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Dependence & Dependent Relationships
Advanced Systemic Solutions with Martyn
Carruthers |
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We present interactive and demonstration-rich workshops on
family entanglements, codependence and relationship intelligence.
Email us if you might be interested in a workshop.
Entangled Relationships
In your desire to express and receive love, you can
become entangled in your relationships. You
can lose your sense of freedom, purpose and happiness. You suffer. Soulwork Systemic
Coaching offers many ways for you to remedy this - for you to
increase happiness and alleviate suffering; for you to create a sense
of fulfillment throughout your life. This article outlines how you can
recognize and resolve entangled relationships that create suffering.
First - learn to recognize dependence. Dependent people
usually try to avoid responsibility, endlessly complain, blame others, tell
lies and ignore the consequences of their actions. Dependent people avoid
developing essential qualities and skills that support adult long-term happiness.
They may demand or manipulate other people to do for them what they can
learn to do for themselves. See Codependence.
You can also recognize dependent people by their willingness
to offer their bodies in trade for protection. This is described
in Emotional Incest,
Mother's Little Prince
and Daddy's
Little Princess, and can be seen in relationships in which emotional,
physical and sexual abuse is not only tolerated but expected.
[
Stress Disorders .
Divorce and Children
.
Parent Alienation ]
Are you Dependent?
Dependence is normal
for children, it is expected from sick people and it is mandatory for addicts.
You are likely dependent if you define "love" as
"actions that fulfill my needs". In that case your expressions
of love may require that you act in needy, demanding ways. If a person, family or organization stops
providing something on which you depend - you will probably redefine or end this
suddenly-unloving relationship. Your responses include finding another provider,
becoming sick or becoming self-reliant ... commonly called growing up.
Extreme dependence is often associated with sets of
symptoms such as:
[ Schizophrenia
. Bipolar Disorder .
Depression . Anxiety ]
Are you Healthy?
Some dependent adult relationships are so
common that they may not be seen as "unhealthy". Consider the relationship
messages in TV soap operas and Hollywood productions; listen carefully to the lyrics
of "love" songs; and watch advertising critically. Examine the covert
relationship messages implicit within in health care, education and government
propaganda in your country. You may be bombarded by dependent role models - and
by people who want your dependence!
Although a complete resolution of dependence
takes time, your golden keys are your responsibility and your motivation. Relationship Coaching provides a
complete methodology for coaching people like you to rebuild their
lives following dependent or codependent relationships.
Relationship Coaching & Dependent Relationships
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Relationship |
Example Challenges |
Example Solutions |
|
All relationships |
Relationships or "life" does not make sense. Depression. Obsession. Psychosomatic
symptoms. Addiction. Despair. Anxiety. |
Identify and clarify entanglements.
Coach person to find integrity, replace relationship and identity bonds,
dissolve emotional trauma and find mentors. (Relationship Coaching) |
|
Family |
A person attempts to control,
manipulate or victimize other family members
A person attempts to avoid
responsibility, or attempts to take over other member's responsibilities. |
Tough Love: Parents can monitor, maintain and enrich family harmony. Family discussions:
Family
can know each other's responsibilities, and to fulfill their own
responsibilities. |
|
Friends |
A person seeks people with problems
as "friends", to fulfill a need to "help" people. A person
only wants friends who will
"help" obtain needed resources. |
Coach a person to find
self-reliant friends who do not need the person's help as a basis for
friendship. Coach a person to find
self-reliant friends who do not compulsively help people as a basis for
friendship. |
|
Coach
(Counselor, Consultant, Therapist, Healer, etc) |
A coach etc depends on clients to create a sense of purpose or
self-respect. A coach etc depends on clients to have any relationships at all.
A coach etc wants to recruit clients from amongst friends, family, teams
etc.
A coach etc wants friendly or intimate relationships with clients. |
A coach etc has a sense of purpose and self-respect across
contexts. A coach etc has healthy relationships outside of working relationships.
A coach etc can coach friends, family or colleagues with well
defined, congruent agreements.
Allow appropriate time between coaching and other forms of
relationship. |
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Teams |
Team member
depends on other members do his or her work or take his or her
responsibilities Team member wants to do other members
work or take their responsibilities
Team member wants to manipulate other
team members, OR treat them like "family" |
Coach a team leader to select team members based on friendship skills, expertise and
other relevant criteria. A team leader can use team process
to recognize and correct behavior.
Coach a team leader in teamwork and team
leadership skills. |
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Partnership |
Person wants a partner who will act as
a "parent", "sibling" or "child". Person does not fulfill
responsibilities OR person tries to fulfill partner's responsibilities
Person becomes anxious, angry or
depressed if partner is happy or successful |
Coach a person to observe
self and a potential partner before committment. Define and fulfill own and partner
responsibilities, and support partner to fulfill his or her responsibilities.
Coach partners to
encourage each other's development, success and happiness. |
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Parenthood |
A parent needs a child and becomes anxious, angry or
depressed when a child matures. A physically healthy parent acts like a "child" of the
child, demanding help.
A parent treats a child as a possession or servant,
rejecting the child's individuality.
A parent wants to live through a child, motivating the
child to do what the parent wanted to do. |
Coach parents to have friends with whom they can
discuss partnership and parenthood concerns Coach adult children
to separate from parents for a defined period.
Coach a person to untangle and clarify relationships with
parents. (Children cannot do this!)
Coach parents to resourcefully work together to improve family health. |
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Community
Politics |
A person avoids responsibilities and
depends on a community, government, state or politician (e.g. welfare
recipients). A person wants to control or manipulate
the behavior of a community or country. |
Few solutions are possible until a person
wants to change. Even then, a
community may change rules and leaders yet keep the dependence.
A person should first fulfill partnership and parenthood
responsibilities. |
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Humanity
Cosmos
God
Philosophy |
A person wants to avoid responsibility and depend on humanity, the
universe, a deity or a philosophy to somehow provide food, shelter and life
direction. This person may try to create dependent relationships in
all categories. |
Few solutions until suffering motivates an end suffering
- steps towards freedom,
interdependence and dignity.
Some people prefer to die than to change their relationship bonds. |
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Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? Do you want to coach people to resolve emotional and relationship challenges?
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© Martyn Carruthers 2000-2009 All rights reserved.
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