Are you having an affair? Is your partner having an affair?
Signs of Affairs
. Confronting Your Partner
. Recovering from Affairs
Infidelity is a dark shadow of partnership. Affairs can
provide excitement for the bored, adventure for the restless and pride
for the egotistic. Affairs also provide heartache, guilt, disappointment,
depression, shattered dreams and damaged lives
for children whose parents have affairs.
Although this may be a difficult time for
you, you can save your sanity.
Do you want to end an unhappy partnership
Do you feel lost in conflicting emotions?
Do you want to make a decision?
Who has Affairs? ... People like You!
Many people have romantic or sexual fantasies now and again. It
might be fun to imagine what he would be like in bed or what she would look
like naked and so on. Fantasies are relatively safe but can you resist
your impulses? Can you say "No"
to yourself ... and to interesting, attractive people?
The most common justifications for affairs that we
hear are: 1) it's cheaper than divorce; 2) their partner reminds them
of a parent; 3) they want to motivate themselves to leave their partners;
and 4) just because they could. So, who has affairs?
- People like you!
- People in mid-life crisis
- People with immature parts
- People with opportunity and time
- People who are passive-aggressive
- People who want to fulfill a transference
- People who cannot manage their impulses
- People who want to punish a partner or past partner
Are you trying to end or get over an affair?
Do you want to resolve maturity, partnership
or marriage problems?
Do you feel hurt by a partner's romantic, intimate or sexual affair.
Or perhaps you feel guilt about your own acts of betrayal.
Yet the real casualties of adultery include the betrayed children
who may later be found in depressed corners of society.
It's as annoying to be blamed and criticized for
what you have not done as for what you have. While wrongly accusing
someone or being wrongly accused of
having an affair can cause big problems ... can you give and demand the truth?
Before our ancestors developed
agriculture, humanity walked on the edge of extinction.
We humans survived partly because we could produce
children at almost any time,
without a mating season. But prehistoric survival is no excuse
for so much suffering.
What Price is a Free Lunch?
Some people flirt because they don't know how else to relate.
Some people use internet chat to build more emotional
intimacy than they want with their partners. Some people take training in
seduction, with the hope of more casual sex. But few lunches
are really free, and the total cost is higher than most people expect.
Seduction: From a book about dating
for misogynists, predators and psychopaths
They say movies is a terrible first date because you
can't talk much, but I think that's perfect, you donít want to know her -
you just want feel her up and get some action later.
She'll never know you faked the date.... but who cares - you'll never
see the bitch again.
There's no such things as secret affairs!
Most people involved in sexual affairs behave in
distinctive ways! Family members will often notice and react to
these changes, even if they are not told and even if they are young children.
Will someone you love pay for your free lunch?
My father had affairs while he lived
with us ... he wasn't only betraying our mother -
he was betraying me, my brother and my
sister ... now he is very upset that
we all divorced him. None of us
want anything to do with him now.
Types of Affairs
Probably you or your partner could have affairs.
Happy partnerships do not eliminate infidelity - and affairs allow people
who are enmeshed with a parent or fixated on a past-partner to reduce
the intensity of their intimacy with their partners. Few affairs mature into
long-term committed relationships.
I had an affair with my husband for
three years before he left his wife and children
to be with me. And now, only two years since our wedding, he is having
with another woman. I am paying the price for his inability to set boundaries.
Most people having affairs focus only on their own needs. They may forget or ignore the needs of a life
partner, an affair partner and any children. They will often avoid considering the
consequences of their affairs on other people. After all, no-one else
knows ... right? See Signs of Affairs
- In-love affairs often end in suffering and stress
- Pressure-relief affairs may relieve boredom,
frustration and loneliness.
- Brief sexual affairs and one-night-stands
rarely become love affairs or long-term friendships and may indicate
- Love affairs can become long friendships, although betrayal and guilt may
trigger separation from the partner or affair partner
- Business sex (trading sex for money
or favors; including prostitution) may have the least emotional
bonds but the highest risk of venereal diseases
Men & Affairs
Men often tell us that they only want affairs for sex. Men may boast
that they can pretend to be in love with women to have sex with them. And many
women have told us that men pretended to love them only as a basis for casual sex.
(Some male sexual predators target single women with children).
My wife helps me realize how very wonderful
is my girlfriend.
Many men dislike their female partners having close male
friends, but avoid confronting their partners about extramarital affairs.
Seducing an idiot is never
worth the effort!
(Don't sleep with someone crazier than you are!)
Younger men usually seek sexual rather than love
affairs. Their primary motivations are physical pleasure, to hunt, to impress
friends and to gain experience. Older men are more likely to seek women who
understand, accept and appreciate them. They may want to gratify sexual desires
that they would not ask of decent women ... their wives.
The ONLY woman I ever loved was another
... my MOTHER! Bumper sticker seen in America
Men who are emotionally bonded to their mothers (see
emotional incest) may have
affairs to avoid or to sabotage a committed partnership. They are also
likely to boast to their male friends about the number and variety of
their sexual adventures.
Women & Affairs
It seems that the longer a woman is married, the more likely
she will have an affair. Women may choose sexual affairs for pleasure,
for experience or for missing intimacy, especially if she feels bored
or disappointed with her partner or her marriage.
A 2006 survey in America found that nearly
twice as many married men as women admitted to having had sexual relations with
someone other than their spouse. Dr Catherine Mercer, head of analysis for the
study, says the gender gap may in part be because women are less likely to own
up to cheating. From:
BBC News June 2012
Both men and women may satisfy some of their emotional needs by
- cheating on their partners
- mentally reliving past romantic affairs
- obsessing about lives of other people (gossip, soap operas etc)
How can I divorce my wife without
telling her? She will be very angry.
People having affairs may
say, "I want to feel good regardless of the consequences of my choices on
my partner or family - or on my affair-partner's partner or family".
They may justify the pain and suffering associated with affairs, saying, "I
only wanted ...
- excitement and adventure
- to rescue or help someone
- to seduce or to be seduced
- to avoid the reality of my aging
- to fulfill an impulse or a compulsion
Attacking, criticizing or blaming will not improve
relationships. We help people understand each other, restore harmony
and build healthy partnerships.
Signs of Affairs
. Recovering from Affairs
Healthy relationships require partners who respect each other's values and
cooperate to fulfill them. Contact us if you want a better relationship.
Online Couple Coaching,
Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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Martyn Carruthers 2002-2017 All rights reserved