Many trainings teach people to start at the beginning.
When we offer couple coaching, we like to start at the end.
When we know where we're going, it's much easier to get there.
We can encourage you to make decisions - but
we do not make decisions for you.
We can encourage you to see other points of view - but we do not take sides.
We can support your choices but we will not press you to change.
Do you want a better partnership? Is your relationship in
trouble? Or is it great and you want to make it better? Our couple coaching
can help you enjoy better relationships. We offer a complete model of
pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling and a coaching service for business
We help couples and partners check their goals, roles, habits, rules and beliefs.
We help them solve emotional issues and relationship problems. We help people
problems and enjoy better partnership.
When couples want to improve their relationships,
we also help them assess the impact of their relationships with their extended
family and the expectations of their communities in the context of their goals.
Conjoint Therapy & Systemic Coaching
During conjoint (simultaneous) couple therapy and systemic
coaching, we assist partners or family members to improve their
relationships. We provide a complete coaching methodology that
includes couple contracts for solving relationship problems.
While there are usually advantages if both partners attending
sessions together, we prefer to first meet the partners individually.
Our aim is to help people work together, so that our sessions
become a catalyst for change.
Wishes & Demands
Every mature partner will have ideas or wishes that he or
she believes would make things even better. And every mature partner will
have some demands - non-negotiable requirements that must be met for the
relationship to continue. (Immature or dependent adults may be unable to
express their wishes).
"My partner is only
doing that to try to make me feel better."
Heard many times ... as a complaint!
A wish might be, "For my happiness, I want you kiss me before you go to work".
A demand might be, "Unless you stop doing THAT, our
relationship will be over!"
Couple Coaching Agreements
If you are committed to a partnership, you can use agreements
to clarify your relationship. This often clarifies strange partnership behavior
and unexpected events. It also provides a focus for effective telephone coaching
when a person, a partnership, or a family is in trouble. You can:
- Define your concepts of your partnership responsibilities
and the benefits that you
expect to gain from your partnership and from your partner.
- Write what you and your partner expect to give and to
receive. Contracts can deal with every aspect of family life:
relationships with friends, achievements, power, sex, leisure time,
money, children, and etc.
- Write a contract based on both of your needs and wishes.
These will include your healthy needs and plausible wishes, as well as
unreasonable needs and conflicting wishes. You may find that
your attempts to fulfill your partner's needs assume that your
own wishes will be fulfilled.
We wrote our responsibilities and wishes
separately and we agreed not to discuss them until we had both finished. We
read and talk about our papers as much as we wanted. We made some changes and
additions, but we also kept our original words and noted our changes. At first
we felt puzzled - yet later we were very pleased with this.
Soon, we could use each other's
wishes on our own initiative, without asking questions like,
"What is in this for me?", or "Do you get
more than me?" Instead, our wishes evolved to "How
happy can we be together?" Hawaii
Although each of you may know what you want, you may be less
aware of your partner's wishes. If you assume that your partner agrees to a
certain point, if your wishes are not fulfilled, you may react with anger,
anxiety, depression or withdrawal. (This is especially likely if you believe
that you fulfilled your obligations but that your partner did not.)
- Together explore all of your wishes, and find conflicts
- Resolve your conflicts and integrate your wishes to
form partnership goals
To better integrate your wishes, systemic coaching can help
- determine what you want from each other
- describe what you offer to each other
- test the realism of your fantasies and expectations
- create partnership goals that meet both your needs
Simple Suggestions for Finding Partnership Goals
- Write your desired individual responsibilities
and wishes separately
- Read your written responsibilities and wishes to
- Avoid any form of complaint, criticism,
blame or justification
- Take turns initiating and playing out each
- The initiator plays out his or her own wish
- Later check your written wishes to be
sure that you fulfilled them all
- Both of you add new wishes and repeat
Success & Sanity
It is obvious to our senses that the world is mostly flat,
and that the sun moves over us. The Polish astronomer Nikolaj Kopernik
(Copernicus) overturned that notion - at some risk to his life. Sanity
changed. Galileo, Newton, Einstein ... many people risked the labels of
insane or heretic to change our paradigms of reality.
And these paradigm shifts became resources for future technological success.
Alfred Korzybski - in his book Science and Sanity
- provided useful models for clear communication. Dr Clare Graves
provided a useful methodology of human development in
relationships. Dr Gregory Bateson created a useful
hierarchy of abstraction. We integrated these models into our
systemic coaching to help ordinary people get extra-ordinary results.
Contact us to gain clarity, manage emotional problems,
manage unpleasant emotions and to build better relationships.
Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2004-2018
All rights reserved.