Are you confused by emotions or enmeshed in relationship issues?
Do you suffer from your parents' or
How do you FEEL?
For us, all your emotions are meaningful and full of purpose -
including unpleasant emotions and
irrational feelings. Your emotions reflect your history, goals and values -
they indicate who or what is important. If you ignore or avoid your feelings,
you may not recognize the importance of your emotions!
Ask a man how he feels and he will
probably tell you what he thinks.
Ask a woman what she thinks and you will likely hear how she feels!
For example, feeling anger usually indicates perceived injustice,
fear usually warns of risk, and
a sense of
sadness generally communicates loss. And so on.
Dissociated people may say
that emotions aren't real ... that feelings don't exist, that emotional words are metaphors or
Such identity loss may be true for them, and we help dissociated people access their emotions and
sort out their feelings.
Although women may be more willing to discuss feelings
than men, men can feel just as strongly, but may
have been taught not to discuss or show their feelings ... except
perhaps motivation for success, sports and sex.
If you ask dissociated people to describe their feelings,
"Not bad" may be their best attempt!
Emotions are generally appropriate for the events in which they
originated. In our view, emotions are not positive or negative,
although many people were taught to ignore or hide their own feelings
(until internal pressures result in obsessions, compulsions or emotional explosions).
For us, emotions are communications.
Negative Emotions + Limiting Beliefs = Relationship Problems
How do you behave when you feel tired, ill
or after bad news? Do you automatically fall into some unpleasant moods, such as
boredom, disappointment, frustration, pessimism or worry? We can help you change
these and similar habits.
Are you disturbed when people express their inner states?
Do you submit to their emotions and react impulsively? We can help you stay calm.
Boredom & Disappointment
Boredom and disappointment often reflect unfulfilled expectations,
diminished imagination and/or immaturity. If you feel guilty, then being happy or excited
may not make sense.
Like boredom, frustration often indicates a lack
of skills as well as withheld anger. "Why does the world not cater to
Pessimism & Worrying
Although pessimism can indicate depression,
we can help you improve your moods by exploring the messages within 'pessimistic' worries, thoughts and ideas.
Anxiety often includes a fear of future possibilities.
When you're stuck in worrying, first get your mind out of the loop.
If you feel trapped in worry or other unpleasant internal chatter,
we can help you change.
Emotional honesty supports health. If you deny, dissociate or hide your
emotions, you can cause physical, emotional, mental or relationship problems.
Ignoring or distorting your emotions denies your emotional needs,
which can have many consequences.
Dr Abram Maslow contended that as humans meet their needs, they seek to
satisfy successively higher needs. Maslow put these needs into a hierarchy:
Sense of home
Most people who ask us for help have already
achieved Body and Safety needs and are struggling with Love and
Status. Some people who contact us are seeking Actualization - and
have satisfied their more basic needs. A few people who want Actualization lack
Safety, Love or Status ... is this just wistful thinking?
Most emotions appear to represent relationships ... yet
emotions often motivate regressive and dysfunctional behavior. How does
this work? Explore how you respond emotionally to people.
Change Emotions to Change Relationships
- Do you feel that you cannot discuss your feelings?
- Do you frequently feel criticized or humiliated?
- Do you feel isolated from friends, family
or other people?
- Do you feel you cannot have money or
- Do you feel like you're swinging between two
- Do you feel you must have sex, even when
you don't want to?
- Do you feel that you are treated as a
child or as a slave?
- Do you feel afraid of or anxious about
Healthy people manage their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
People who feel good about
themselves better enjoy lasting relationships and solve problems quickly.
Sometimes, events can trigger apparently
irrational emotions or symptoms. Healthy people can cope with
stress and manage problems quickly - and they know when to seek help.
Here is a simple hierarchy of relationship health:
Love does not exist
Love is dependence
Love is power
Love is duty
Love is barter
Love is sharing
Love is lasting happiness
Parasites, Codependence & Symbiosis
Parasitism is about one member of a system benefiting
by harming another. Perhaps a criminal or salesperson may pretend to
befriend you in the hope of gaining some advantage. (E.g. beware
strangers who call you 'friend'!)
Codependence is about need and addiction. Some people may try to exploit
or manipulate you. Codependence can be a terrible game of power and
Symbiosis is about staying together due to a sense of duty, or to a marketplace attitude of trading favors. Although people in
symbiotic relationships generally offer value for value, symbiotic
people often obsess about who's getting the best deal?
Do you want to solve emotional or relationship
Online Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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© Martyn Carruthers 2007-2017 All rights reserved.