Is it easier to take drugs than
to resolve relationship issues?
Is it easier for you to use alcohol, nicotine, prescription anti-depressants and
stimulants than to apply intelligence and analytical skills to your
What is Normal?
Since the dawn of history, most people lived in rural communities with many
everyone they knew was family. Learning parenting was simply part
of growing up ... with family
members watching and sometimes too willing to offer advice.
In older times, most parents were teenagers and child-raising was a normal part of busy lives. Who needed to
learn parenting? Yet healthy parenting is still rather new in
Western countries, and seems little known in older cultures.
Much culture is simply people copying other people.
Our cultures seem shaped more and more by the ideals of
marketers, politicians and television producers. Many families
suffer more seclusion in urban apartments than in rural villages.
What is Abuse?
It is a sad fact that although children do the least to cause marriage
and family problems, children will will suffer the most from them.
Children are subject to their parents' rules, maturity,
parenting skills, background and beliefs.
I know of no accepted definitions of child abuse, child maltreatment or
cruelty to children. Decisions to label a person as an
abuser are usually made by victims, or by legal or health professionals. The situation is further
confused by differences between physical abuse, emotional
abuse and neglect.
He who spares the rod hates
but he that loves him corrects him Proverbs 13:24
A useful definition of an abused child is: "any child
who receives non-accidental injury as a result of acts or omissions on
the part of adults that violate community standards concerning the
treatment of children."
As emotional abuse seems to be normal in many families,
I define it as behavior that causes people to dissociate or
fragment or "split-off" parts of themselves.
Children in Crisis?
- Is it appropriate for you to offer assistance? See
- If so, build trust and offer emotional first aid -
breathe, walk and relax.
- Empathize with child’s emotions. Listen carefully
and talk it through.
- Build trust and ask about what happened. Listen
- Help child deal with ideas of guilt and punishment.
- Explore options for solutions and restitution.
- Prepare to handle consequences.
Severe child discipline can be traced back to the ancient
Greeks, Romans and Jews, when slaves were property of their owners and
children were property of their parents. Only in the 20th century was
cruelty to children first regarded as a legal problem (and then only after
Cruelty to Animals legislation.)
Consequences of Child Abuse
The effects of child abuse range from hurt feelings to lasting
behavioral, emotional and mental impairment, especially following
sexual assault. Some abused children become adults who are chronically
depressed or dissociated,
people who may abuse or neglect children themselves.
Structural consequences of childhood
maltreatment include disruptive development of corpus callosum, left
neocortex, hippocampus, and amygdale; functional consequences include
increased electrical irritability in limbic areas, frontal lobe dysfunctions
... and subsequently the stress response. Grassi-Oliveira R, Ashy M, Stein LM.
Psychology Department, Pontifícia Universidade Católica do Rio Grande do Sul,
While this may suggest that people suffering the
consequences of child abuse cannot change, we continually help
people to change many consequences of abuse.
. Sexual Abuse
We find no no single abusive personality. Only a small
percentage of abusive parents seem to have severe mental health disorders or
extreme religious beliefs. However, most abusive parents lack relationship
skills - they often lack friendship skills, teamwork skills, partnership
skills and parenting skills. Their skill deficiencies often include problems
coping with stress and emotional self-control.
Prevent & Remedy Child Abuse
Do you want to to improve
your parenting skills? If you can evaluate your own
family and friends, solve emotional problems and develop friendship and partnership skills,
you are likely to develop healthy parenting skills.
. Parent Alienation
In our systemic psychology, both the prevention and
resolution of child abuse begins with helping adults evaluate their
families (relationship diagnosis).
A person's evaluations of his or her family members can be recorded
as a family matrix.
Following relationship diagnosis, we help people plan
which should be the first relationship to clarify ... which next ...
and so on. Each clarification helps a person choose how to behave,
which changes emotions, compulsions, conflicts, relationship bonds
and other effects of trauma and abuse.
The result is a relationship coaching
plan in which a person's verbal
and non-verbal communication shows full support of the plan without
verbal or non-verbal objections.
Build Interpersonal Skills
Most people want better interpersonal skills to enjoy better
relationships - although few seem to be motivated to change. Communication
skills help build lasting friendships and improve working relationships and are a basis for partnership and parenting.
- Know your values and define your goals.
- Solve relationship problems.
Learn how to stay calm in chaos.
- Express yourself appropriately with parents,
siblings, friends, colleagues, etc.
We provide life models that can help you and others prevent
and manage the consequences of child abuse and emotional incest. We offer proven
ways to help you change the
underlying emotional causes of ...
People who were abused as children may fear happiness and success, and
sabotage their own relationships. We can help most people change negative emotions,
build happy relationships and move on with their lives - in short time frames.
We coach people to identify their individual needs, and make action
plans for change. We support and encourage people to achieve their goals
and objectives. Contact us for help handling relationship problems.
Online Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Systemic Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright
© Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
All rights reserved