Do you want a great relationship but you feel enmeshed in difficult
relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from childhood abuse,
your parents' drama or an ex-partner's demands? Do you want to untangle
your life and prepare for partnership?
. Pre-Marital Coaching
From Singles to Partners
Selecting a dating partner with view to a long-term relationship
is neither easy nor trivial. The consequences of your choices
will haunt you. Providing that you know what you want, recognizing
some simple behaviors can help you choose an appropriate dating partner.
Here's a useful checklist ...
- Sense of humor
- Shows up on time
- Sexual orientation
- Takes care of own body
- Not entangled with a parent
- Manages own responsibilities
- Reliable; follows agreed plans
- Resolves conflict constructively
- Discusses your and own feelings
- Takes control or follows as appropriate
- Enjoys affection and physical intimacy
- Has ended previous intimate relationships
- Uses intoxicants occasionally or not at all
- Has one or more personal friends for years
- Shows interest in your feelings and activities
- Expresses anger and frustration appropriately
- Respects your physical and emotional boundaries
- Accepts feedback without becoming offensive or defensive
How would you assess yourself? Maybe ask a good friend or a
past-partner to rate you on these same qualities. Your self-perception
may be a little too hard ... or too generous. Your good intentions,
warm feelings and nice thoughts may not be enough to attract an
appropriate partner or to make a partnership work.
Many people lose themselves in their work, sport, hobbies or other
life issues? They lack dating or relationship skills ... or they forget
them ... or maybe they never developed those skills. Good relationship
skills are not magic, yet they can have a magical effect on life.
Many people seek a partner to complete them. They
believe that their happiness depends on someone else. They evaluate
opportunities through a filter of loneliness. "I can't go
there, do that ... by myself" They may ignore opportunities
and hide from life.
Mind the Gap: What
about Age Difference?
There is as much stress when starting a partnership as when a
partnership breaks down, except that you are more likely to have
more optimism at the start. Its important to notice if you be
yourself when you are with him/her. Other indicators of
relationship stress are whether a potential partner ...
- Enjoys your friends?
- Both talks and listens?
- Asks for your opinions?
- Deals with own emotions?
- Can pay monthly expenses?
- Over-uses drugs or alcohol?
- Loses his/her temper easily?
- Has other interests besides you?
- Acts frustrated or hurt if you are busy?
- Has good relationships with own family and friends?
Well-meaning people may offer you shallow advice. They mean
well, but shallow advice usually lacks practical details about
how it may be accomplished and how to handle the consequences.
Is your life a testing ground for other people's ideas?
- How can you 'pull yourself together'?
- How can you relax about a cheating partner?
- How can you end a crisis and return to normal life?
- How can you act joyful, if you feel depressed and
- How can you find a new partner when you lack energy to go
Answering these questions may not be easy and there are no
foolproof solutions. While each relationship is unique, there are
common problems that need appropriate solutions, with acceptable
side-effects. Few coaches, counselors or therapists offer our
Many people expect the love of their life to magically
appear without any effort on their part. This common belief may result from
children's stories and television. Good relationships don't just happen except
in books and movies. Take responsibility for your love relationships as you
would for your career, health and finances.
Cultural Exchange: Intercultural Partnership
Predators & Misogynists
There are many predators out there - some with
faces of angels and very experienced in deceiving people like you. Human
predators may not try to hide their lack of skills or lack of commitment
... cheap and shallow relationships may be all they aspire to.
Higher up the feeding chain are people who are
married but who want 'fun on the side', and they are prepared to
lie, betray and deceive to get it. They make strong cover stories
and they can often be quite eloquent ... until any form commitment
is discussed. See Affairs and
Signs of Affairs.
Some warning signs are:
- Emotional bonding is for idiots
- They want you to act impressed
- They only contact you when they want sex
- Commitment and exclusivity are bad words
- They want you to make them feel important
- They don't want to hear about you, they want
to brag and complain
- You are supposed to be on call 24/7,
waiting for an opportunity to see them
And of course - for some people this is great and
just what they want too!
Single Parents & Dating
Some people, after separation or a partner's death, are so
overwhelmed by their emotions that they do not support their children,
especially when their children are quiet. See Divorce Coaching
and Children of Divorce.
Your children may distract themselves and say little, which
you may interpret that the children don't understand or don't care about
what's happening. Yet withdrawal often means that the children are in
distress, pretending disinterest while hoping for miracles. Few children
can verbally express their feelings about their parents' separation,
or about the absence or death of a parent.
If you become a single parent, perhaps your first priority may
be to recover your identity ("Who are you, really?").
We can help you heal any disappointments and trauma, and deal with
any sadness, anger, anxiety and other negative emotions. We can
coach you to nurture yourself, find your strength and then build
relationships on strength instead of weakness. (See
too soon when you feel infatuated. Those powerful feelings might
distort your clarity. You might ignore character flaws ... and
you might miss a more appropriate partner.
Perhaps date several people to maintain clarity.
When you choose one person, move slowly, including towards the
bedroom. Take time to be certain that this relationship is ideal
for you. Contact us if you want to move on.
Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright
© Martyn Carruthers, 2007-2018
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