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Interview with Martyn
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Solve Emotional & Relationship Problems
Heal Anger, Sadness, Fear & Guilt Martyn Carruthers

Online Relationship Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

Are you confused by emotions or enmeshed in relationship issues?
Do you suffer from your parents' or partner's behavior?

How do you FEEL?

For us, all your emotions are meaningful and full of purpose - including unpleasant emotions and irrational feelings. Your emotions reflect your history, goals and values - they indicate who or what is important. If you ignore or avoid your feelings, you may not recognize the importance of your emotions!

Ask a man how he feels and he will probably tell you what he thinks.
Ask a woman what she thinks and you will likely hear how she feels!

For example, feeling anger usually indicates perceived injustice, your fear usually warns of risk, and a sense of sadness generally communicates loss. And so on.

Dissociated people may say that emotions aren't real ... that feelings don't exist, that emotional words are metaphors or just stupid. Such identity loss may be true for them, and we help dissociated people access their emotions and sort out their feelings.

Although women may be more willing to discuss feelings than men, men can feel just as strongly, but may have been taught not to discuss or show their feelings ... except perhaps motivation for success, sports and sex.

If you ask dissociated people to describe their feelings,
"Not bad" may be their best attempt!

Emotions are generally appropriate for the events in which they originated. In our view, emotions are not positive or negative, although many people were taught to ignore or hide their own feelings (until internal pressures result in obsessions, compulsions or emotional explosions). For us, emotions are communications.

Negative Emotions + Limiting Beliefs = Relationship Problems

How do you behave when you feel tired, ill or after bad news? Do you automatically fall into some unpleasant moods, such as boredom, disappointment, frustration, pessimism or worry? We can help you change these and similar habits.


Are you disturbed when people express their inner states? Do you submit to their emotions and react impulsively? We can help you stay calm.

Boredom & Disappointment

Boredom and disappointment often reflect unfulfilled expectations, diminished imagination and/or immaturity. If you feel guilty, then being happy or excited may not make sense.


Like boredom, frustration often indicates a lack of skills as well as withheld anger. "Why does the world not cater to my needs?"

Pessimism & Worrying

Although pessimism can indicate depression, we can help you improve your moods by exploring the messages within 'pessimistic' worries, thoughts and ideas.

Anxiety often includes a fear of future possibilities. When you're stuck in worrying, first get your mind out of the loop. If you feel trapped in worry or other unpleasant internal chatter, we can help you change.

Emotional honesty supports health. If you deny, dissociate or hide your emotions, you can cause physical, emotional, mental or relationship problems. Ignoring or distorting your emotions denies your emotional needs, which can have many consequences.

Emotional Needs

Dr Abram Maslow contended that as humans meet their needs, they seek to satisfy successively higher needs. Maslow put these needs into a hierarchy:

1. Body 2. Safety 3. Love 4. Status 5. Actualize


Sense of home
Attractive partner
Solve problems

Most people who ask us for help have already achieved Body and Safety needs and are struggling with Love and Status. Some people who contact us are seeking Actualization - and have satisfied their more basic needs. A few people who want Actualization lack Safety, Love or Status ... is this just wistful thinking?

Emotional Enmeshment

Most emotions appear to represent relationships ... yet emotions often motivate regressive and dysfunctional behavior. How does this work? Explore how you respond emotionally to people.

Change Emotions to Change Relationships

  • Do you feel that you cannot discuss your feelings?
  • Do you frequently feel criticized or humiliated?
  • Do you feel isolated from friends, family or other people?
  • Do you feel you cannot have money or other resources?
  • Do you feel like you're swinging between two emotional states?
  • Do you feel you must have sex, even when you don't want to?
  • Do you feel that you are treated as a child or as a slave?
  • Do you feel afraid of or anxious about some people?

Healthy people manage their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. People who feel good about themselves better enjoy lasting relationships and solve problems quickly.

Sometimes, events can trigger apparently irrational emotions or symptoms. Healthy people can cope with stress and manage problems quickly - and they know when to seek help. Here is a simple hierarchy of relationship health:

Disconnected Dependent Symbiotic Healthy

Suicide risk!

Love does not exist


Love is dependence


Love is power


Love is duty


Love is barter


Love is sharing


Love is lasting happiness

Parasites, Codependence & Symbiosis

Parasitism is about one member of a system benefiting by harming another. Perhaps a criminal or salesperson may pretend to befriend you in the hope of gaining some advantage. (E.g. beware strangers who call you 'friend'!)

Codependence is about need and addiction. Some people may try to exploit or  manipulate you. Codependence can be a terrible game of power and control.

Symbiosis is about staying together due to a sense of duty, or to a marketplace attitude of trading favors. Although people in symbiotic relationships generally offer value for value, symbiotic people often obsess about who's getting the best deal?

Do you want to solve emotional or relationship problems?

Online Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2007-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email