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Emotional Bonds, Beliefs & Fixations
Freedom from Self-Sabotage Martyn Carruthers

Identify and Change Deep Limiting Beliefs


Part 1: Many Beliefs are actually BONDS

Part 2. Bonds & Identity Loss ... Part 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds

As I developed our systemic psychology, I explored many
models of emotions, beliefs and relationships. The bondwork models that I now use (1999) are so effective that it is strange
for me to remember when I did not even suspect them.

What I call Bondwork includes dissolving limiting
beliefs, obsessions, compulsions and identity issues
that bond us to people, ideas or things. These bonds
can support us or block us from getting what we want.

By beliefs I refer to feelings of conviction; and by bonds I refer to feelings of connection. While beliefs are usually more conscious, and bonds less conscious, both beliefs and bonds motivate us to behave in repetitive ways. The more intense the bonds, the more we invest into our bonded relationships.

Emotional bonds are partial identifications, where some parts of us identify with other people, leading to contextual emotions (as opposed to existential emotions).

Strangely, resolving bonds, bonded beliefs and identifications is largely missing in psychological and therapeutic education, although ignoring them seems to support short-term therapeutic effectiveness and multiple relapses.

Examples of harmful bonds include repetitive thoughts such as, "I'm not good enough!" or "I am bad" or "I cannot be happy", by which people attempt to explain unpleasant feelings. Although the verbal components of a bond can be challenged, logic and counter-examples are unlikely to change underlying emotions.

Three breakthroughs in my understanding were that 1) beliefs often represent bonds, 2) bonded beliefs are often taboo (we may not know or even suspect
our hidden beliefs, and 3) bonded beliefs often supply a sense of identity.

My study of beliefs included the work of Phineas Quimby, a 19th century mental
healer who was credited with healing thousands of people by changing their beliefs.
Quimby wrote that education and religion were the primary sources of destructive
beliefs that manifest as disease symptoms. I would add, in the first place, parents.

Bonds may appear to be supportive or destructive. Supportive bonds can include:

  1. Feeling connected to and at home in your body
  2. Feeling connected to mentors whom you respect
  3. Feeling connected to a meaningful life vision or purpose
  4. Feeling connected to a person whom you wish to emulate

Although psychoanalytic theories refer to fixations of sexual energy, I find that most fixations result from relationship disappointments, in which limiting beliefs allowed a sense of connection with difficult people - e.g. parents, teachers, priests or authorities. The consequences of unpleasant bonds can last for decades and include:

  1. Voice-like thoughts
  2. Horrifying images and dreams
  3. Guilt: depression and self-sabotage
  4. Depression: life does not make sense
  5. Diseases centered in the bond locations
  6. Feeling stuck to people you want to leave
  7. Strong emotions which do not make sense
  8. Compulsions, obsessions, fixations and fetishes

Another root of my bond work is in the pre-contact huna healing used
by native Hawaiians. Ele'ele eke (black bags) refer to emotions,
beliefs and images held in the body which can be healed by
ho'omoe (dreaming together) and other ancient methods.

Most emotional bonds are created during shared emotional experiences and include family and cultural traditions. Stronger bonds include codependence and the strongest may be identification with a person, organization or nationality.

Bonds, and their consequences, that connect people
into families and lineages may be called family traditions.

Many bonded beliefs begin with I am ... (e.g. "I am a psychologist"), as bonds can be substitutes for identity - a form of identity loss. (E.g. many people identify with the diagnostic opinions given by medical doctors. In a hospital, instead of a human being, you may become "the gall-bladder in room 13").

For 20 years, my colleagues and I have helped people explore and change bonds, some of which we call taboo. Taboo implies that people may not allow themselves to consider, let alone challenge, their underlying beliefs and identifications. (E.g. "I am too stupid to survive alone" might support attachments to difficult or abusive people).

Is cancer random? Some cancers (e.g. lung and skin) are risk related, and some seem to develop in those body locations where we feel bonded to certain people.

Our bondwork can change obsessions
and compulsions into ordinary temptations.

Some bonds arise from marketing suggestions, commonly used to influence people to feel connected to commercial products, political rhetoric or religious dogma.

Do you want to explore the roots of emotions, behaviors and beliefs,
and change unwanted self-sabotage, obsessions or compulsions?

Many Beliefs support Bonds

What do you HAVE to believe to remain in your job? What MUST you believe to stay in your marriage? What SHOULD you believe to be your parent's child? What are you REQUIRED to believe to participate in a religion? And if those or similar bonds limit your happiness or depress your sense of life, can you change them?

Many unpleasant relationship bonds are consequences of abuse,
e.g. parental alienation (a parent alienates the other in the mind
of their child) or of covert emotional incest (when an adult family
member relates to a child as a substitute for a partner).

I often hear people say things like, "I want to be healthy, but not if I must change my beliefs about ... xxx", where xxx is some political slogan, New Age ideal or religious dogma. Many bonded beliefs may feel more important than health, some feel more important than happiness and some may seem more important than life.

Some organizations strive to install obsessive bonds and compliance in their members. Consider political parties, religious cults, military organizations and multi-level marketing companies. People with obsessive or compulsive bonds are more  easily manipulated.

If you were abused, if you abused someone or if you suffered therapist damage, your bonds to those people will impact your other relationships. When your abusive bonds are triggered, you may suffer the consequences of abuse again and again!

The Name is BOND

Relational bonds encourage you to cling to beliefs, obsessions and compulsions. Why did you buy your current car ... or mobile phone? Professional marketing programs are designed by experts to install obsessions and compliance in people like YOU.

Bonded people show limiting beliefs, obsessions, compulsions and
psychosomatic symptoms
? Such people live in a state of trance.

Part 2. Beliefs & Identity Loss . Part 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds

Do you want to change obsessions, compulsions or relationship habits?

Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling and Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1999-2017


If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention www.SystemicPsychology.com or www.EmotionsRelationships.com

Email us at: europecoach@gmail.com

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii

 

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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do your emotions block you? Resolve relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2017 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email europecoach@gmail.com