Arguments are part of relationships.
Arguments reflect your values, beliefs, boundaries and bonds.
Healthy arguments can INCREASE your happiness together.
Unhealthy arguments can destroy your relationships.
Arguments are essential. Arguments help you fine tune your
relationships and challenge injustices. Yet some arguments may cause you to act
and sabotage your relationships.
In my experience, most arguments are the definitions of
For example, what is love for you? What does love
mean to your partner?
If you think you have no conflicts - you're not in a committed relationship or
somebody is hiding important things.
Intimacy includes conflicts and arguments. When couples communicate their
priorities, plans, boundaries, beliefs and bonds - some will
differ. The questions, "Who is right?" and "Who decides?" may trigger strong emotions, beliefs, transferences, personal histories and relationship
Most arguments are people defending themselves from
E.g. "You are unreliable, inconsiderate or lazy". Such accusations
can be direct, implied (e.g. voice tonality) or imagined.
Rather than trying to
win arguments, here are some ways to help you clarify the details of your life together
- in ways that improve and maintain happiness.
Assume that you are loved and remember why you love
You WILL argue - so HOW will you argue - and WHEN? Do you trust your partner
and yourself enough to argue with words? Or do you simmer in silence? If one of you are tired, hungry or ill, or if one of you
feels the time is not right - do you discuss issues when you can talk about
whatever is troubling you?
Communicate gently and stay engaged. Use any waiting time
to consider how you can best communicate your truth in supportive ways.
Take responsibility. Own your argument as a step
towards finding solutions. After an argument, work together to find better
ways to express yourselves.
If you must leave - explain why and for how long. Ensure that
your partner knows what you are doing and why. (If you leave the house with a
packed bag, you may communicate that you are ending your relationship, while
you may only be taking laundry to the dry-cleaners).
Even with your best intentions and highest truths, you will
hurt your partner. If you believe that being right is more
important than expressing love or being happy - your love relationship and
passion may already be doomed.
If you find that you were wrong or misinformed - admit it
quickly and apologize. (If you cannot apologize, you may have
difficulties in any healthy relationship).
Be kind after a quarrel. Avoid acting righteously or
behaving like a victim. Develop an attitude of caring and
Do something together. Being active together may help
you both feel better. Housework, gardening or even silent walking is better than avoiding
Talk, talk, talk. Then kiss and make up, if you can. Leave
your attitudes at the bedroom door and turn to each other instead turning
Are you lost in habitual
transferences, projections and parental
If arguments have become normal, consider our couple coaching.
We can help you change these and other relationship habits.
Are you still ANGRY later?
Is your anger temporary, triggered by something?
Or do you feel generally angry most of the time?
Anger is a feeling, hostility is an attitude and
aggression refers to behavior. Although anger is often called a negative emotion,
evoked when a person cannot attain a goal or fulfill a
need, we find that most anger seems to follow perceived injustice.
Angry people often behave childishly and can be very destructive.
If you feel anger and remain adult, you can better decide how to respond.
Expressing love includes expressing your anger.
If you can't express your anger - consider getting help.
Dealing with Anger
If your anger and its consequences causes problems, you may hide your anger, but your stress may lead to depression
Angry people often damage their relationships, which may increase their
anger and isolation. Withheld anger can also contribute to bedroom problems such as
(erectile dysfunction in men and frigidity in women).
People who are afraid of their own anger may be
passive-aggressive. They may not allow themselves
to feel anger ... rather they may hide or deny their angry feelings. They
may be afraid that if they allow themselves to express anger, they
will damage or destroy something - including their relationships.
Chronic anger is associated with high blood pressure and heart
disease. Suppressed anger is often related to
depression and to
Chronic Anger & Aggression
If a parent appears to repress anger ... a child may perceive the parent as a
and express the parent's anger.
If a child decides that a family member is a victim, then another must be a
victimizer, that child may attempt to rectify this
injustice by expressing the anger of the perceived
victim - to the perceived victimizer. This expression
of anger can lead to a child
with a victim and suffering chronic or habitual anger.
Habitually angry people often dedicate their lives to fighting,
helping victims and / or to punishing victimizers.
Understanding your emotions is useful, but insight alone is
rarely enough to
We help people change.
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