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Relationship Problems
by Martyn Carruthers

Online systemic coaching

We offer coaching and interactive workshops on systemic psychology,
healthy relationships and relationship management.

Relationships

Your relationships with family, friends, colleagues or a partner can bring love, pleasure, support and happiness into your life. They can also bring suffering, guilt and depression if they go wrong. However, most problems can be resolved - if the problems are recognized.

Common Relationship Problems

Friendship - teamwork - partnership - parenthood ... no relationship runs smoothly all the time. Different personal histories, expectations, or communication skills will surface. Sometimes distractions will arise. Sometimes you may not know how to make or keep good relationships. You can solve relationship problems and enrich your life with our systemic solutions.

Basic Relationship Coaching

1. Know what you want from each relationship
2. Find out what other people want from their relationship with you
3. Decide which needs you can fulfill in which relationships
4. Discuss your wishes and dreams - and your demands and dependencies
5. Understand and respect different points of view and different needs
6. Discuss what you want from each other
7. No one person can fulfill all your relationship needs
8. Accept the differences between your ideals and your reality
9. When critical differences show up, get quality coaching or mentorship

Money Problems

How do you decide about money? Individually or together? How do you decide about how money should be earned and spent? Who pays the bills? How much goes to savings, to charity and for expenses? How are expensive decisions (tuition, childcare, mortgage, car purchase) decided? Does everybody control their own money or is it pooled? Is each person expected to bring an income? If not, how is it decided who it will work?

Financial indecision can lead to major problems in the structural integrity of relationships. In fact, a cheap cash advance may be needed to bail yourselves out of a fiscal fiasco. All of the questions above need to be asked, and furthermore, solved.

Family Problems

You cannot demand that your partner like your family, or vice versa. Talk with your partner about your family. You can continue your intimate relationship even if your families disagree.

Friend Problems

Do you believe you have to abandon your friends to be with your partner? Giving up your friends to be in a partnership is asking for trouble. Neither should you assume that your partner will like your friends as much as you do. You might ask: "Which of my friends do you enjoy seeing and which would you rather I see when I'm not with you?"

Time Problems

Hopefully, you enjoy time with your family, friends, colleagues partner and children. Hopefully they enjoy time with you. And sometimes they - and you - will want time alone. If you interpret this as, "they don't care for me" or "they do not accept, or like or love me" you will make problems. Talk to them about what you and they need. Perhaps you can enjoy more time together with freedom to be alone or with others, without feeling rejected or neglected. Demands for attention often drive people away.

Emotional Problems

Many people become emotional in a crisis. You can talk about their and your feelings, wishes and desires. Talk gently and listen carefully. Emotions that might be simple for you, may be expressed intensely by someone else. Knowing that you and your partner agree on emotional issues will help relieve stress.

Solving Relationship Problems

1. Assume positive intentions - and then check.
2. Dedicate time every day, and at least one day a month, to exclusive time together.
3. Build security and comfort with give and take on both sides.
4. Tell and show each other how much you like and need each other, without clinging.
5. Show interest and appreciation.
6. Few men enjoy conversation as much as women - they often prefer more action and down-time.
7. Compliment each other.
8. Teach your partner how to bring you to orgasm. If you don't know this, find out.
9. If your sex life goes bad, find out why and work at bringing passion back.
10. Although an affair need not mean the end of a partnership, it indicates problems. If you are tempted to have an affair - decide to resist. You can recover, particularly from a one-night fling, and eliminate the cause of the affair. Decide to resist.

1. Restore good feelings with genuine smiles.
2. Things that attract you to a person may become annoying.
3. If something bothers you, say it and find solutions. Get help to find answers.
4. Punishing your partner may make things worse. Discuss what you each like and dislike.
5. Money is a top cause of conflict. Discuss your finances and make a budget.
6. Unfair domestic work will cause friction. List domestic tasks and mobilize all members to share the work.
7. Involve your partner with childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are.
8. Boredom often hides anger. If you feel bored, ask yourself what you're angry about.
9. Men may be overwhelmed by emotion. Give them time and space to tell you about it.
10. Never say things that you wouldn't want to hear.

1. Five positive experiences can erase one negative experience. Give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five warm fuzzies for each cold prickly.
2. Learn how to negotiate.
3. Accept that some things about your partner won't change and may become stronger.
4. Your philosophy and values will change. Check regularly if either of you has changed priorities.
5. If you know you will never forgive your partner for something important, then get coaching and consider leaving, and starting again with someone else.
6. If your life aims are incompatible, if there are illegal drugs or violence, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, get help before a relationship destroys you.

Systemic relationship coaching is an investment. Good relationship coaching can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn poor or average relationships into wonderful experiences.

More Keys

Accept difference
Do not try to force the others to be exactly like you; work to accept difference even when this difference is profound.

Maintain boundaries
Be aware that there is a point where you stop and another person begins. Don't expect others to solve your problems or meet your needs - even though you may hope for this.

Be in the present
Focus on NOW. If you repeatedly review past events, or live with the hope that things will be better in the future, you may get lost.

Respect choices
You can decide your own life direction: adapt your relationships to honor this.

Negotiate
After you decide and communicate what you want, your family, friends or partner can decide if they want to support you, and if so, find ways to fulfill your different goals without compromise.

Share feelings
Be pleasant, be kind, and be honest! Listen as well as talk.

Take the initiative, email us

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2011 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks, improve relationships and achieve goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... ask for permission to post, publish or teach this work.