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Solutions for Dissociation and Depersonalization
Are you Emotionally Detached? Martyn Carruthers

Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

Dissociated, dissociation and detachment refer to an absence of feelings,
lost memories and to people with a diminished sense of personal identity.

Loss of self seems quite common. Many people tell us that they want to get rid of negative emotions or bad parts of themselves. But they may not enjoy the consequences. Then they tell us that they feel incomplete, hollow or dry ... and sometimes they say that they have no emotions or feel "out of their bodies".

All I want is to feel at home in my own body. I mostly feel empty.
My memories are like little movies of myself doing things, rather
than the view from my eyes. Parts of me that are always watching me.

y psychologist calls me "dissociated" but it just means no emotions.

While a complete loss of self can follow severe disappointments such as childhood abuse, major trauma or brain damage; many people dissociate to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions such as fear, loneliness, desperation or boredom!

What are Dissociation and Depersonalization?

Dissociation and depersonalization usually refer to interruptions of conscious functions ... a loss of connection with memories, feelings and a sense of self. This can lead to automatic thinking and robot-like behavior; and perhaps to obsessions, compulsions and cult-like behavior. Empty people trying to fulfill empty lives.

Some people dissociate to deal with abuse, trauma and stress. They try to distance themselves from experiences and emotions that they could not assimilate. Others dissociate as a result of prolonged discouragement of emotional expression, perhaps discouraged by parents, teachers and employers.

Have you fragmented yourself?
Have you split off or hidden parts yourself? Split-off parts
often show up as irrational emotions, self-sabotage or obsessions.

People who feel disconnected can be great emergency workers - they do not become emotionally involved. Some dissociated people become criminals for the same reason - others become police, prison guards or emergency workers ... until they burn out or until they turn to medication, alcohol or drugs.

It's like I have many minds, one inside one another!
It's like I'm forever standing behind my own shoulder.

Many therapies and New Age techniques advocate dissociation. It's not difficult. Have you been advised to clear your emotions, to bury your feelings, to destroy your ego, to abandon your intellect? But the long-term consequences of dissociation can be worse than feeling bored, irritated or frustrated!

> Since he came home from Iraq, my husband is not so much
> empty of emotion as devoid of humanity. Only his body is here.
> He is still an intelligent man - clever but empty.

Some people consider emotional dissociation to be a spiritual goal, especially people who seek magical ways to avoid problems. Spiritually motivated dissociation includes out of body experiences, astral travel and some meditation techniques.

> ... I felt detached from reality and from the people whom I loved
> with that came an absolute loss of self confidence and health,
> because the people whom I loved hurt me the most.
> They misunderstood my situation and humiliated me, and they
> said "it's just your thinking" ... but I felt dead inside ...

Emotional dissociation may be partial (part of me is missing) or near-total (I feel  hollow or empty). Such dissociated parts often retain unpleasant emotions. Some people talk about their inner child. (I find that many people have inner kindergartens and need inner babysitters - until they can help their parts grow up.)

People who often say, "I don't know" to questions about emotions may not want to know, as admitting to emotional issues can step towards taking responsibility for them. We may ask, "Do you want to know - is this not important for you?"

As we help people solve emotional problems, we also assist helping professionals to care for their own emotional health. Many helping professionals specialize in their own issues and need to untangle themselves from their clients!

Solutions for Dissociation & Dissociative Disorders

Do you avoid feeling anger, sadness, anxiety or guilt by dissociating? Dissociation offers short-term relief but can hinder solving problems, can impair your flexibility and limit your sense of life. How can dissociated people come home to their bodies?

Since our sessions my life has changed. I did the work, but you helped me get
off my sofa and start living again ... you helped me find my own way.

Have you replaced some of your qualities with unfeeling reactions, compulsive behavior and confusion? Do you sabotage yourself? A useful step is to make a list of what you can and cannot feel ... and what you want to feel ... and when.

I felt so empty. The only thing that gave me comfort was sleep. Nothing gave me
real pleasure anymore. I just wanted to cry. People thought I was going crazy ...
and then our wonderful sessions ... now I am coming back!

Extreme dissociation may be called nervous breakdown or emotional breakdown. Did you become frustrated, angry and anxious; and later dull; empty of anything except perhaps boredom or loneliness? Did you lose a rich sense of life and now only want to distract yourself? Some common signs are:

  1. You have few goals and feel little sense of life.
  2. Your mood or behavior swings between extremes.
  3. You feel few emotions - or chronic irrational emotions.
  4. You attempt to live someone else's life (real or fantasy).
  5. You experience obsessions, compulsions and limiting beliefs.
  6. You feel unpleasantly bonded to someone, yet you cannot leave.
  7. You cannot describe your own feelings or express your own values.

Following trauma, abuse, therapist damage or membership of cult-like organizations, people may lose access to some human qualities. Relationships often suffer first and  depression is common if your relationships don't make sense. Anti-depressants are poor substitutes for friendly relationships based on self-esteem.

Identity Loss: an inability to access emotions and qualities that are central to a sense of self and sense of life. This loss often follows abuse or relationship distress and manifests as chronic dissociation or the chronic expression of inappropriate emotions.

Many people show symptoms of identity loss. They may feel emotionless, often replacing a search for sense of life with a search for distractions (e.g. internet, cinema, drugs, etc).

Do you hide your anger, anxiety and disappointment and later have emotional explosions? Repeated dissociation may result in lasting identity loss; which may be followed by irrational or obsessive behavior as you try to feel human again.

Contact us if you want to solve emotional and relationship problems.

Online Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Systemic Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2009-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email