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Are you entangled in difficult
relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma?
Do you suffer from your parents' drama or your partner's demands? Soulwork can
help you untangle your life.
Emotional Incest
Life and death; sickness and health; suffering and happiness are
relationship issues that reflect how members of human systems (such as
couples, families and teams) behave and communicate.
Emotional incest results when a parent loves a child as a replacement for
a partner. If you are affected by it - you can
benefit from our coaching or coach training. Free yourself - or your family suffers.
Emotional incest is cross-generational. It spans generations. There is no one
person to blame. It reflects chains of suffering going back into the family
history. If entangled people do not recognize the symptoms of emotional
incest, become
aware of their role in it, and end it - these chains of suffering will likely continue
into future generations. Your children may suffer, carrying your burden.
The symptoms of emotional incest center around
identity loss - lost access to human qualities
and emotions. Identity loss is also a common consequence of trauma, physical
incest, abuse and cult membership. A common symptom of identity loss is an
inability to define what you want. Other symptoms are:
- Relationship Bonds: You are
bonded to another person - you lose independence
- Identification: You "follow" a role model - you live someone
else's life
- Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you
live in endless conflict
- Lost Identity: You cannot express your "sense of self" - your life
has little meaning
Do you want alleviate the consequences of emotional incest? Do
you want to control...
Our relationship coaching can help you
recognize, resolve and prevent identity loss.
Can you enjoy Emotional Freedom?
We are all emotionally connected to people in the human systems to which we
belong. We can feel a special sharing, empathy, compassion for those people.
Family relationships reflect family history. Relationships at work reflect an
organization's history.
Entanglements are more complex - entangled people carry the burdens of
other people - living, missing or dead.
Entangled children may try to carry their parents' emotional baggage. Entangled
parents may try to partner their children. Entangled partners may cling to
fantasies and avoid responsibility.
If your parents were unhappy, you may forever strive to fulfill their
unfulfilled desires. You may be emotionally entangled -
and you may be diagnosed as having attachment disorders, personality disorders,
impotence & frigidity, sexual
dysfunction and/or depression.
If you try to carry the emotional
baggage of your family, you will fail. If you try to complete the unfinished business of
your parents or grandparents - you will fail. Instead you may retreat into
depression. Or you might distract yourself from your failure with
obsessions and addictions.
The first child often carries the heaviest emotional burden. First
pregnancies have a higher risk of abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth,
first children have a higher risk of crib death or fatal disease,
and first children more often suffer from chronic mental and physical diseases.
Soulwork can help you.
Parents who Sabotage Children
With the exception of abortion, few parents deliberately choose
to harm or kill their children. Most parents have good intentions - and often
strive to give their children what they lacked. Most parents feel enormous love
for their children, and wish to protect and support them to adult independence.
But something can go wrong. A lonely mother may use a son as an
object of her lonely love - and love the child in a way more appropriate for a
partner. An immature father may love his little girl - in ways more appropriate
for a wife. Does a parent love a child as a substitute for a partner?
Mistaken Identity & Transference
Mistaken identity is sometimes called transference.
Consider a mother who acts as if her son were her partner - or a father who loves
his daughter in ways that are appropriate for a wife. (A first son may be overly
loved by a lonely mother; and the youngest daughter may be adored by a lonely father). See
Mother-Son Bonds and Father-Daughter
Entanglements.
| ... when I read your articles, I
experience strong emotions ... you know too much about me. You
ring my bells. BJE, Vermont, USA |
Relationship Bonds & Manipulation
Bonding occurs in all human systems - team spirit,
corporate cultures or family traditions
are examples of relationship bonds. As a child, you bonded to your
family - and you still carry those bonds. Your relationship bonds may be wonderful ...
neutral ... or toxic. Toxic bonds can lead to stress
disorders and codependence.
If you are bonded to someone, and that relationship ends, you may transfer
relationship bonds from that person to someone else. For example, if you
transfer a bond to a parent onto a newly met person - you may immediately
feel close to this person. (Transference may be used by sales
people to build rapport to influence you - see NLP.)
Transference brings short-term pleasure at the cost of long-term happiness.
And when a transference loop fails - as it must, being a lie - one or both
people may
withdraw into distractions or depression.
| I am a clinical psychologist in New
Zealand and ... I am shocked by your articles. I
see the consequences of
emotional incest every working day ... Come and teach us kiwis.
PG, Auckland, NZ |
Emotional Incest: Entangled Relationships
Instead of supporting a fulfilling partnership, entanglements support
manipulation, emotional blackmail, symbiosis and codependence.
Sentences beginning “If you REALLY loved me you would…”
often indicate transferences, entanglements and manipulation.
We offer solutions for relationship behavior and diseases caused by
entanglements. We refer to the solutions as systemic,
because they apply to human systems - e.g. families, teams and organizations.
We regularly resolve family entanglements.
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? We can train you to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve
emotional, educational and relationship challenges to
find emotional maturity, freedom and independence.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
1996 - 2005 All rights reserved.
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