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Solutions for Emotional Conflicts (2)
Emotional Issues & Relationship Martyn Carruthers

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Are you entangled in bonded relationships?
Do you still suffer the consequences of abuse?
Do you want to solve emotional or relationship conflicts?

Continued from Assess Relationship Bonds Part 1

Identity Loss & Relationship Bonds

The stronger a relationship bond, whether liked or disliked, the less freedom of thought and action. Bonds may range from shared memories to total identification.

Martyn Carruthers: Founder of Soulwork

People without relationship bonds may feel disconnected from life and from all relationships. Strangely, such disconnection is a goal of many so-called spiritual paths and also of military training. One result is unthinking obedience and compliance.

Some relationship bonds are existential - rules for thinking and behaving that affect all parts of life. When emotional bonds originate in a childhood crisis, a loss of identity may feel normal, and children may be unable to even imagine feeling differently.

Identity Loss refers to an inability to access own emotions, beliefs and qualities that are central to sensing one's own life. This may manifest as dissociation or the expression of inappropriate emotions (identification).

We assess the health of relationships in some context. While bonds indicate some identity loss, we refer to the examples in the table below as identity issues - a loss of personal identity. We train people to resolve these issues - identification, identity conflict and lost identity.

When I am not me ...
Identification I feel and behave as if I was someone else
Identity conflict I am / I have more than one conflicting personality
Lost identity I do not know - or know minimally - who I am

I developed a simple hierarchy of relationship health - from disconnected to healthy. This hierarchy is useful when evaluating relationships and entanglements with one person or with a group of people. (This hierarchy overlaps with the values hierarchy developed by Dr Clare Graves.)

Assessing relationship health
1. Disconnected I have no quality or healthy relationships. My only contact with people is to survive. (I may be suicidal)
2. Codependent (1) We depend on each other for survival
3. Codependent (2) We must control each other
4. Symbiotic (1) We stay / work together out of a sense of duty
5. Symbiotic (2) We stay / work together to exchange needed resources
6. Community We stay / work together to fulfill relationships
that are important to both (all) of us
7. Systemic We stay / work together to develop effective community
8. Global We stay / work together to develop humanity
/ for the benefit of our planet

When relating, some people act as if they were someone else (substitutes), or perceive other people as if they were someone else (transferences) or project their beliefs and desires onto other people (projection).

Entangled Relationships
Substitution When with this person, I pretend to be someone else
Projection I project my past or my desires onto this person
Transference I perceive this person as someone else

Transference Bonds

Transferences can be described as mistaken identity. Transference behavior can range from perceiving a stranger as a friend or enemy, to committing to a partnership with someone who reminds you of someone or something in your past.

For example, parents who derive a sense of safety by behaving like a child will likely create unpleasant consequences for themselves and their children.

Children of confused or immature parents may become afraid of - or afraid for - their parents, and may strive to parent or partner their parents. See emotional incest.

Dissolve Relationship Bonds: Part 3

Martyn, have you have you tested your methodology on people with malevolent implants and/or MK Ultra type mind control and/or people influenced by witchcraft? Sometimes we see thru a glass darkly ... because there are good reasons to do so beyond surviving in a dysfunctional family. Oregon

Answer: We can help motivated adults change their unwanted bonds, including the undue influence of parents, therapists, doctors and teachers, who can create similar bonds and even damage people's ability to bond to other people!


Loyalty and commitment to people, to products, to political agendas or to obsessions, compulsions and limiting beliefs, are relationship bonds that you can change.

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I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2001-2018
All rights reserved

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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email