TRAINING  &  COACHING  for  MANAGERS & LEADERS

Case Histories

Identity Loss: Identification with a Victim

(& Borderline Personality Disorder)

Relationships play a dominant and crucial role in our lives. Healthy relationships show caring, support, and respect for human equality and dignity. Unhealthy relationships often show dependence

Identity Loss in Human Relationship Systems

The members of a relationship system act in ways to stabilize the system following a set of overt and covert rules. These rules control conflict and security. And where there are rules - there is loss of freedom and choice.

In some relationship systems, the cost of stability may be the complete loss of freedom and choice. This lack of freedom includes , totalitarian, military and prison systems - and dysfunctional families. Homeostasis in dysfunctional systems roles may require sickness, disability, exile or death. Disease has a function.

As choice is replaced by compulsion and compliance - members of a dysfunctional system unconsciously fulfill their roles - and lose their individual identity. This is systemic identity loss.

Systemic Identity Loss can be divided into:

• Identity Bonds - behavior is bonded by fear of loss
• Identification - behavior is identified with another person
• Identity Conflict - behavior is sequentially identified with two people
• Lost Identity - behavior is dissociated and lacks references to a sense of "self"
• Identity Bonds refer to deep belief and emotions that bond a person to a system

Identification in a Relationship system

Identification refers to the unconscious acceptance of a dominant personality - either temporarily or existentially.

Children learn by identifying with people - and adults try to make sense of a senseless life. Many people act as if they are partially identified with other people. Identified people may feel normal, even when acting in ways that other people consider abnormal.

Personality identification follows systemic rules...

• A victim identified person expresses chronic anger or rage
• A dead person identified person expresses chronic sadness or melancholy
• A hero identified person expresses chronic fear or anxiety attacks

The symptoms are often easy to perceive – a victim identified person is generally suspicious and may enjoy annoying people; a dead person identified person is generally melancholy and may be obsessed with death; and a hero identified person is generally anxious and may avoid any type of change.

An identified person feels most intensely when expressing the unexpressed emotions of a role model. These emotional expressions may come as a massive relief, although perhaps with awareness of unpleasant consequences to come. An identified person may describe an experience of "rightness in a wrong world".

Identity Loss may be called Personality Disorder

Symptoms called personality disorders are often learned behaviors that helped survival, but are no longer appropriate. Personality disorders are different to behaviors caused by organic brain dysfunction.

Some people diagnosed with Personality Disorder show symptoms similar to those called Victim Identification in systemic coaching - complete with disabling identity beliefs and age regressed behavior typical of PTSD.

People with symptoms described as personality disorders can be difficult to coach until they are certain that they can trust you. Building trust is a primary coaching goal.

Soulwork systemic coaching can help motivated adults who wish to control these symptoms live an orderly life, set realistic goals and make realistic plans.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

A person diagnosed with BPD may experience intense anger, depression and anxiety for a few hours. These may be associated with episodes of aggression, self-injury, risky sex and drug or alcohol abuse.

People diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder often fear abandonment rooted in childhood trauma of abuse and/or neglect). They often believe themselves to be fundamentally bad, or unworthy.

They may frequently change long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships and values.

Some people with symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder also show symptoms of other personality disorders.

Causes of Borderline Personality Disorder

Both environmental and genetic factors may predispose people to BPD symptoms. Many people with BPD report abuse, neglect, separation, or sexual abuse, usually by a non-caregiver. Adults with BPD are often the victim of violence or rape.

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

Medications are often prescribed based on symptoms. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be prescribed for depressed and/or unstable people. Antipsychotic drugs may be prescribed when there are distortions in thinking. Group and individual therapy helps many people.

We note that people may show one of two types of behavior: Passive and Aggressive. Passive behavior is more often shown by women, while aggressive behavior is more often male.

There is a societal trend to look outside conventional medicine for answers to health care problems. While conventional medicine is preferred in emergencies, Systemic Solutions helps people prevent and resolve chronic symptoms, often as a supplement to conventional medicine.

Systemic Solutions for people with Victim Identification

1. Gain trust (not easy - they may be the most suspicious people you meet)
2. (Until you build trust, expect resistance to your assistance)
3. Help them voice objections and disagreements
4. Create clear and concise agreements so that they know exactly what to expect
5. Agree to help them identify their goals (goalwork)
6. Systemic diagnosis - gently expose their emotional reality
7. Dissolve victim identification as a priority
8. Dissolve limiting relationship bonds (beliefs about unworthiness etc)
9. Dissolve trauma in which the identification and bonds were created

Relationship Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training ... Your Next Step

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005, 2006. All rights reserved.

Recommended reading: "Life at the Border" by Dr. Heller