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Man soll den anderen so nehmen er ist,
nicht so wie man ihn haben moechte.
Bari (See a person as he is, not the way that you
want him to be. Bari)
If you visit Munich, you could take a pleasant walk
along Prinzregentenstrasse, and stroll around the beautiful Englischer Garten.
I walked there with a German friend, discussing cross-cultural modeling.
After stating each concept, my friend would ask: “Alles ist klar?”
This common German question means: “Is that clear?”
Clarity is important to German people, who often ask for assurance that
their communications are understood. German people, perhaps more than other
cultures, seem to maximize clarity and efficiency.
Although clarity and efficiency may seem desirable in most communication,
many people avoid it, finding relief in philosophical, negative,
conflicting and abstract statements.
Some people rarely offer clear communication. “Alles ist nicht so klar!”
- “It is not so clear!”
Relationship Clarity
You can develop your clarity in appropriate relationships.
For example, you treat your intimate partner as a human being whom you value
and with whom you want a long-term intimate relationship.
If you habitually treat your partner as a child, or as a parent, or as a
colleague - confusion will follow – even if both of you accept or
even enjoy these roles.
Here is a useful hierarchy of relationship types, with the
approximate minimum ages when most people can begin fulfilling the relationship
responsibilities of that type, and example responsibilities.
| Approx Age |
Relationship Hierarchy |
Example Relationship Skills |
| 0+ |
Childhood |
Express emotions,
learn to walk, talk, use toilet |
| 3+ |
Extended Family |
Group play, patience,
sharing, delay gratification |
| 5+ |
Friends |
Keep promises, complete tasks, trust others |
| 11+ |
Teams |
Active co-operation,
accept group rules, modesty |
| 16+ |
Partnership |
Create and maintain
intimacy and an intimate “space” |
| 21+ |
Parenthood |
Create supportive home,
develop child raising skills |
| 24+ |
Community |
Community participation,
action and support |
| 28+ |
Global |
Humanitarian / Environmental / Systemic activities |
You can gain both clarity and skills during each relationship
experience - and use these skills to prepare for subsequent relationships.
If you get stuck in one relationship experience – you may be unable to
advance until you master the appropriate skills.
If you cannot maintain a friendship, you are unlikely to be accepted into
a healthy team or a long-term partnership.
Instead you may be accepted or at least tolerated by other dysfunctional
people. Motivation alone is insufficient. Skill is needed.
If you are “stuck” at some relationship level, you may
appear immature and emotionally age regressed – and people may say that
you act like a child.
Sometimes a parent may comment about all the children – including
a childish partner with real children.
The causes of unpleasant habits include emotional incest,
trauma, parental separation and parental alienation.
Dynamic & Frozen Relationships
Your relationships are dynamic if you are developing on many
levels, while testing and pushing your limits. Dynamic relationships allow
freedom, growth and inter-dependence.
Or your relationships can be called “frozen” if you avoid challenges and
development. Frozen relationships are often attempts to cling
to old beliefs and decisions.
People in frozen relationships often avoid clarity and prefer foggy communication.
Communicating with such people can be like talking to foggy walls.
It is useful to recognize the abstractions you use while communicating.
If communication is arbitrarily divided into levels of abstraction,
(called Logical Levels in NLP, based on the genius of Dr Gregory
Bateson) the following hierarchy results,
which includes example questions that you can use to increase clarity.
| Levels of Abstraction |
Self Questions |
Relationship Questions |
| Things |
What is it? What does it do? |
Who owns it? How can we use it? |
| Emotions |
What am I feeling? |
What do I want to feel? How do you respond to my emotions? How do you express emotions? |
| Communication |
What do I express? What do I respond to? |
How do you respond to me? What are your wishes? |
| Actions & Consequences |
What am I doing? What do I want? |
How do you respond to my actions? How do I respond to your wishes? |
| Competencies |
What am I capable of? What else can I do? |
Who does this influence? Who should do this? |
| Beliefs |
What is true? What is possible? What is right? |
How can we express our beliefs? How do we respond to each other’s beliefs? How do we decide what is right? |
| Values |
What is important? What is worthwhile? |
What values do we share? Whose values are most important? |
| Identity |
Who am I? What are my qualities? |
Who are you? What are our relationship responsibilities? |
| Relationships | What am I part of? What is my role? |
How close or distant are we? How can we co-operate together? |
| Planet / Humanity | Why am I here? What is my purpose? |
How do our lives affect this planet? What can we do to help our planet survive? |
| Creation / Cosmos | What is the purpose of creation? |
What are our relationships with unmanifest creation and with a manifest universe? |
These questions are examples of how you may clarify your concepts for yourself and also clarify the presuppositions within your various relationships.
(Note that these questions may irritate and annoy those people who, for whatever reason, prefer to live in fog and confusion.)
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