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We present interactive seminars and
demonstration-rich workshops on systemic family therapy,
psychosomatic disease, family secrets and adoption. Email us
if you might be interested in organizing a specialty
workshop.
Coping with Adoption
Many couples who
wish to experience or extend parenthood, want to adopt children.
Adopting a child can be joyous and exciting. It can also be frustrating
and lonely, with endless uncertainty. Potential adoptive
parents often experience confusion, disappointments and discouragement.
Adopting children creates
special problems for both children and their adoptive families.
Common problems include unmet expectations and poor adjustment.
A key issue is how well the adoptive parents can cope with and resolve
the often-unexpected problems presented by adopted children.
Adopted children need endless support to adjust to
their new family, school and community. They may have more health problems
than other children. Failure to support adopted children can disrupt an adoptive family and
return the children to foster care with more burdens than before.
Children who have experienced abuse or trauma may have
pervasive health and emotional problems, attachment
disorders,
nightmares, adjustment disorders and
learning disabilities. Pre-adolescent
adopted children may have histories of multiple foster
placements, abuse and neglect, rejection and
abandonment and disjointed education. Teenagers with poor social
skills and delayed emotional development
can be especially problematic.
Systemic Family Coaching
Adopted children may not talk about their early family, yet
reflect them in every action - as relationship bonds.
Systemic coaching offers solutions for relationship bonds. Adopting a child can
be a blessing - or can result in chaos for the family and the separation of the
adoptive parents. A major key is that potential adoptive parents have a
happy partnership ... adopted children will test this
theory.
Systemic family coaching helps adoptive parents
evaluate
partnership and
resolve identity issues:
- If a parent acts resourceless, children may
try to "grow up" too quickly
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent acts like a failure, children may
respond with chronic fear
- If a parent is dead or absent, children may
respond with chronic sadness
- If a parent acts guilty, children may try to
express the parent's guilt
- If a parent blames them, children may
"act out" to find what is true
- If a parent forces children to take sides,
children will suffer
Suggestions for Adoptive Parents
You can talk about adoption early and often. Perhaps
pace the child’s developing emotions with a gradual introduction.
Perhaps mention adoption around age 3, and discuss it
throughout your child’s childhood. Perhaps you need
Soulwork Parent
Coaching.
1. Respect the biological parents
Following adoption, adoptive parents may pretend
to be the biological parents. If you
talk to your children about their biological parents with respect. Even if - or especially if - one or
both genetic parents are missing, alcoholic, dead, in prison, or avoids
the children.
2. Love the children
Adopted children may feel unloved.
They may be super-sensitive to the emotions, moods and conflicts
of the adoptive parents. Take time to express
love to adopted children, regardless of whether they are
well behaved, polite, have tidy bedrooms or eat their broccoli.
(Most children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E)!
3. Children need parents
Many adopted children try to take sides between
real and substitute parents.
Repeatedly reassure children that they do not have to choose any
parent as being in any way better than any other.
4. Do not blame the children
The genetic parents may have blamed their children for their
own problems. The children may dream of reuniting their family. They may show
learning disabilities or psychosomatic symptoms. Explain to the children that
you are substitutes for
their parents - and that they cannot bring Mom and Dad together.
5. Fight fair - away from children
Adoption is an intense time for any family and often raises
conflicts. Avoid arguing anywhere near adopted children - or any children.
Organize a time and place, away from the children, to resolve conflicts. If a
discussion becomes a fight, STOP, TAKE TIME and RESCHEDULE
the discussion.
6. Minimize change
Although your adoption will create many changes for your
family, continuity is important. Make the children's environment as familiar
as possible, including their favorite things, photographs, toys,
blankets, etc. Create a home for the children.
7. Encourage meetings
Discuss how your children can have maximum benefit and happiness
if they meet a genetic parent. Avoid asking children to deliver messages,
to spy or to obtain information.
8. Get adult support
Adoption can be a difficult time for everybody. Parents
need mature emotional support from family, friends, counselors, clergy, etc.
Avoid asking your children to support you.
Support your children.
9. Talk about feelings
During stressful times, children may misbehave, they may
age-regress (act much younger) or they may
try to grow up quickly and act in an overly mature fashion. Ask
children how they feel, and what they think or imagine is going on. Help
children express THEIR feelings ... don't complain about yours!
10. Make an appointment ... set a date
Take the initiative and find a Soulwork coach or trainer ...
Systemic Coaching & Adoption
We coach adults who are considering adoption or who have
adopted. We help them stay focused on their goals and to move forward.
We also coach step-parents to coach their adopted children.
We recommend
that parents have couple coaching, to resolve outstanding emotional issues and
sort out partnership issues - including conflicts and limiting beliefs.
We coach partners to appreciate and simultaneously support each other's
perspectives, motivations and goals.
Consult your physician about any opinions or recommendations
about medical symptoms or other medical questions.
Relationship Coaching ...
Systemic Coach Training ...
Your Next Step
Do you want relationship coaching or
systemic coach training?
We can train you to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve a wide
range of emotional, educational and relationship challenges.
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Feedback |
I have been updating my skills to practice as a
professional life coach and decided to attend Soulwork
training. It turned out to be well worth the effort. The training Martyn
Carruthers offers in clarifying and resolving even the most entangled
and traumatic family situations is by far the most effective I have
experienced.
He builds on the work of well-known figures such as Virginia Satir in a
powerfully intuitive manner and I can see that his use of such tools as
family mapping, family rules, accessing the unconscious and psychodrama
would be particularly appropriate and effective in the area of post
adoption work.
In situations where children are behaving according to dysfunctional
birth family rules they learnt for survival, there will be a clash when
this behaviour is misinterpreted in the adoptive family. Martyn
Carruthers' techniques bring clarity, enabling individuals to become
conscious of their emotional and mental habits and inappropriate coping
mechanisms that affect their relationships. He enables individuals to
diffuse and dissolve these patterns and make healthier choices.
These processes are demonstrated wherever possible rather than relying
on an academic approach to training. I found this particularly
effective.
Pamela Vass MA (Devon, UK) |
We can help you -
take the next step and contact us! Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004,
2006 all rights reserved |
