- Boredom often hides anger. If you feel bored, ask
yourself what you're angry about.
- Men may be overwhelmed by emotion. Give them time
and space to tell you about it.
- Never say things that you wouldn't want to hear.
- Five positive experiences can erase one negative
experience. Give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five
warm fuzzies for each cold prickly.
- Learn how to negotiate.
- Accept that some things about your partner won't
change and may become stronger.
- Your philosophy and values will change. Check
regularly if either of you has changed priorities.
- If you know you will never forgive your partner
for something important, then get coaching and consider leaving, and
starting again with someone else.
- If your life aims are incompatible, if there are
illegal drugs or violence, or if there is consistently more pain
than pleasure, get help before a relationship destroys you.
Systemic relationship coaching
is an investment. Good relationship coaching can turn a bad
relationship around. It can turn poor or average relationships into
wonderful experiences.
More Keys
Accept difference
Do not try to force the others to be exactly like you; work to
accept difference even when this difference is profound.
Maintain boundaries
Be aware that there is a point where you stop and another person
begins. Don't expect others to solve your problems or meet your
needs - even though you may hope for this.
Be in the present
Focus on NOW. If you repeatedly review past events, or live with the
hope that things will be better in the future, you may get lost.
Respect choices
You can decide your own life direction: adapt your relationships to
honor this.
Negotiate
After you decide and communicate what you want, your family, friends
or partner can decide if they want to support you, and if so, find
ways to fulfill your different goals without compromise.
Share feelings
Be pleasant, be kind, and be honest! Listen as well as talk.
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? We can train you to coach individuals, partners and
teams to resolve a wide range of emotional and relationship challenges.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004, 2009 All rights reserved.
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