Were you or your partner abused?
Do you suffer unpleasant emotions?
Do you want to untangle your life and enjoy healthier
Solve the Consequences of Abuse
Healing the past need not mean pretending that any abuse wasn't
so bad -
it means that you end any depression and that you create a worthwhile future.
I loosely define abuse as trauma, believed to have been
caused deliberately and with malice, and trauma as events that
caused people to fragment or split-off parts of their core identity. Such split-off parts
are sometimes called ego-states, complexes or
inner children. We help
people assimilate or integrate split-off parts.
Abuse is about dominance and control and may be accompanied
by emotional displays, threats, lies, broken promises and
Abusers and their victims usually bond in
unpleasant ways. Most abusers were abused themselves, and
bonded to their abusers. Like twisted, entangled chains, it can be difficult to find the source.
often act like disturbed children, and both abusers and their victims
try to enmesh other people into webs of confusion and
My wife calls me alcoholic ... but if I stopped drinking
I know that I would leave her, leave my home and leave my children.
Most abusers justify their actions, even as they violate your values
and your trust. Inquisition priests would torture you for the good of
your soul. Salespeople may manipulate you to help you buy.
Employers may bully you to increase your productivity. Interviewers
may pry into your life for the benefit of an organization.
Most abusers avoid responsibility for their behavior. Abusers
often claim to be victims and victims often try to dominate
other people. In abusive situations, cause and effect
rarely make complete sense. You can explore the underlying
identity loss and
transferences to provide essential missing information
for lasting solutions.
Victims of abuse may seem childish - hungry for affection, security
and validation. For example some people stay in abusive relationships to avoid loneliness,
at least until they cease tolerating the abuse.
Adult victims of childhood abuse
may show similar symptoms whenever memories of the abuse are triggered.
They may become abusive themselves, perhaps creating a new generation of
entanglement. Abuse is often repeated across many generations.
Physical & Emotional Abuse
Physical abuse is deliberate violence, made by people who express
their power by causing injury or pain. Domestic violence
refers to threats, attempts, or violence by family members or by people you
live with or have lived with. Domestic
violence by trusted relatives often has more emotional consequences than physical
abuse by angry strangers (e.g. in a war).
ANYTHING can be called emotional abuse! Saying or not saying
"Good morning" can be called abuse - or intimidation,
clarity, criticism, truth, manipulation or rejection. The consequences of
perceived emotional abuse (real, imagined or exaggerated) can diminish
self-confidence, self-image and
For example, some parents convince
their children that they (the children) control the parents' feelings.
Emotionally mature parents are more likely to teach children that all emotions
and feelings have value, and can be appropriately expressed.
Abusive relationships can range from parental criticism and school-teacher
sarcasm to brutal interrogation or torture. The consequences include stress disorders (PTSD),
depression, passive-aggression and chronic anxiety.
We help abused people become emotionally mature, responsible and resourceful to
resolve such issues.
- Can you be alert, strong yet flexible under
- Can you manage (not just
dissociate) your own emotions?
- Do you know when you are responsible
for another people's actions?
Many cults and cult-like organizations
(including some training organizations, businesses, multi-level marketing
(MLM) companies, military & paramilitary groups) abuse their members.
Many people cannot leave abusive groups or organizations because of their psychological conditioning.
Trainer Abuse . Exit from Cults
. Abuse by Therapists
. Mentor Damage
Some trainers abuse their students. Some helping
professionals abuse their patients. Some gurus abuse their devotees. They may
prescribe programs that they would not use themselves. They may show
incompetence, immaturity, identity loss or codependence ... and a desperate need to
control other people.
Many abusive people are sociopaths. They may be easily
frustrated and moody, and they may be unable to feel guilt or remorse. They may
have no desire to change their behavior - until they are in a crisis themselves - when they
often scream for help.
Abusers who want to change can acknowledge their problems and seek our help.
to change often results in passive-aggressive behavior: initial resistance
followed by short-term compliance, and then by delayed aggression. This seems
common in prison populations.)
Domestic Abuse & Child Abuse
Domestic abuse includes physical threats or emotional
harm by relatives. While much abuse seems to be by immature adults who are
lost in life, physical violence or bullying can result in people who feel
constantly anxious, angry, confused or dependent.
The partners or spouses of abused people may suffer
from their moodiness and emotional swings until the abuse is resolved. Also, some
people who were abused may have "parts"
of themselves that want to abuse other people. Women who were
abandoned or abused by male relatives, for example, may find some
satisfaction by abusing their husbands and/or sons and/or other men.
Common Family, Partner and Spouse Abuse
- insults you
- intimidates you
- controls your time
- controls your finances
- withholds affection or sex
- monitors communications
- is overprotective
- explodes with anger or rage
- stops you working or learning
- humiliates you in front of others
- blames you for their own issues
- ignores, mimics or patronizes you
- stops you meeting family or friends
- turns minor issues into fights
methods to control people included priests, cults and religions.
methods include politicians, television and marketing.
The outcome is similar: docile, obedient populations.
. Child Sexual Abuse
. Parent Coaching
. Children of Divorce
Managers who abuse their staff may call their abuse effective management. If
the abused staff can be made to believe they are somehow deficient,
they may remain bonded to their boss by such shared limiting beliefs or
Abusive managers are often incompetent
or perfectionist. They want status, recognition and power. Employees
who tolerate abuse often do not understand office politics.
We coach managers to improve their management skills, and we help
employees cope with abusive managers. See
Managing Difficult Employees and
Some salespeople are trained to use deceitful or hypnotic
language. They try to build rapport, prolong negotiation
and wear down resistance until you do what they want.
Some abusive people are trained in NLP and covert hypnosis, and use
techniques which allow them to abuse you - while all the time smiling.
- If you feel stressed, leave - or make the salesperson leave
- Ask friends to be present when you make substantial purchases
- Discuss details of a contract with a trusted person before signing it
- Many abusive people rely on your
desire to be nice. You have other choices
Kidnapping & Interrogation
Although the United Nations Convention Against
Torture prohibits the use of physical or mental pain to obtain
information; you may be legally disconnected from your family, friends and
society. Legal kidnappers may use your sexuality, family or religion
against you. Illegal kidnappers may do anything they wish.
Interrogation may cause you to feel like a lost child. Your capture and detention
may be to soften you for exploitation - to replace your sense of self with a
confused sense of doom. You may be besieged with illogical, horrible
statements until you age-regress - and then you may say anything to try to end the confusion.
Psychological Operations .
Trauma & PTSD
Do you want to end the abuse and move on with your life?
Relationship Counseling & Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
2001-2017 All rights reserved.