Is your partner is having an affair?
What can you do and what should you avoid?
Affairs and Infidelity
. Signs of Affairs
. Recovering from Betrayal
Many people react emotionally when
they discover they were betrayed. Emotions such as anger,
fear, guilt or a desire for revenge may motivate behaviors that are
later regretted - behaviors which may complicate
you solving the real problems.
During the stress of betrayal, many
people age regress and act like children. Whatever crazy things
other people do, I hope to help you not to sabotage your
flexibility or your sanity. Whether you want to stay together
or to separate, avoid making the situation worse. Here are some
things to do and some things to avoid.
Many people having affairs are often passive aggressive
... afraid of their emotions and afraid of other people's reactions. Did you
have an affair and keep it secret? Are you still doing this? We can help you
resolve your guilt and make better decisions.
I wanted to tell my husband the truth. After a horrible month
he told me that I should have kept the details to myself.
now that I only told him to try to reduce my guilt.
What Can you Do About a Partner's Affair?
This is a delicate time. You may be wrong about your partner -
but even if you're right, an affair need not mean the end of a
partnership. Affairs can be passionate and romantic; and they
can be destructive and hurtful. Often they are both.
1. Stay adult ... avoid reacting like a child!
Observe and consider what's going on. Gather
information to help you make intelligent decisions. Monitor your partner's
activities and attitude about the affair. Perhaps you can work things out.
You're not a masochistic detective - so why act like one?
Avoid obsessing about details and focus on the big picture: you
need information to make decisions.
Maybe it was partly your fault. Were you overly concerned
with your career, sport or the kids? Take responsibility for your
actions or lack of actions We can help you learn and avoid
2. Be strong ... don't act like a victim ... nor like an abuser!
You may want to tell people about your partner's betrayal, and
get friends and family on your side. Be cautious - confiding in opposite sex friends may trigger sexual
Telling your partner's friends or family may be counter-productive.
They might not take you seriously. Or they may lie, or make excuses or
take your partner's side. Confiding in family and friends can come back
and haunt you.
People usually remember unpleasant events long after they've been resolved.
If you and your partner reconcile, people may continue to show anger towards
your partner, or to judge you as a victim, or criticize you. Be careful who you tell.
3. Confront your partner with proof of betrayal.
Denial and lies usually makes things worse. While it is
shocking to discover that a partner is cheating, deal with it.
Ignoring infidelity may be taken as tacit approval to continue
an affair. Confront your partner with proof of betrayal
to save time. Maybe say that you know about the affair and that you want it to
stop - now.
Confront your partner sooner than later. The longer
you wait to express disapproval, the more you will be radiating
disapproval nonverbally and the more they may bond to each other.
Affairs thrive on secrecy. Tell your partner what you know about their affair.
We believe that most people should soon confront
their partners about any cheating. Choose a time
and place in which you can discuss the affair and the consequences
at length, privately and without interruptions.
4. Have proof, plan, and purpose - don't
be vague or wishy-washy.
Do not ask your partner if he or she is
cheating. Avoid cat and mouse games and minimize opportunities for lies.
Just present the evidence that proves an affair - names, dates,
places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc.
Ask why and how the affair started,
how long it's been going on, how they feel about each other and what they
intend to do next. Listen carefully, maybe take
notes and try to assess the situation calmly. Then you can better decide what to do.
5. Focus on YOU and your PARTNER - don't be a
Avoid obsessing about the "other" person. Probably
you feel curious, but it's not worth your time and energy. Avoid
interrogating your partner, or using that person's name in
conversations. Avoid obsessing about the details of whatever
they did together.
Concentrate on working things out. Do not
humiliate yourself by asking the other person to
leave your partner alone. Threats or harassment break the
law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the other person
may cause your partner to defend their affair ... you may push
them closer together. Decide whether or not to rebuild your
So much depends on how you handle things when you first discover the affair.
At first, you may be unsure what you're going to do. But at least
you better know what to avoid. Whether you stay or leave, clear the way for
whatever decision you make.
Usually, the best thing is to ask your partner directly.
You do not need raw details ...
you want information to make decisions.
Many people try to hide their betrayal ... here are
signs of affairs.
I was shocked when I
found that my wife was having an affair ...
I was shocked at my naivety. Many of
the signs you list were there.
I just didn't want to see them. Arizona
cannot make your partner change! Review your own behavior. What are you doing - or not doing - that
you can change? If your partnership is important enough that you want to change - we can help you!
What do you really want? Stability? Power? Success? Community
approval? For your children to have two loving parents? Know why you
want to continue a partnership.
Hey man - like what planet are you from?
My girlfriend found your stuff on affairs and made me read it.
So what if I'm married ... I want some fun!
You have more chance of recreating a happy partnership if you
accept that part of the reason for your partner's infidelity is you. Don't wait
for suffering to motivate you to improve
your relationship skills.
Heal a Partnership after Betrayal
Affairs need not destroy a partnership, although guilt, recriminations
and transferences can tear couples apart.
We coached many couples who were ready to separate to learn
from their experiences and begin wonderful
new partnerships together.
My husband read one your
article about affairs and came home early and
caught me! I was just having
fun with a neighbor. He didn't need to know!
Now he's angry and the
children are all upset. I wasn't so bad.
How can I make him calm down?
Your partnership can be better than you might imagine. We help couples
themselves and each other as a basis for renewed relationships.
Online Help: Counseling to Recover from an Affair
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2017 All rights reserved