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Relationships play a dominant and crucial role in our lives.
Healthy relationships show caring, support, and respect for human equality and dignity.
Unhealthy relationships often show dependence.
Identity Loss in Human Relationship Systems
The members of a relationship system act in ways to stabilize
the system following a set of overt and covert rules. These rules control
conflict and security. And where there are rules - there is loss of freedom
and choice.
In some relationship systems, the cost of stability may be the
loss of freedom and choice. This lack of freedom includes, totalitarian, military
and prison systems - and dysfunctional families. Homeostasis in dysfunctional systems
roles may require sickness, disability, exile or death. Disease has a function.
As choice is replaced by compulsion and compliance - members of a
dysfunctional system unconsciously fulfill their roles - and lose their
individual identity. This is systemic identity loss.
I divide systemic identity loss into:
- Identity Bonds - behavior is bonded by fear of loss
- Identification - behavior is identified with another person
- Identity Conflict - behavior is sequentially identified with two people
- Lost Identity - behavior is dissociated and lacks references to a sense of "self"
- Identity Bonds refer to deep belief and emotions that bond a person to a system
Identification in a Relationship system
Identification refers to the unconscious acceptance of
a dominant personality - either temporarily or existentially.
Children learn by identifying with people - and adults try to
make sense of a senseless life. Many people act as if they are partially identified
with other people. Identified people may feel normal, even when acting in ways that
other people consider abnormal.
| Are you identified? |
If you are identified, you may feel something or somebody in or around or close to you that somehow directs your behavior and may feel protective. You may feel a sense of guidance and protection - not an invading entity. | Personality identification follows systemic rules... - A victim identified person expresses chronic anger or rage
- A dead person identified person expresses chronic sadness or melancholy
- A hero identified person expresses chronic fear or anxiety attacks
The symptoms are often easy to perceive – a victim identified person is generally suspicious and may enjoy annoying people; a dead person identified person is generally melancholy and may be obsessed with death; and a hero identified person is generally anxious and may avoid any type of change. An identified person feels most intensely when expressing the unexpressed emotions of a role model. These emotional expressions may come as a massive relief, although perhaps with awareness of unpleasant consequences to come. An identified person may describe an experience of "rightness in a wrong world". | Reality Check | You said that my symptoms indicated that I might have "identified" with a dead person ... yes, my dead grandpa felt totally "me" - he felt more me than myself. AP |
Identity Loss may be called a Personality Disorder Symptoms called
personality disorders are often learned behaviors that helped survival, but are no longer appropriate. Personality disorders are different to behaviors caused by organic brain dysfunction. Some people diagnosed with Personality Disorder show symptoms similar to those called Victim Identification in systemic coaching - complete with disabling identity beliefs and age regressed behavior typical of PTSD. People with symptoms described as personality disorders can be difficult to coach until they are certain that they can trust you. Building trust is a primary coaching goal. Soulwork systemic coaching can help motivated adults who wish to control these symptoms live an orderly life, set realistic goals and make realistic plans. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) A person diagnosed with BPD may experience intense anger, depression and anxiety for a few hours. These may be associated with episodes of aggression, self-injury, risky sex and drug or alcohol abuse. People diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder often fear abandonment rooted in childhood trauma of abuse and/or neglect). They often believe themselves to be fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may frequently change long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships and values. Some people with symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder also show symptoms of other personality disorders. Both environmental and genetic factors may predispose people to BPD symptoms. Many people with BPD report abuse, neglect, separation, or sexual abuse, usually by a non-caregiver. Adults with BPD are often the victim of violence or rape. Medications are often prescribed based on symptoms. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be prescribed for depressed and/or unstable people. Antipsychotic drugs may be prescribed when there are distortions in thinking. Group and individual therapy helps many people. | Symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder | - suspicious and irritable
- extreme mood swings (but not bipolar)
- feel misunderstood and mistreated
- unpleasant feelings of boredom and emptiness
- self-destructive (may help control feelings)
- see people as victims or victimizers
- if they see you as a a victim, they manipulate you
| - avoids being alone
- if they see you as a victimizer - they punish you
- little sense of self - or of boundaries
- fear of intimacy and partnership
- prefer codependent relationships
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bond (e.g. "I am unworthy of love")
- cannot make stable long-term goals
| We note that people may show one of
three types of behavior: Passive, Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive. Passive behavior is more often shown by women, while aggressive behavior is more often male.
And some people are too afraid to show their anger - see
Passive
Aggressive
| Passive |
Aggressive |
- avoids attention - they survived abuse by hiding and keeping a low profile
- dependent, clings to helpers
- prefer chaos to peace
- focuses on feeling worthless
- focus on the urgency of their needs
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- seeks attention - they survived abuse by being defiant and rebellious
- manipulative, perhaps paranoid
- pushes most people away
- loners and rebels
- focus on people's imperfections
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There is a societal trend to look outside conventional
medicine for answers to health care problems. While conventional medicine is
preferred in emergencies, Systemic Solutions helps people prevent and resolve
chronic symptoms, often as a supplement to conventional medicine.
Systemic Solutions for people with Victim Identification
- Help them voice objections and disagreements
- Agree to help them identify their goals (goalwork)
- Create clear and concise agreements so that they know exactly what to expect
- Gain trust (not easy - they may be the most suspicious and
angry people you meet)
- Systemic diagnosis - gently explore their emotional reality
- Dissolve victim identification as a priority
- Dissolve limiting relationship bonds (beliefs about
unworthiness etc)
- Dissolve trauma in which the identification and bonds were created
Consult your physician about any opinions or recommendations
about medical symptoms
or other medical questions.
Do you want coaching or
coach training?
We can train you to coach people to resolve emotional and relationship challenges.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2009 All rights reserved. Recommended reading: "Life at the Border" by Dr. Heller
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