Do you know women who:
- act childishly?
- don't grow up?
- cling to their fathers?
- are irritated by their mothers?
- cannot maintain a partnership?
- seem selfish and manipulative?
These signs suggest confusion for these women and for men
involved with them. Do you want to untangle your relationships?
Part 2 -
Princess in a Dark Tower
. Mother's Boys
Father - Daughter Relationships
Children who feel loved and supported by both parents
seem to make mature life decisions. Memories of how their parents behaved appear to impact their
perceptions of maturity and adult responsibilities for the rest of
Children of mature, happy parents seem much better prepared for adult life
than children of immature, dissociated or depressed parents, who may, as
adults, seem unprepared for
committed partnership or stable parenthood.
Some daughters may try to become substitute partners
for their fathers or even surrogate mothers
of their fathers. They may seem to grow up too quickly, while others may
appear to delay their maturity and remain childish, especially if the daughters have problems relating to their mothers.
Later in life as women, they may seek partners who are much like their
fathers - or as unlike their fathers as possible. Some few may
avoid men or prefer female partners.
Mature fathers can help their daughters build healthy personal
identities. Immature fathers may try to be their daughter's best
friends ... or their daughter's boyfriends. Some fathers will not
recognize their daughter's maturity and persist in treating their adult
daughters as little girls. (Some women enjoy this while most hate it).
Parenting adolescents can be complex. Some fathers distance
themselves from their teenage daughters, although this is when
daughters need their fathers to be mature, strong men - to
safely push against, to resist, and to practice saying "No!"
Emotionally healthy parents provide a strong basis for young
adults' maturity and future partnerships. Adult children of immature
parents often suffer confused lives.
Suffering Across Generations
Women who are entangled with their fathers often prefer relationships with
immature or mother-bonded men. They may later enmesh
their own sons in covert emotional incest.
If parents perceive their children as rivals, or as substitutes for
friends, partners or even parents, their enmeshed
children may develop chronic emotions, learning disabilities, eating
problems or obsessions.
Such habits often seem to continue across generations, and, in many
countries, parent-child enmeshment is so normal that it may not be
noticed. Consider the stereotypes of family relationships in Southern Europe.
Adult Woman or Young Girl?
Women who are entangled with their fathers are often
unable to enjoy stable partnerships - except with substitutes for
fathers, brothers or sons. Such women may attempt to rescue
immature or addicted men - and avoid or reject mature men.
I have a wonderful father
but my mother won't appreciate what a good man he is ...
she is depressed and it would be better if she left ... my father hates my
and says that no man is good enough for me ... I love
him so much. Atlanta
The price of covert emotional incest can be high. Some father-bonded
women become depressed or addicted. Some become bisexual or lesbian.
Some suicide. See Teenage Girl in Trouble.
My father often told me that I
should only receive the best and that anything
was a sign of disrespect ... he told me to demand the best from
... always more than they want to give me.
Substitute & Fantasy Fathers
If your father was absent, dissociated or irresponsible, you may
have unconsciously adopted other male relatives as a substitute fathers - perhaps
a brother, uncle or grandfather. Some children create fantasy perfect fathers who seem to provide the missing love. Although a fantasy
perfect father may help a fatherless daughter cling to health and sanity, the daughter may
later devote her life to seeking a perfect man or soul-mate.
My wife has an adult daughter
from a previous marriage ... her daughter is immature ...
she married an older man who is like her father ... she is
obsessed with her son and
threatens to divorce her husband if he interferes with her
Covert Emotional Incest
Parents, with good intentions, may love children in ways that
cause them to become entangled, depressed or codependent. These consequences
seem more likely if:
- A parent is victimized by another family member
- A parent is unable or unwilling to
provide mature guidance
- A parent is addicted, obsessed, depressed,
dissociated or suicidal
- A parent is absent or dead - and the other parent
is immature, lost or lonely
Your "Daddy's Girl"
matches my mother-in-law, who clings to her son - my husband.
She sabotaged our relationship. Neither of them have any
other friends ...
they don't want or need anyone else! I am supposed to
be their caretaker!
Ask people about love at first sight and you will hear
many examples of entanglements and transferences ... and of their consequences.
I described some solutions for immature parenting at
When a daughter bonds to her father, her mother may react with
anger. Irritation is a warning that a behavior is unhealthy, but
punishing a daughter makes things worse. A mother may punish both her husband
and her daughter and lose herself in depression.
My ex-wife worshiped her father,
and she hated her mother for "abusing" her father.
After six years of criticism and insults, I left her continual
pressure to be
a "man" - which meant to become more like her father. Canada
Daddy's Girls may only attract (and feel attracted to) immature men, unless these women sabotage their attractiveness ... perhaps with
over-eating or skin disorders. But their immature partners may not enjoy their little princesses
for long - such women often lose
themselves in obsessions or depression - or fall in love with their sons.
Mother-son emotional incest is equally toxic and more common. Father-daughter and mother-son enmeshments
often simultaneously occur
in families; together with generations of suffering.
- Part 2
Relationship Counseling & Training
I thought you were
just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn
Carruthers 2001-2017 All rights reserved.