| Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from childhood trauma? Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your children's moods? Soulwork Systemic Solutions can help you untangle your life and reclaim your freedom. To whom are you attached? Attachments refers to emotional bonds between infants and their care givers, usually their parents. Supportive bonding provides a secure emotional base for life. Some relationship bonds impede social and emotional development throughout life. The consequences of relationship bonds may be most obvious in a child's ability to learn and an adult's ability to relate. Relationship Bonds . Learning Disabilities . Adjustment Disorders Why is Attachment Important? Children bond positively to adults who show them caring, and who treat them well. If a child's bonding with a caring adult is absent or interrupted, attachment disorders result. Attachment disorders may follow a difficult pregnancy or birth, substance abuse during pregnancy, parental fighting, stress or trauma, separations from primary caretakers, abuse, neglect, parental depression or other mental illness, parents with poor parenting skills or from pain the child suffers during a chronic illness. Identity Loss Chimpanzee and gorilla infants separated from their parents first cry and refuse to be consoled. Then they become passive, and later they may ignore the returning parents. Human children who are abused, neglected or abandoned by adults may show similar reactions. Children often respond to painful emotions by losing access to part or all of their identity, and compensate by creating limiting identity beliefs (unpleasant perceptions about self) that explains or justifies the caretakers' abuse or maltreatment (eg: "I am bad"). Children with relationship bonds may have severe behavioral problems - for example they:
- Cannot be self-reliant and independent
- Cannot cope with stress and frustration
- Cannot cope with perceived threats
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- Cannot feel or respond to guilt
- Cannot develop intellectual potential
- Cannot evaluate thoughts and emotions
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Children who bond to their caregivers with limiting beliefs instead of loving bonds may later be unable to participate in friendship, teamwork, partnership or parenthood. Instead they may become expert in manipulation and deceit. They are also likely to relate to their own children in a similar manner.
Attachment Disorders in Infants
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- Constant fear, rage or whining
- Delayed crawling, sitting, etc
- Defensive
- Does not cling
- Does not reciprocate smiles
- Does not recognize caregivers
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- Indifferent to people
- Poor sucking response
- Poor eye contact, lack of tracking
- Resists cuddling and affection
- Unhappy, but rarely cries
- Avoids other infants or children
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Relationship Bonds
Causes of Attachment Disorders
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- Premature birth
- Chronic painful illness
- Inadequate daycare of child
- Parent's lack parenting skills
- Mother's chronic depression
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- Parental neglect
- Physical, emotional or sexual abuse
- Frequent family moves
- Separation from primary caregiver
- Parents' substance abuse
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Attachment Disorder Consequences Such disturbed children may destroy toys, threaten siblings and hurt pets. They may create huge tension in their families if they limit and control family activities. The parents may attempt to love their children, yet not resolve the situation. The AD child can be charming to relatives and adults at school. People outside the family may criticize the parents. The parents appear to be hostile or angry towards the child with little apparent justification. Some parents may show symptoms of stress and express irritation, anger or hostility towards their children. Some parents may be scared of their children. Some parents experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression or mental breakdown. The child's long-term consequences may not become apparent until adolescence, when children discover that they cannot function as adults. During adolescence, lack of relationship skills and other deficiencies become obvious. Some warning signs are:
- Abusive and hurtful to parents
- Demanding and manipulative
- Describes a distorted reality
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- Focus on immediate personal goals
- Fascination with blood and fire
- Hurts people
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Anxiety . Trauma & PTSD . Depression . Schizophrenia Bonding with Children Bonding positively with a child includes simple things: maintaining eye contact, or holding a child in your arms and rocking gently. Give smiles safe touches and gentle movements. Help a child feel secure. Be consistent and patient to help a child decide to trust you. Do things together - show the child that he or she is cared for - perhaps sing or read together, play games together and work together. Parenting Children Parenting is not easy, yet can be rewarding and successful. Bond with children by helping them feel secure. Although you cannot force children to bond, being consistent and patient helps children relax. Parenting tough love can help children make decisions and deal with conflict. Solving problems can teach a child how to consider requests, actions and consequences.
Suggestions: - Ask the child to do many chores ... and leave them undone
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Keep children busy, or have them practice quiet sitting
- Use physical exercise for discipline
Parenting children with attachment disorders is difficult, but both parents and children can recover. Avoid taking a child's behavior personally, or blaming anybody. Stay within your limits and be persistent. Recovery requires time and effort; are happy children worth your investment in coaching?
Developmental Disorders . Personality DisordersConsult your physician about any opinions or recommendations
about medical symptoms or other medical questions.
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