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Interview with Martyn
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From Singles to Partners
Dating Success Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching for Great Relationships

Do you want a great relationship but you feel enmeshed in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from childhood abuse, your parents' drama or an ex-partner's demands? Do you want to untangle your life and prepare for partnership?

Dating . Pre-Marital Coaching

From Singles to Partners

Selecting a dating partner with view to a long-term relationship is neither easy nor trivial. The consequences of your choices will haunt you. Providing that you know what you want, recognizing some simple behaviors can help you choose an appropriate dating partner. Here's a useful checklist ...

  1. Single
  2. Optimistic
  3. Sense of humor
  4. Shows up on time
  5. Sexual orientation
  6. Takes care of own body
  7. Not entangled with a parent
  8. Manages own responsibilities
  9. Reliable; follows agreed plans
  10. Resolves conflict constructively
  11. Discusses your and own feelings
  12. Takes control or follows as appropriate
  13. Enjoys affection and physical intimacy
  14. Has ended previous intimate relationships
  15. Uses intoxicants occasionally or not at all
  16. Has one or more personal friends for years
  17. Shows interest in your feelings and activities
  18. Expresses anger and frustration appropriately
  19. Respects your physical and emotional boundaries
  20. Accepts feedback without becoming offensive or defensive

How would you assess yourself? Maybe ask a good friend or a past-partner to rate you on these same qualities. Your self-perception may be a little too hard ... or too generous. Your good intentions, warm feelings and nice thoughts may not be enough to attract an appropriate partner or to make a partnership work.

Many people lose themselves in their work, sport, hobbies or other life issues? They lack dating or relationship skills ... or they forget them ... or maybe they never developed those skills. Good relationship skills are not magic, yet they can have a magical effect on life.

Many people seek a partner to complete them. They believe that their happiness depends on someone else. They evaluate opportunities through a filter of loneliness. "I can't go there, do that ... by myself" They may ignore opportunities and hide from life.

Mind the Gap: What about Age Difference?

There is as much stress when starting a partnership as when a partnership breaks down, except that you are more likely to have more optimism at the start. Its important to notice if you be yourself when you are with him/her. Other indicators of relationship stress are whether a potential partner ...

  1. Enjoys your friends?
  2. Both talks and listens?
  3. Asks for your opinions?
  4. Deals with own emotions?
  5. Can pay monthly expenses?
  6. Over-uses drugs or alcohol?
  7. Loses his/her temper easily?
  8. Has other interests besides you?
  9. Acts frustrated or hurt if you are busy?
  10. Has good relationships with own family and friends?

Well-meaning people may offer you shallow advice. They mean well, but shallow advice usually lacks practical details about how it may be accomplished and how to handle the consequences. Is your life a testing ground for other people's ideas?

  1. How can you 'pull yourself together'?
  2. How can you relax about a cheating partner?
  3. How can you end a crisis and return to normal life?
  4. How can you act joyful, if you feel depressed and confused?
  5. How can you find a new partner when you lack energy to go out?

Answering these questions may not be easy and there are no foolproof solutions. While each relationship is unique, there are common problems that need appropriate solutions, with acceptable side-effects. Few coaches, counselors or therapists offer our systemic solutions.

Many people expect the love of their life to magically appear without any effort on their part. This common belief may result from children's stories and television. Good relationships don't just happen except in books and movies. Take responsibility for your love relationships as you would for your career, health and finances.

Cultural Exchange: Intercultural Partnership

Predators & Misogynists

There are many predators out there - some with faces of angels and very experienced in deceiving people like you. Human predators may not try to hide their lack of skills or lack of commitment ... cheap and shallow relationships may be all they aspire to.

Higher up the feeding chain are people who are married but who want 'fun on the side', and they are prepared to lie, betray and deceive to get it. They make strong cover stories and they can often be quite eloquent ... until any form commitment is discussed. See Affairs and Signs of Affairs.

Some warning signs are:

  1. Emotional bonding is for idiots
  2. They want you to act impressed
  3. They only contact you when they want sex
  4. Commitment and exclusivity are bad words
  5. They want you to make them feel important
  6. They don't want to hear about you, they want to brag and complain
  7. You are supposed to be on call 24/7, waiting for an opportunity to see them

And of course - for some people this is great and just what they want too!

Single Parents & Dating

Some people, after separation or a partner's death, are so overwhelmed by their emotions that they do not support their children, especially when their children are quiet. See Divorce Coaching and Children of Divorce.

Your children may distract themselves and say little, which you may interpret that the children don't understand or don't care about what's happening. Yet withdrawal often means that the children are in distress, pretending disinterest while hoping for miracles. Few children can verbally express their feelings about their parents' separation, or about the absence or death of a parent.

Regain Normality

If you become a single parent, perhaps your first priority may be to recover your identity ("Who are you, really?"). We can help you heal any disappointments and trauma, and deal with any sadness, anger, anxiety and other negative emotions. We can coach you to nurture yourself, find your strength and then build relationships on strength instead of weakness. (See Single Parents)

Avoid committing too soon when you feel infatuated. Those powerful feelings might distort your clarity. You might ignore character flaws ... and you might miss a more appropriate partner.

Perhaps date several people to maintain clarity. When you choose one person, move slowly, including towards the bedroom. Take time to be certain that this relationship is ideal for you. Contact us if you want to move on.

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers, 2007-2018
All rights reserved

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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email