Relationships can be confusing. When problems happen,
do you get caught up in your emotions and not see the larger issues?
If you do not understand the dynamics underlying your
relationships, it will be difficult to resolve conflict and move beyond your
Relationship Dynamics & Systemic Health
Many people fight about issues such as money, sex, other people,
how to raise children, how to spend their free time... but, the deeper issues
usually include power, affect and respect. These dynamics are part of
every relationship and constantly influence our behavior.
1. Who has control? Most people want to influence or
control what a partner does, but they do not like to be told what to do. The
real issue is - who has control?
2. Who likes who? We constantly signal how we feel about
the person we are with through our posture, facial expressions, touch, eye
contact, and so on. We constantly signal whether we like the people we are with.
The real issue is - who likes who?
3. Who respects who? Do you show respect or disrespect
for another person's ideas, values and beliefs, etc? The real issue is - who
respects whose opinions?
We can rapidly assess and predict many relationship dynamics
using our systems diagnosis. We evaluate relationship dynamics to provide the
information we need to help people fulfill complex
Our systemic diagnosis helps
people assess and evaluate their lives, habits and potential futures.
This provides deep and valuable information about emotions and relationship
in the least time, and the information can be correlated, tested,
confirmed and integrated with other systemic coaching skills.
Systemic Diagnosis & Systemic Treatment
Relationship diagnosis elicits a collective perception
of relationship systems, from multiple perceptual positions. Goal diagnosis
uncovers the consequences and side-effects of goals and strategies for
achieving them. Together, relationship diagnosis and goal diagnosis
find appropriate goals and strategies for achieving them.
Although the validity of a goal or any step towards its
achievement can be tested logically, emotionally and non-verbally, the best
tests are real-world success in the context of the goal and the desirability of
the consequences of achieving that goal.
Relationship entanglements refer to unwanted emotional
bonds between people, often based on injustice and guilt. Entanglements
can generate enormous suffering, and can cause further
unhealthy relationships. The consequences of entanglements
include depression and illness.
Children and immature adults often excuse themselves, blame
others, complain and justify their entangled behavior. However, most people
will suffer long before they seek relationship coaching that can resolve their entanglements. For most people, suffering is an
essential step towards health.
Depression can also follow entanglements with cults and
cult-like organizations. Our Exit
Coaching can help people disentangle from unhealthy groups
Helping professionals and managers who can
recognize the following behaviors can predict problems, get help early and
protect people and organizations from unpleasant consequences.
In any human relationship system, people are alert to
justice and guilt, and respond to perceived injustice following the examples
set by parents and grandparents. A common response
to relationship problems and injustice is what we call
identity loss. Some common
- Cannot choose own life goals (Identifications)
- Cannot change beliefs or behavior (Identity Bonds)
- Cannot make decisions without conflict (Identity Conflict)
- Cannot describe, feel or express emotions (Lost Identity)
We often help people resolve identity loss.
A member of a system may identify with
another member who is perceived as having been treated unjustly. (Watching
cinema often produces short-term identification lasting only a few minutes). Some
common identifications have predictable sets of symptoms:
- Victim identification: chronic anger,
suspicion, vandalism and possibly violence
- Dead person identification: chronic
sadness, melancholy and possibly suicide
- Hero identification: chronic fear, anxiety
attacks and possibly agoraphobia
- Dependent identification: chronic guilt,
self-sabotage and possibly depression
People with identifications may express emotional
outbursts. A search for emotional triggers often indicates the
causative entanglement and the type of identification. Although identifications
are common, a dysfunctional identified person may be labeled "psychotic".
People with identity conflict may swing between two polar
identities - sometimes within a few minutes. A decision or promise made in one
polarity may be forgotten or ignored in the other. In extreme cases,
a person may be diagnosed with bipolar disorder or, if amnesic of
the personality changes, with multiple personality syndrome.
A person who cannot describe or feel emotions may lose
sense of self. We call this Lost Identity. (An acute type is
nervous breakdown). Lost Identity can result from abuse [see
Child Abuse ], or from being ignored
as a child. People with Lost Identity often function in a
robot-like manner - they may not participate in life. Lost Identity
may be called post-traumatic stress disorder (see
Trauma & PTSD), chronic
depression or codependence.
People who stay in relationships despite having very good reasons
to leave are often emotionally bonded.
We perceive relationship bonds to be a form of identity loss that may manifest as helplessness
and hopelessness - often supporting beliefs such as "I must do as I am told",
"I don't deserve better" or "I cannot leave".
beliefs are often conditions for difficult relationships to continue. See
Online Relationship & Life Coaching
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
- get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
- offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
- hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
We help entangled people control their unpleasant
symptoms and regain their lost identity. We can provide prompt
relief and lasting benefit for responsible people who want to control
negative emotions and enjoy healthy relationships.
Do you want to resolve your success and relationship issues?
Do you want to build success and healthy relationships?