We offer help for
people with emotional and relationship problems, including divorce,
toxic family secrets and
parental fixations. Everybody needs help sometimes.
Solutions for Divorcing Parents
During separation and divorce, you or your partner may ignore
your children, or you may be tempted to use them to hurt or manipulate each
other (Parental Alienation and
Child Abuse); or you may treat your
children as bargaining tokens as you
divide assets. If you do, you may burden children with learning disabilities or
with emotional problems such as chronic anger
or chronic conflict.
Some couples say that they stay together only for the benefit
of the children. In our experience, this is usually a lie
- to hide emotional insecurity or financial concerns. If the couple announce
this lie to their family, or if they convince their children that the
children are the cause of their continuing unhappiness, one or more children
may respond with chronic depression or
Children need patience, wisdom and special care when their parents
separate. Many people ask their parents or relatives to look after
their children for a time, while they sort out their
finances and emotions.
Compare this report from California with your
hopes for your children's happiness ...
- 63% of youth suicides are from
- 85% of all youths in prison are
from fatherless homes
- 71% of all high school dropouts
are from fatherless homes
- 71% of teenage pregnancies are
to children of single parents
- 75% of children in
single-parent families will experience poverty
- 90% of all homeless and runaway
children are from fatherless homes
- 85% of all children with
behavior disorders are from fatherless homes
- 75% of all adolescents in
chemical abuse centers are from fatherless homes
Divorce and Children
Some parents have favorite or special children.
A father may favor his youngest daughter
Princess), while a mother may prefer her eldest son
During a marital separation or divorce, the most favored child may react more
than the other children - perhaps convinced that he or she
somehow initiated or caused the separation.
Emotional Incest .
Coaching . Coaching Children
Partners can clarify their values - what is important?
- and their emotions about partnership - especially the less
pleasant emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and guilt. We
can help each partner do this while mature and resourceful. If
they do not, the children will often take the parent's hidden
or repressed emotions upon themselves.
(If a couple owns a business, employees may be enmeshed into a
conflict of allegiance, and staff may feel and act like confused children. Our
corporate coaching can manage many staff infections.)
Our coaching can prevent or alleviate many toxic situations -
in these examples, employers and employees can often replace
parents and children.
- If a parent acts guilty, children may try to
express the parent's guilt
- If a parent acts like a failure, children
may respond with chronic fear
- If a parent acts resourceless, children may try to
grow up too quickly
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent is dead or absent, children
may respond with chronic sadness
- If a parent forces children to take sides,
children may respond with chronic conflict
Make every effort to help children communicate to both
parents - regardless of circumstances. Otherwise children can develop
emotional scars that they may carry for years. Hurt children will likely fight
against their parents' separation, attempt to sabotage their parents' new
partnerships, and may strive to leave their parents' homes.
Learning Disabilities .
. Parental Alienation
After you recover your strength to support your children - who
supports you to build new relationships? We can help you build relationships
based on strength rather than on weakness or dependence.
Do you want
single parent coaching
or child coaching?
Separation & Divorce Coaching
We usually require that both parents have individual coaching
to manage individual emotional problems, and then sessions together, to manage
partnership issues. We do not "take sides" - we coach both partners
understand, appreciate and accept each other's perspectives, motivations and
goals and to make informed decisions:
1. Respect the other parent
Following separation, parents may stop acting as a couple.
Their only mutual project may be to co-parent their
children. Talk to your children about your former partner - talk with
respect - and praise whatever can be praised, even if - or especially
if - the other parent is missing, alcoholic, dead, in prison, or hates you.
Each child is 50% of their other parent - and knows it. If you reject your
child's other parent - you reject half of your child!
2. Love your children
Your children may feel unloved and forgotten during separation
and divorce. Express love to them, regardless of whether they are
well behaved, polite, industrious, have tidy bedrooms or eat their broccoli.
(Most children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E)! Ask your children HOW they want to
spend their time and what increases their feelings of wellbeing and happiness.
3. Your children need both of you
Many children of divorce are forced to take sides
between Mom and Dad. Sometimes one parent may want a child to hate the other
Syndrome or PAS). Instead, repeatedly reassure your children that they do
not have to choose one parent as being in any way better than the other.
4. Do not blame children
Immature parents often blame their children for their
separation and divorce. If your children come to believe that they caused
your marriage to break up, they may feel enormous guilt. They may try to
keep you and your partner together - perhaps by acting-out, learning
disabilities or disease. Explain to your children, repeatedly, in
simple words, that your separation is your decision and not their
fault - and that they cannot bring Mom and Dad back together. See
5. Fight fair - Fight away from your children
Divorce is an intense time. Avoid fighting anywhere near
your children - or any children. Organize a time and place, away from the children,
that is convenient for both parents to discuss and resolve conflicts. If a
fight erupts, remember to STOP, TAKE TIME and RESCHEDULE your meeting.
6. Minimize change
Although divorce will create many changes for
your children, continuity is important. Make your children's environment
as familiar as possible, including their favorite things, photographs, toys,
blankets, etc. Create a home in each place that the children stay.
7. Encourage meetings
Discuss how your children can have maximum benefit and
happiness when they are with the other parent. Avoid asking children to
deliver messages, to spy or to obtain information from your ex-partner.
8. Get mature support
Divorce is a difficult time for everybody. Parents
need mature ADULT emotional support from family, friends, relationship
coaches, clergy, etc. Avoid asking your children to support or guide
you - or the other parent. Guide and support your children.
9. Talk about feelings
During stressful times your children may change their
behavior. Your children may misbehave, they may act much younger or they may
try to grow up quickly and act overly mature. Ask your children how they feel,
and what they think or imagine is going on. Help your children express THEIR
unpleasant feelings. Please don't complain to them about yours!
10. Remain mature
Avoid asking your children - even teenagers - for advice
about your partnership, about money, custody or court issues. Reassure
younger children that your decisions are for their best interest. Ask older
children for their thoughts and feelings about decisions - and tell them
that although final decisions will be made by their parents, their opinions
are very important.
We help partners separate peacefully ...
and we help new partners co-parent and merge blended families.
Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
All rights reserved