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Are you entangled in difficult
relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma?
Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your
boss's moods? Systemic Solutions can help you untangle
your life ... and you can help people reclaim their freedom.
Are you being ABUSED?
CAUTION: If you read this page,
you may discover some disturbing facts about yourself and people you know. You
may need to meditate and find mature guidance as to whether your perceptions
and interpretations are accurate. Ponder and discuss with good friends how
mentor damage or spiritual abuse may apply to you. Mentor damage has lasting
consequences.
Please avoid hasty conclusions.
Abusive mentors are unlikely to
announce their intention to deceive. They may say that they want to
mentor you to the highest spiritual experiences. They may say that they
want to help you avoid suffering. They may
claim to help you by making decisions for you.
If you want people to make
decisions for you, you step towards dependence. Mentorship is about
long-term happiness, which means making decisions and being responsible
for your choices, even when your consequences are unpleasant. Whether
your actions were through misinformation or ignorance - your consequences
can help you make better decisions.
Exit
Coaching from Cults .
Abuse by Therapists .
Soul Mentorship
Distractions or Fulfillment?
You may seek distractions and fun, and avoid
responsibility. You may seek short-term pleasure in drugs, sex and mindless
addictions. Or you may find and fulfill your life purpose, and live with integrity
and responsibility, as you learn to accept your role in all
of creation. Perhaps you want both.
Mentor Abuse & Toxic Mentorship
Spiritual abuse prevents you finding deep and lasting happiness.
It occurs when people that you consider to have spiritual authority attempt
to control or manipulate you. They use spiritual words to advance their
own agenda. Mentor damage may confuse your commitment to integrity with
your commitment to a philosophy or to a religious organization.
The result? You become dependent and compliant. You
believe and do things that you would not previously consider. You may feel
depressed or anxious if you do not follow orders. You may alienate your family
or friends.
You may betray your partner. You may ignore people in your community.
Later, you may not trust any authority. You may become
unable to discern who supports your integrity, and who not.
You may dismiss all potential mentors as charlatans.
A crisis need not last forever, although breaking
through mentor abuse can be difficult. Emotions are likely to flow as you
stop criticizing others and blaming yourself, and ending your complaints,
excuses and justifications. Further, when you communicate with people who have abused you
- or whom you have abused - some sparks and tears may fly.
You can heal your wounds from your errors and from the
mistakes of others. You can heal mentor abuse in your past and in your present,
as you move on to finding healthier ways to share your love. Systemic coaching
can help you learn to trust and be trusted again. You can regain your self-respect.
Commitment & Community
Which relationships are important and worth commitment?
Healthy commitment to community requires quality relationship skills.
Missing or poor relationship skills risk using an organization as a
substitute for parents, friends, partnership and parenthood. You risk joining a cult.
Friendship Abuse
Some people will pretend friendship to obtain or
elicit information from you - which they later use to hurt or manipulate
you. While salespeople are notorious for doing this, well-intentioned
people may also do it if they later have cause to dislike you or if they
wish to influence your decisions.
Some people try to make their light brighter by
trying to make other people's lights dimmer. You know who I mean.
Authority Abuse & Relationship Bonds
Children defer to their parents' authority. Students
defer to the authority of their teachers and professors. Employees defer
to their managers. Devotees worship their gurus. These
relationship bonds can affect all of life and be difficult to change.
Many people may try to control
your disposable income, your vote or your behavior. Others want your
respect, or your recognition that they have power over your life.
Some few want your devotion.
If you try to make people do things; people who are not your children, students or employees; you are trying
to become an authority in their lives. If you are obsessed with
controlling people, you invite those people to depend on you.
Perhaps with good intentions, you may try to
replace their parents, teachers or employers with your own authority ...
you approach becoming a guru.
If so - you risk becoming increasingly dependent
on the dependence of others. You may become codependent with
people who cling to your dependence on them. If you are successful, you
can witness a cult forming ... a cult of you. Many psychotics form
cults with only one member - themselves.
Obsessions & Spiritual Abuse
While you may not consider yourself to be a
cult-leader or a cult follower - many intelligent, caring people get
caught in such nets. All you need do is accept ideas and decisions as
truth without checking your consequences of compliance.
You may not check the consequences of ideas that fit
your prejudices. Instead you may justify your obsessions as you try to
convince yourself that you are somehow special or spiritual or chosen.
Spiritual abuse can be easy. Worship prejudice, criticize
people, persuade them that your way is better and make
decisions for them. Just treat adults like children and promote your
own obsessions ...
| Obsession |
Intentions |
Consequences |
| Obsessed with Blame |
You want people to pay for your mistakes.
You blame others for your errors. |
You are preoccupied with judging.
You need to prove yourself right yet you will not
forgive yourself - or others. |
| Obsessed with Shame |
You want to hide your mistakes.
You want people to validate your life by following your
advice. |
You only do what you are good at
You will not admit mistakes
You live a "double life" |
| Obsessed with Dogma |
You want people to believe what you
believe - and you believe that you should instruct them. |
You prefer words to integrity
You disregard individual responsibility
You dismiss happiness as a fool's dream |
| Obsessed with Thoughts |
You want to reduce your conflict.
You want people to deny thoughts
or opinions that differ to yours. |
You ignore your feelings and emotions
You feel threatened by different opinions
You are suspicious of people generally |
| Obsessed with Image |
You want to look good. Your spiritual facade is
more important than your happiness. |
You manage your image more than your life to
gain recognition and respect, but you lose your contact with
happiness |
| Obsessed with Authority |
You want people to support
your authority. You try to minimize their relationships outside your system. |
You obsess about other people's behavior, how their
behavior reflects your authority,
and how things look to people with more power than you. |
| Obsessed with Money |
You want to own or control
other people's possessions - for a greater good, of course. |
You know what everything costs, except happiness. You deny
your emotional reality. You may be a thief - for a good cause - for yourself. |
Spiritual Terrorism
Although such obsessions produce cults, sects
and schisms, people with these obsessions pale in comparison to those
who deliberately sabotage the human spirit. Few drug dealers claim a spiritual
or humanitarian mission, as do many military and terrorist organizations, who
recruit and train young people to become obedient professional killers.
Some sects use ritual abuse to make members do
things about which they will feel guilt - and by dissociating their feelings of guilt,
the members become increasingly incapable of guilt. Cult membership
may require that you do things which will increase
your compliance - through guilt or blackmail. Our systemic
coaching can help you end spiritual abuse and toxic mentorship.
Spiritual Recovery & Multiple Mentorship
It is unlikely that one mentor can provide all your
mentorship needs. Some mentors identify with their message,
and become frustrated or insulted if you do not follow all their advice.
We can help you find role models with
certain life skills and competencies. You can study their lives and decide
what you want to emulate - and what you want to reject. We can help you find
quality mentors for each important part of your life.
As you seek inspirational role models - you will find
many people who inspire you not to follow their path. And
when you find role models you want to emulate, We can help you
assimilate the skills and qualities of your chosen mentors into your
life.
As you explore possibilities, remember that you are
part of the life of this planet. You have a place
here and you can choose how you learn what is good for you.
[ Exit
Coaching from Cults .
Abuse by Therapists .
Abusive Trainers ]
Consult your physician about any opinions or
recommendations about your medical symptoms.
Do you want relationship coaching or
systemic coach training?
We can train you to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve a wide
range of emotional, educational and relationship challenges.
Systemic 7 coach training teaches you how to
resolve mentor damage, and mentor people effectively. See
Mentorship.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005, 2009 All rights reserved.
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