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Romantic & Intimate Affairs
Is Your Partner Cheating? Martyn Carruthers

Online Help - Getting Over Affairs

People change when they're having affairs. Your partner may start exercising, become less courteous, work late more often or take unpaid business trips. This doesn't mean that your partner is betraying you, it just means "pay attention".
Here are some common signs of betrayal.

Affairs and Infidelity . Confronting Your Partner . Recovering from Affairs

If you are concerned about betrayal, why not ask your partner directly?
You may not get raw truth ... but you may get a lot of information.

Are you the last one to know?

The telephone rings - and the caller hangs up when you speak. At first you hardly notice but after a few times you feel that something is wrong. Is it possible that your beloved is cheating on you? Could your partner be hiding a romance or affair? Is your spouse working those evenings and weekends?

You don't want to seem paranoid without evidence, but you can open your eyes and notice if there are signs of affairs. While you may not notice details that you don't want to see, you probably don't want to be the last one to know. (And if you are - we can help you deal with it.)

I was shocked when I found that my wife was having an affair ... partly I was shocked at my naivety. Many of the signs you list were there. I just didn't want to see them. Arizona

Is Your Partner is Having an Affair?

Most people having intimate or sexual affairs try to hide them. But regardless of how well adulterers think they are concealing it ... their behaviors change. There are many signs although some are paradoxical and confusing.

Three common signs are:

  1. Your partner works late often - without any pay raise or other benefits.
  2. Your partner is distracted or absent, and doesn't ask about your day.
  3. Your partner dresses better than usual, and hurries away for appointments.

Any of these may indicate other things (perhaps concern about work or worry about a relative). Yet there are many warning signals. If a number of them occur together ... check it out! It's better to know sooner rather than later.

What you do about it is another matter ... we help couples recover from affairs. Does your partner:

  1. buy new clothes
  2. talk about separation
  3. work unpaid overtime
  4. fight about trivial things
  5. accuse you of cheating
  6. want space / time apart
  7. stay away from home often
  8. take longer and longer walks
  9. keep an overnight bag at work
  10. distance self from the children
  11. want a private checking account
  12. avoid discussing responsibilities
  13. become very critical and blaming
  14. become withdrawn and depressed
  15. want you to go for weekends alone
  16. lose interest in partnership projects
  17. begin to support concept of abortion
  18. seem aggressive and easily irritated
  19. complain about long-past mistakes
  20. find more reasons to leave the home
  21. suddenly like different clothes or music
  22. defend people who are getting divorced
  23. take time off from work without telling you
  24. change attitude towards family and friends
  25. lose interest in home chores and activities
  26. forget the good times you enjoyed together
  27. become more concerned about appearance
  28. whisper on the telephone or hang up quickly
  29. open a cell phone account billed to the office
  30. spend time with people going through divorce
  31. go for short walks and come home hours later
  32. deposit less money in your joint bank account
  33. start exercising, working out and losing weight
  34. want your children to like an opposite sex friend
  35. quote a good friend of the opposite sex too often
  36. record your time with the kids (for a custody hearing?)

Signs of sexual affairs can be confusing. Your partner may:

  1. stop wanting sex
  2. want sex but not foreplay
  3. want more sex, more often
  4. want new or different sexual positions
  5. leave contraceptives in unexpected places

Are your partner's friends acting strangely toward you? Do they seem uncomfortable with you? Do they act as if you have a disease that they might catch? Do they hint that something is not right ... without being candid? (Later, they may say that they tried to tell you - but you wouldn't listen.)

Don't be the Last One to Know

We are good at recognizing non-verbal communications or body language. People who tell lies, unless they have a lot of practice, feel stressed and signal this stress with their body. Just ask for details and observe:

  1. Coughs
  2. Fidgeting
  3. Facial asymmetry
  4. Sweating and blushing
  5. Immobility of hands and arms
  6. Side to side eye movements (shifty eyed)

Email: Hey man - like what planet are you from? I was meeting this chick ...
she found your stuff on affairs and made me read it
... so what if I'm married ... I want some fun!

What can you do?

You may be wrong - and even if you're right, an affair need not mean the end of a partnership. Affairs can be passionate and romantic; and they can be destructive and hurtful, often both. Many people who hide affairs are passive-aggressive - afraid of their own emotions.

My partner had an affair at work. We didn't want to divorce but we became distant ...
you helped us build a real partnership, not a long pretence.

You cannot make your partner change - although you can change yourself! Instead of blaming your partner, review your behavior. Is your partnership important enough that you are willing to change? We can help you!

Predictable Partnership . Enjoy Partnership
Evaluate Partnership . Partnership Breakdown

Heal your Partnership after an Affair

You ba%*ard! My husband read your article about affairs and came home early and caught me! I was just having fun with a neighbor. He didn't need to know! Now he's angry and the children are all upset. I wasn't so bad. How can I make him calm down? Email

Affairs and betrayal need not destroy a marriage, although guilt and anger can tear couples apart. We help many couples, including those about to separate, enjoy wonderful partnerships together.

Do you want to heal damaged relationships and the consequences of affairs?

Online Help: Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email