People change when they're having affairs. Your partner may start exercising,
become less courteous, work late more often or take unpaid business trips.
This doesn't mean that your partner is betraying you, it just
means "pay attention".
Here are some common signs of betrayal.
Affairs and Infidelity
. Confronting Your Partner
. Recovering from Affairs
If you are concerned about betrayal, why not
ask your partner directly?
You may not get raw truth ... but you may get a lot of information.
Are you the last one to know?
The telephone rings - and the caller hangs up when you
speak. At first you hardly notice but after a few times you feel that
something is wrong. Is it possible that your beloved is cheating on you?
Could your partner be hiding a romance or affair? Is your spouse working those evenings and weekends?
You don't want to seem paranoid without evidence, but you can
open your eyes and notice if there are signs of affairs. While you
may not notice details that you don't want to see, you probably
don't want to be the last one to know. (And if you are -
we can help you deal with it.)
I was shocked when I found that my
wife was having an affair ... partly I was shocked at my naivety.
the signs you list were there. I just didn't want to see them.
Is Your Partner is Having an Affair?
Most people having intimate or sexual affairs try to hide them.
But regardless of how well adulterers think they are concealing
it ... their behaviors change. There are many signs although some
are paradoxical and confusing.
Three common signs are:
- Your partner works late often - without any pay raise or other benefits.
- Your partner is distracted or absent, and doesn't
ask about your day.
- Your partner dresses better than usual, and hurries
away for appointments.
Any of these may indicate other things (perhaps concern about
work or worry about a relative). Yet there are many warning signals.
If a number of them occur together ... check it out!
It's better to know sooner rather than later.
What you do about it is another matter ... we help couples recover from affairs.
Does your partner:
- buy new clothes
- talk about separation
- work unpaid overtime
- fight about trivial things
- accuse you of cheating
- want space / time apart
- stay away from home often
- take longer and longer walks
- keep an overnight bag at work
- distance self from the children
- want a private checking account
- avoid discussing responsibilities
- become very critical and blaming
- become withdrawn and depressed
- want you to go for weekends alone
- lose interest in partnership projects
- begin to support concept of abortion
- seem aggressive and easily irritated
- complain about long-past mistakes
- find more reasons to leave the home
- suddenly like different clothes or music
- defend people who are getting divorced
- take time off from work without telling you
- change attitude towards family and friends
- lose interest in home chores and activities
- forget the good times you enjoyed together
- become more concerned about appearance
- whisper on the telephone or hang up quickly
- open a cell phone account billed to the office
- spend time with people going through divorce
- go for short walks and come home hours later
- deposit less money in your joint bank account
- start exercising, working out and losing weight
- want your children to like an opposite sex friend
- quote a good friend of the opposite sex too often
- record your time with the kids (for a custody hearing?)
Signs of sexual affairs can be confusing.
Your partner may:
- stop wanting sex
- want sex but not foreplay
- want more sex, more often
- want new or different sexual positions
- leave contraceptives in unexpected
Are your partner's friends acting strangely toward you?
Do they seem uncomfortable with you? Do they act as if you
have a disease that they might catch? Do they hint that
something is not right ... without being candid?
(Later, they may say that they tried to tell you
- but you wouldn't listen.)
Don't be the Last One to Know
We are good at recognizing non-verbal
communications or body language. People who tell lies, unless they
have a lot of practice, feel stressed and signal this stress
with their body. Just ask for details and observe:
- Facial asymmetry
- Sweating and blushing
- Immobility of hands and arms
- Side to side eye movements (shifty eyed)
Email: Hey man - like what planet
are you from? I was meeting this chick ...
she found your stuff
on affairs and made me read it
... so what if I'm married ...
I want some fun! Anonymous
What can you do?
You may be wrong - and even if you're right, an affair need not mean
the end of a partnership. Affairs can be passionate and romantic; and
they can be destructive and hurtful, often both. Many people who hide affairs
are passive-aggressive - afraid of their own emotions.
My partner had an affair at work.
We didn't want to divorce but we became distant ...
you helped us build a real partnership, not a long pretence. Australia
You cannot make your partner change - although you can change
yourself! Instead of blaming your partner, review your behavior. Is your
partnership important enough that you are willing to change? We can help you!
Evaluate Partnership .
Heal your Partnership after an Affair
You ba%*ard! My husband read
your article about affairs and came home early and caught me!
I was just having fun with a neighbor. He didn't need to know!
Now he's angry and the children
are all upset. I wasn't so bad. How can I make him calm down? Email
Affairs and betrayal need not destroy a marriage, although guilt
and anger can tear couples apart. We help many couples, including
those about to separate, enjoy wonderful partnerships together.
Do you want to heal
damaged relationships and the consequences of affairs?
Online Help: Coaching, Counseling & Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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© Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
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