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Solutions for Depression, Guilt & Shame
Change Negative Thoughts and Feelings Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Do you want to end depression?
Depression can be a time to evaluate, "What makes sense in life?"

Many people attempt to use drugs as a substitute for solving relationship problems. Alcohol, nicotine and anti-depressants seem easier than solving guilt issues.

Consequences of Depression

If you feel depressed for more than a few days,
we recommend that you talk to a medical doctor
especially if you consider harming yourself or others.

Depression is part of life. Depression affects about 10% of the world population - there are about three million depressed people in England alone. We find that common causes of depression are not an economic crisis so much as relationship problems and lives without meaning.

If you have healthy relationships and a sense of purpose - an economic crisis or recession are just other problems to solve! If you feel anxiety about your family or worried about aging, sex drive or thinning hair, it's easier to blame some crisis for limiting your enjoyment of life. Why not fix the real problem?

Depression can contribute to bedroom problems such as impotence (erectile dysfunction in men and frigidity in women). Depressed people can damage or destroy their partnerships and family harmony - increasing their depression.

Depression is also associated with food allergies, limiting beliefs, stress, codependence, addiction, living alone, relationship breakdown and relationship problems. We can help you resolve each of these, by first finding your real issues.

Depression is the inability to construct a future
Rollo May

Depression is a reminder that something important is missing in your life and/or that you need to change some relationships.
Martyn Carruthers

Depression reduces the quality and sense of life, and often originates in the early family. Depression often starts as isolation, or in dependent, symbiotic or dysfunctional relationships. Relationship problems require relationship solutions (and drugs often seem to delay a search for solutions).

We find that depressed women are more likely to seek help, while depressed men of any age appear more likely to self-medicate with alcohol or nicotine, or obsessively distract themselves with television, pornography, internet surfing or gambling.

Does your life make sense? Can you enjoy ...

  • intimate partnership
  • strong supportive beliefs
  • a sense of connectedness
  • you know what is important
  • a sense of purpose or mission
  • healthy mind in a healthy body
  • your place within your community
  • caring for children or projects

You can prevent or remedy depression - or you can deal with its consequences. We help people build better relationships, plan their lives, exercise, enjoy sleep and benefit from healthy diets. People facing alcohol or drug addictions can also seek drug treatment and recovery programs.

Depression & Drugs

The sale of anti-depressants is a multi-billion dollar industry. Although the most common anti-depressants may be alcohol and nicotine, trying to manage depression with addictive prescription drugs may have consequences worse than depression. Many prescription anti-depressants are addictive with unpleasant side effects.

The more expensive anti-depressant drugs are SSRI - selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors such as Zoloft, Prozac or Paxil, which increase serotonin in the brain. Many older and cheaper anti-depressants include MAOI or MonoAmine Oxidase Inhibitors, with worse side effects.

Symptoms of Depression

People who feel depressed often describe unpleasant moods, thoughts and self-image. They may have difficulty making decisions - day-to-day tasks may seem overwhelming. Check these symptoms ...

  1. Preoccupied with death or suicide
  2. Insomnia and/or major sleep changes
  3. Appetite and/or major weight changes
  4. Decreased energy, fatigue - always tired
  5. Little interest in romance or sexual activity
  6. Feeling hopeless, helpless or pessimistic
  7. Feeling guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
  8. Loss of interest or pleasure in work or profession
  9. Little pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
  10. Sadness, anxiety, emptiness, restless and irritable

Depression, Disease & Guilt

Depression seems to be a normal response to unhealthy relationships. People at higher risk of depression include those suffering from codependence or mental illness. Common issues underlying depression seem to be guilt and shame, especially if you:

  • abused, traumatized or hurt someone
  • were abused by someone but you blame yourself
  • blame yourself for some misfortune to yourself or to others
  • betrayed or abandoned someone important (e.g. abandoning a child)

Withheld Guilt & Shame

People who try to withhold emotions will sooner or later express them; either as body symptoms or as relationship drama. Depression often seems to result from withholding guilt and may reflect abuse, abandonment, betrayal, etc.

Depression may also follow parental alienation or emotional incest. Do you allow yourself to be happier than your parents? (Did your family have family secrets).

You asked if it was OK for me to be happier than my mother.
I realized that whenever I feel happy, I do stupid things to upset
my husband. Then I don't feel guilty about my mother's depression.

Guilt and shame can be experienced as depression, chronic relationship problems or nervous breakdown. Long-term solutions seem to require that people who have hurt others clarify and balance this hurt, and that they solve any relationship problems, see emotional maturity. (People facing alcoholism or drug addiction often seek rehab centers to gain sobriety and overcome these addictions.)

Many people seem to try to control guilt and depression with distractions (e.g. TV, sex, gambling, etc), medications (including nicotine, alcohol and caffeine) and dissociation (withdrawal, self-hypnosis and meditation). Such control is usually short-term.

Solutions for Depression: Wisdom & Integrity

Intelligent people may feel depressed if they cannot find solutions for problems or trends that less intelligent people do not notice. (Sensitive people may feel depressed by incidents that less sensitive people consider unimportant.)

Do you want to resolve emotional and relationship issues quickly?

Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright 2001-2018
by Martyn Carruthers. All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email