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Recovering from an Affair?
Healthy Partnership © Martyn Carruthers

Online Help: Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

We help motivated adults rebuild relationships and end
emotional chaos after betrayal, adultery and affairs.

Signs of Affairs . Confronting a Partner

Are you in a happy partnership or are you in recovery?

  • Are you and your partner pleased with each other?
  • Did you and your partner recently argue or separate?
  • Are you or your partner recovering from a romantic affair?
  • Are you or your partner cold or distant towards each other?
  • Did your partner say that he or she will never trust you again?

Can you have a happy partnership after an affair?

You can be happier than you thought possible! You can heal your broken heart.
We help people heal the damage of affairs, abandonment and betrayal.

Has your partnership become lifeless and boring? Are you suffering after a romance or an affair? Do you want to feel happy - but you just feel tired? Your healing will depend on your attitude, beliefs and relationship skills.

Affairs can be opportunities to learn about yourself and other people. We can help you evaluate your life and your relationships, and help you change unhealthy habits and beliefs. Or perhaps you really want to relive your past again - and again?

Healing a Partnership - Building Trust & Recovering Love

Healing doesn't just happen! You need support and information and you probably won't heal soon by yourself. We can walk with you and help you change old habits and unhealthy beliefs.

After sex we were still strangers and not lovers. I didn't want to feel any closer.
Our sex was sterile and afterwards I just wanted to leave.

Intimate or sexual affairs between people (especially between people in committed relationships) reflect suppressed or unmet needs. A first step to recovery is relationship diagnosis - does a person:

  1. express overwhelming emotions (trauma)
  2. identify with someone else (identification)
  3. obsess about other people (entanglements)
  4. express no values or sense of self (lost identity)
  5. express ongoing mood swings (complex conflict)
  6. express toxic "I am ..." beliefs (relationship bonds)
  7. express guilt from previous relationships (entanglements)
  8. avoid communicating own values and needs (poor self image)
  9. follow toxic role models or post-hypnotic suggestions (mentor damage)
  10. justify deception and betrayal with complaints, blame and excuses (victim)

How we can help

We usually evaluate your situation and explore what you want. We can help you manage your emotions, find resources and develop strategies to do what is best for you and for the people who love you. We can help you:

  1. Talk about your concerns.
  2. Create a future worth living.
  3. Purposefully design your life.
  4. Rehearse exactly what you want to say.
  5. Don't keep going over mistakes and regrets.
  6. Accept and manage painful emotions quickly.
  7. Learn to like yourself better. (This can feel wonderful!)
  8. Be more confident and bold. Find a coach who supports you.
  9. Keep moving ahead. You don't have to go back to how you were.
  10. Learn better ways of evaluating an affair and better strategies to manage it.

Starting Again

Have you been acting like a addict? Addictive drugs give people such strong feelings that they may betray their partners and abandon their families. Did an affair give you wonderful feelings? Can you start again? Is it time to repair your partnership, rebuild your integrity and re-align your life - or to separate? Don't waste time!

If you are having an affair, inform your lover that you are going to end the affair. Be simple about it. You probably have to send a last message but avoid meeting your lover, as he or she may seduce you for one last sexual encounter - hoping to hook you again.

End your betrayal as soon as possible. There is no right time to do this - there's just you. No last meetings. Cancel and close your affair. Recommit to your partner. Ask your affair partner not contact you for any reason.

If your partner knows about it - show your partner that you have ended the affair. If your partner did not know - avoid burdening your partner in an attempt to reduce your guilt.

Healing your Partnership after an Affair

Romantic affairs have emotional consequences, which may be delayed.

  • Blame: Following exposure, the partners may uselessly waste time and energy arguing about topics such as "Who really caused this?"
  • Denial: Many people who have sexual affairs will lie if telling the truth may bring unpleasant consequences.
  • Grief: The suffering of betrayal and broken dreams may overwhelm betrayed people. Suicide attempts sometimes follow romantic affairs.
  • Guilt: The betraying partner, the betrayed partner and the affair partner carry burdens of guilt - bonds which can manifest as anxiety, depression, hypochondria and psychosomatic disease.

Following a partnership crisis, it may seem impossible for the partners to avoid guilt, depression and immature behavior. We help people make space for this and we can referee desperately needed discussions and clarification. We offer:

  • Education in effective communication skills
  • Individual counseling to manage entanglements and bonds
  • Couple counseling (with both partners) to manage transferences
  • Couple coaching (with both partners) to make decisions and plan the future

Romantic affairs, especially those based on transferences, rarely last more than two years. Solutions that attempt to fix and forget the surface symptoms of affairs may not resolve or even expose your deeper entanglements. Do you want to heal relationship damage - or do you just want to try to forget it?

Romantic or sexual affairs are often attempts to compensate for what is missing in a partnership. Sometimes, simply exposing the affair can lead to depression, explosive separation, hostile divorce and damaged children.

We help couples repair and maintain healthy partnerships - or to peacefully end unhappy partnerships as a basis for new lives apart.

Rebuild Partnership?

Most romantic affairs last less than two years, and may be accompanied by or followed by regret, guilt and depression. Short-term fix and forget solutions do not resolve underlying emotions and enmeshments - we help people heal their emotional entanglements as we help them solve relationship problems.

Effective and joyous partnership result when partners respect each other's values, know each other's needs and can cooperate to fulfill both their needs. We help couples develop healthy partnership skills that enable them to end and deal with affairs.

Signs of Affairs . Confronting a Partner

Do you want to resolve emotional problems and enjoy better relationships?

Online Help: Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email