Most managers must solve emotional problems and
often including their own, often without training.
Human Relationships are Complex Systems
Most people communicate within a hierarchy
of relationships - from casual meetings
with strangers, through friendship, teamwork, partnership and
parenthood to community or national leadership.
Human relationships are subject to many rules, including
personal habits, family traditions, government laws and ethnic customs.
For each relationship type there are culturally appropriate skills and a
spectrum of intimacy (or displays of affection) between the members.
Human systems can be better comprehended
by people who understand how their own families have been affected
by the actions of their ancestors and by extended family members. People who do
not explore their own family relationships will have difficulty understanding
Coaching motivated adults can include helping people define:
- their own individual goals
- the goals (expectations)
of other people
- cooperative relationship problems (e.g. bad habits, conflicts)
- cooperative systemic goals (e.g. families, teams, communities)
Do you want or need to assess human systems,
recognize challenges, identify potential problems, implement solutions and test their effectiveness? Managers need
these and other relationship
skills. (In my experience, most of my students know less about their own
family and team dynamics than any family or team that they study or coach.)
Where there are relationships there are potential problems.
Effective managers recognize and solve relationship problems daily. Although the
consequences of relationship problems may be easy to recognize, it is often
difficult to perceive the underlying causes of those problems.
Many relationship problems result from ignorance about the
rules that apply in families, groups or organizations. In many
relationships there may be taboos against discussing relationship rules. This
may include a taboo against discussing a taboo against
discussing relationship rules.
Identify, Test and Implement Potential Solutions
Superficial analysis of relationship problems is often
followed by superficial solutions and good advice, with
limited, short-term effects and sometimes detrimental consequences.
Superficial solutions - whether organizational or family - can
hurt all members of a relationship system.
Systemic diagnosis helps a coach decide which modality is best suited for
specific issues. Our coaching ideal is that all significant members of a system
be at least satisfied with a change
Systems theories provide a basis for
between genders and generations.
Social scientists seems to ignore individual
qualities and systemic rules, focusing instead on population statistics.
But if individual and systemic excellence are smeared across populations,
then social sciences can only be sciences of mediocrity.
A key to our systemic work is to acknowledge
all members of a human system
- including past, dead or disgraced members - and to
accept their actions,
responsibilities, beliefs, values and personalities.
If members of a human system are ignored, forgotten or dishonored,
consequences manifest as depression, mental health symptoms, fixations and obsessions. This applies even if subsequent
generations are not consciously aware of whatever occurred previously.
Many symptoms appear to be related to relationship problems. Children of people whose ancestors were persecuted often appear
to carry or reflect the emotional burden from their parents or ancestors.
include depression, fear, self-criticism, guilt and self-hatred.
- Unspoken rules guide spoken communication
- Systems can maintain patterns and violence and harm
- Maturity may represent a threat of loss to a human system
- A system's primary resources are the relationships
between its members
- A system includes all system members, including those
who are missing or dead
Disruption of Relationship Systems
Disrupting a relationship system can result in entanglement and strong
People who feel trapped may damage their
relationships as they attempt to gain freedom and
independence. But entangled people may be unable to move on with their lives.
Many cannot form, or even look
forward to, healthy, happy relationships - for example they may feel trapped in their families
or teams and express their entanglements as immature or dysfunctional behavior.
Members of human relationship systems may
experience negative emotions if:
- previous partners are not respected
- children or young adults who die are not honored
- family members are not trusted with family secrets
- those who risk lives or die in wars are not acknowledged
- children given away for adoption may not be acknowledged
- aborted, miscarried or stillborn babies are not acknowledged
- the biological parents of adopted children are not acknowledged
Although the goals of human systems may seem obvious; friendship may be faked to access resources. Some
people lie to join teams. A marriage may be forced by some crisis. A business
may function as a make-work project or deliberately lose money for tax purposes.
Nevertheless, human organizations evolve more or less
predictably. The evolution of human systems may best be predicted by the
work of Dr Clare Graves.
The New Coach
Inexperienced coaches may be unable to help their clients
achieve their success. Motivation alone is rarely enough to support lasting results. We coach our students to become role models and mentors - not only
exploring what people want, but demonstrating in their own lives how to
solve emotional and relationship problems.
Modeling trainers during demonstrations can be an effective way
to learn ... IF demonstrations are supported with precise, detailed predictions
and feedback. We demonstrate our competence with predictions, commentaries and analysis.
We discuss what we
intend to do before, during and after demonstrations. This seems to be quite rare
Contact us to solve emotional and relationship problems
Online Relationship Coaching & Soulwork Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004-2016 All rights reserved.