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Manage & Solve Relationship Issues
Systemic Management © Martyn Carruthers

Online Relationship Coaching & Soulwork Therapy

Most managers must solve emotional problems and
relationship issues, often including their own, often without training.

Human Relationships are Complex Systems

Most people communicate within a hierarchy of relationships - from casual meetings with strangers, through friendship, teamwork, partnership and parenthood to community or national leadership.

Human relationships are subject to many rules, including personal habits, family traditions, government laws and ethnic customs. For each relationship type there are culturally appropriate skills and a spectrum of intimacy (or displays of affection) between the members.

Human systems can be better comprehended by people who understand how their own families have been affected by the actions of their ancestors and by extended family members. People who do not explore their own family relationships will have difficulty understanding human systems dynamics.

Coaching motivated adults can include helping people define:

  1. their own individual goals
  2. the goals (expectations) of other people
  3. cooperative relationship problems (e.g. bad habits, conflicts)
  4. cooperative systemic goals (e.g. families, teams, communities)

Relationship Management

Do you want or need to assess human systems, recognize challenges, identify potential problems, implement solutions and test their effectiveness? Managers need these and other relationship skills. (In my experience, most of my students know less about their own family and team dynamics than any family or team that they study or coach.)

Where there are relationships there are potential problems. Effective managers recognize and solve relationship problems daily. Although the consequences of relationship problems may be easy to recognize, it is often difficult to perceive the underlying causes of those problems.

Many relationship problems result from ignorance about the rules that apply in families, groups or organizations. In many relationships there may be taboos against discussing relationship rules. This may include a taboo against discussing a taboo against discussing relationship rules.

Identify, Test and Implement Potential Solutions

Superficial analysis of relationship problems is often followed by superficial solutions and good advice, with limited, short-term effects and sometimes detrimental consequences. Superficial solutions - whether organizational or family - can hurt all members of a relationship system.

Systemic diagnosis helps a coach decide which modality is best suited for specific issues. Our coaching ideal is that all significant members of a system be at least satisfied with a change

Systemic Rules

Systems theories provide a basis for understanding relationships
between genders and generations.

Social scientists seems to ignore individual qualities and systemic rules, focusing instead on population statistics. But if individual and systemic excellence are smeared across populations, then social sciences can only be sciences of mediocrity.

A key to our systemic work is to acknowledge all members of a human system
- including past, dead or disgraced members - and to accept their actions,
contributions, responsibilities, beliefs, values and personalities.

If members of a human system are ignored, forgotten or dishonored, consequences manifest as depression, mental health symptoms, fixations and obsessions. This applies even if subsequent generations are not consciously aware of whatever occurred previously.

Many symptoms appear to be related to relationship problems. Children of people whose ancestors were persecuted often appear to carry or reflect the emotional burden from their parents or ancestors. Common symptoms include depression, fear, self-criticism, guilt and self-hatred.

  • Unspoken rules guide spoken communication
  • Systems can maintain patterns and violence and harm
  • Maturity may represent a threat of loss to a human system
  • A system's primary resources are the relationships between its members
  • A system includes all system members, including those who are missing or dead

Disruption of Relationship Systems

Disrupting a relationship system can result in entanglement and strong emotions.

People who feel trapped may damage their relationships as they attempt to gain freedom and independence. But entangled people may be unable to move on with their lives. Many cannot form, or even look forward to, healthy, happy relationships - for example they may feel trapped in their families or teams and express their entanglements as immature or dysfunctional behavior.

Members of human relationship systems may experience negative emotions if:

  • previous partners are not respected
  • children or young adults who die are not honored
  • family members are not trusted with family secrets
  • those who risk lives or die in wars are not acknowledged
  • children given away for adoption may not be acknowledged
  • aborted, miscarried or stillborn babies are not acknowledged
  • the biological parents of adopted children are not acknowledged

Although the goals of human systems may seem obvious; friendship may be faked to access resources. Some people lie to join teams. A marriage may be forced by some crisis. A business may function as a make-work project or deliberately lose money for tax purposes.

Nevertheless, human organizations evolve more or less predictably. The evolution of human systems may best be predicted by the work of Dr Clare Graves.

The New Coach

Inexperienced coaches may be unable to help their clients achieve their success. Motivation alone is rarely enough to support lasting results. We coach our students to become role models and mentors - not only exploring what people want, but demonstrating in their own lives how to solve emotional and relationship problems.


Modeling trainers during demonstrations can be an effective way to learn ... IF demonstrations are supported with precise, detailed predictions and feedback. We demonstrate our competence with predictions, commentaries and analysis.

We discuss what we intend to do before, during and after demonstrations. This seems to be quite rare when training helping professions.

Contact us to solve emotional and relationship problems

Online Relationship Coaching & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004-2016 All rights reserved.

If you find our work useful, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

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Solve Emotional & Relationship Issues

Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you want? Know your life goals and how you sabotage yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Develop your inner resources with Dreamwork
Do emotions block you? Resolve relationship problems and mentor damage
Do beliefs limit you? Change your limiting beliefs and end dependence
Can you feel connected? Resolve identity loss to recover your lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents can better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and top teams can develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling, therapy & training

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2016 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people solve emotional and relationship problems, and to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.