Were you abandoned, betrayed or rejected by someone you loved?
Rejection is part of life ... and so is Recovery
It is not likely that everyone will love you. You will sometimes feel hurt and disappointed.
Have you rejected someone?
This is not about a job application being
ignored, or being passed over for promotion. This is about feeling rejected for who you are by someone you love.
Were you betrayed by your partner - or rejected by a parent - or ignored by your
Being rejected by friends can be unpleasant,
but being rejected by family or a partner can trigger strong negative
emotions. Rejection or betrayal by a significant person may change your
beliefs, motivation and your ability to succeed.
Maturity, Rejection & Recovery
Your maturity predicts how you respond to rejection or betrayal.
Mature people can acknowledge a situation, deal with self-pity,
as it is and move on with their lives. If you want to do
that - we can help you.
Your sessions were not what I expected ...
they were far sweeter.
A rejection can cause you to relive other
rejections and trigger negative emotions from your past.
This is often called age regression. Your childhood memories may include
feeling helpless and resourceless.
During age regression, you might feel that your world is falling
apart, that there can be no future happiness, that you cannot live without a
certain person, that life doesn't make sense anymore.
You might notice your mind creating angry, aggressive
thoughts that put down other people. Obsessions, stalking, criticism,
revenge and gossip may be attempts to repair your self-image. If you accept and
feed such urges, you gain short term relief, but you miss an opportunity to change your emotional habits.
Besides anger to people who rejected you, you might
seek approval and power. How you do this reflects what you learned as a
child. Complaining and acting like a victim is common. So is bullying.
Some people turn to sweet things. Other ways
of seeking relief from emotions can be more destructive, such as sexual
addictions or drugs.
We can help you through all this. We can help you
manage the negative emotions of being rejected;
and change bad habits that could lead to further rejection.
Who Rejected You?
It seems to be less important who rejected you than
what that person represented to you. For example, a parent or partner might
represent family, respect, stability, security or success.
Rejection can trigger negative emotions from earlier
disappointments. People who were abandoned as children may, as
adults, either cling to people and fear their abandonment or avoid
commitments to prevent further suffering.
Why were you rejected?
Do you obsess about,
"Why did he / she / they do that to me?" Don't waste too much time pondering their motives. For whatever reason - they
preferred distance from you. Focus on
your own security. Do you have a place to live? Do you have an income?
Do you have food? Do you need emotional first aid?
When parents reject or abandon children, the most common
justifications that we hear are poverty, divorce, disease,
addictions and pregnancy. Children who reject a parent were often manipulated by the
Recovering from Rejection
- Appreciate honesty. Appreciate that someone is honest
enough to tell you that he or she does not want to continue a relationship
- Give people time. Don't try to push people into giving you another chance.
- Separate your emotions from what happened.
If someone wants distance from you, that need not
mean that you are somehow bad.
- Discuss the situation with a trusted friend. Don't whine,
complain or act like a victim. Present the facts as you understand them.
- Consciously improve your relationship skills. That says it all.
We can help
you manage negative emotions and change relationship habits. We can help you assess your relationships and
we can help you define appropriate goals and remove any emotional problems to achieving them.
Bonds are emotional connections between people.
Bonding between children and parents, for example, results in a strong sense of
attachment. Damage to this sense of connection can distort or
damage relationships. The relationship damage may be called
Relationship problems are both the cause and effect of
unhealthy relationships. Ignoring relationship problems
can lead to depression and psychosomatic illness.
Immature adults often make excuses, blame others, complain and justify their
behavior. Most people seem to suffer long before they seek help to change their
Some people attract rejection. They might choose risky partners, or seem to do everything to sabotage their relationships, or they might
only feel attracted to people who are likely to reject them: unavailable, aggressive or withdrawn people.
Recovery from Relationship Disappointments & Identity Loss
Most people respond to injustice following the rules they learned as children, from their parents and grandparents.
A common response to relationship problems and injustice is
identity loss, especially in children. Some common
forms of identity loss are:
- Cannot choose own life goals (Identifications)
- Cannot describe, feel or express emotions (Identity Loss)
- Cannot change beliefs or obsessions (Relationship Bonds)
- Cannot make decisions without inner conflict (Identity Conflict)
Do your family or friends suffer because
you have emotional problems
and you won't get help? We can help you manage these and similar issues.
Contact us to manage negative
emotions and solve relationship problems.
Online Help: Coaching, Relationship
Counseling & Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
& Kosjenka Muk 2008-2018
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