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We present interactive seminars and demonstration-rich
workshops on systemic family coaching, healing divorce,
toxic family secrets and relationship bonds. Email us if you might
be interested in a workshop in your area.
Help for Divorcing Parents
During separation and divorce, you and your partner may
ignore your children, or
you may be tempted to use them to hurt or manipulate each other (see
Parental Alienation and
Child Abuse); or
you may treat children as bargaining tokens as you divide your assets. If you
do, one or more of your children may be diagnosed with learning disabilities,
mental health problems or
with diseases.
Some couples stay together "only
for the benefit of the children". In our experience, this is usually a lie
- to hide emotional insecurity or financial concerns. If the couple
announce this lie to their family, or if they tell the children that the children are
the cause of their continuing unhappiness, one or more children may respond
with chronic depression or psychosomatic disease.
Some couples have favorite or special children.
Often a father favors the youngest daughter
(Daddy's Princess),
while a mother commonly prefers the eldest son
(Little Prince).
During a marital separation or divorce, the most favored child may react more
than the other children - often convinced that he or she
somehow initiated or caused the separation.
[
Emotional Incest
] [
Parent Alienation ] [
Parent
Coaching ] [ Mother-Daughter Problems
]
Each partner can first clarify their own emotions about partnership -
especially with anger, sadness, fear and guilt. Soulwork coaching can help each partner
do this while mature and resourceful. If they do not, the children will often take the
parent's hidden or repressed emotions upon themselves.
(If the couple owns a business, employees may be enmeshed into a
conflict of allegiance, and they may feel and act like confused children. Soulwork
corporate coaching can sort this out.)
Systemic family coaching helps prevent:
- If a parent acts resourceless, children may try to
"grow up" too quickly
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent acts like a failure, children may respond with
chronic fear
- If a parent is dead or absent, children may respond with
chronic sadness
- If a parent acts guilty, children may try to
express the parent's guilt
- If a parent blames them, children may "act out" to find
what is true
- If a parent forces children to take sides,
children may respond with deep conflict
Make every effort to help children communicate to both parents
- regardless of circumstances. Otherwise children can develop emotional
problems that they may carry for years.
[
Prevent
Learning Disabilities ] [
Adjustment Disorders ]
[ Parental Alienation ]
Soulwork Divorce Coaching
Soulwork couple coaching usually requires that both parents have
individual coaching sessions, and then one or two sessions together, to resolve
outstanding emotional issues. We do not "take sides" - we coach both
partners appreciate and accept each other's perspectives, motivations and
goals:
1. Respect the other parent
Following separation and divorce, parents may stop acting
as a couple. The ex-partners only mutual project may be to co-parent their
children. If you talk to your children about your former partner, talk with
respect - and praise whatever can be praised. Even if - or especially
if - the other parent is missing, alcoholic, dead, in prison, or hates you.
Each child is 50% of their other parent. If you reject your child's other
parent - you reject half of your child!
2. Love your children
Your children may feel unloved and forgotten during
separation and divorce. Express love to them, regardless of whether they are
well behaved, polite, industrious, have tidy bedrooms or eat their broccoli.
(Most children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E)! Ask your
children HOW they
want to spend their time and what increases their feelings of wellbeing and happiness.
3. Your children need both of you
Many children of divorce are forced to take sides between Mom and Dad.
Sometimes Mom may want a child to hate Dad (Parental Alienation
Syndrome
or PAS). Instead, repeatedly reassure your children that they do not have to choose one
parent as being in any way better than the other.
4. Do not blame your children
Immature parents may blame their children for their
separation and divorce. If your children come to believe that they caused your
marriage to break up,
they may feel enormous guilt. They may try to keep you and your partner together - perhaps by acting-out, learning disabilities or psychosomatic disease. Explain to
your children, repeatedly, in simple words, that your separation is your
decision and not their
fault - and that they cannot bring Mom and Dad back together.
5. Fight fair - away from your children
Divorce is an intense time for any family. Avoid fighting anywhere near
your children - or any children. Organize a time and place, away from the children,
that is convenient for both parents to discuss and resolve conflicts. If a
fight erupts, remember to STOP, TAKE TIME and RESCHEDULE your meeting.
6. Minimize change
Although your divorce will create many changes for your children,
continuity is important. Make your children's environment as familiar as possible,
including their favorite things, photographs, toys,
blankets, etc. Create a home in each place that the children stay.
7. Encourage meetings
Discuss how your children can have maximum benefit and happiness
when they are with the other parent. Avoid asking children to deliver
messages, to spy or to obtain information from your ex-partner.
8. Get mature support
Divorce is a difficult time for everybody. Parents
need mature ADULT emotional support from family, friends, relationship
coaches, clergy, etc.
Avoid asking your children to support or guide you - or the other parent.
Guide and support your children.
9. Talk about feelings
During stressful times your children may change their behavior.
Your children may misbehave, they may age-regress (act much younger) or they may
try to grow up quickly and act overly mature. Ask your
children how they feel, and what they think or imagine is going on. Help
your children express THEIR feelings. Don't complain about yours!
10. Remain mature
Avoid asking your children - even your adult children - for advice about
your partnership, about
money, custody or court issues. Reassure younger children that your decisions are
for their best interest. Ask older children for their thoughts and feelings
about decisions - and tell them that although final decisions are made by
parents, their opinions are important. Systemic coaching can help you.
11. Use your initiative, email:
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? Do you want to coach people to resolve emotional and relationship challenges?
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