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Emotional Intelligence & Emotional Maturity
Youth Fades; Immaturity Lingers Martyn Carruthers

Online Relationship Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

Do you want to untangle your life?

Your emotional intelligence, together with your intellectual intelligence and relationship intelligence, comprise essential parts of your life. How would you assess your maturity?

Your every relationship is a hologram of your life. You can mask but not hide your self-awareness, your maturity, your self-control, your commitment and your integrity. In every relationship you show how well you listen, communicate, initiate change, follow through and solve problems. In every moment in every relationship you proclaim your maturity.

Emotional Age

Some people seem to be mature at work and socially inept at home, or vice versa. We use emotional age to describe social abilities. We compare this with the chronological age of average normal people in various contexts.

Relationships expose Maturity

In every relationship, you expose your maturity, your communication skills, your commitment and your integrity. You cannot conceal your maturity - or your lack of it. Your maturity and immaturity are products of physical age, training and trauma.

Your maturity reflects your ability to manage your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to influence their behavior. Your emotional intelligence and maturity seem to be profoundly influenced by your relationship history and your trauma history.

What are Emotions?

Western psychology has given rise to many misconceptions about emotions, the most popular being that some emotions are negative. Also, psychological definitions of emotions seem devoid of the humanity of those people who value their emotions.


An emotion is a patterned bodily reaction of either protection, destruction, reproduction, deprivation, incorporation, rejection, exploration or orientation, or some combination of these, which is brought about by a stimulus. (Feelings & Emotions 1970)

Other definitions focus on the experience of being human.


Emotions are sensory experiences that communicate across relationship systems. They can be distorted or dissociated according to values and beliefs. Emotions provide motivation and inspiration to withdraw ... or to excel (Systemic Coach manual)

Some people dissociate their emotions. They may be perfectionist or compulsively preoccupied with details. These are characteristics of people in professions which require individual performance more than teamwork, such as economics, law, medicine and science. Their emotional and relationship habits may only allow long-term relationships with people like themselves.

Are you Emotionally Mature?

A checklist for your emotional intelligence:

  1. Can you cope with change?
  2. Can you talk about emotions?
  3. Do you call some emotions negative?
  4. Do you express your feelings appropriately?
  5. Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
  6. Do you manage strong emotions and impulses?
  7. Do you act intelligently when you are under stress?

Any "No" may indicate part of your life where you may be emotionally immature. If stress becomes high enough to cause you to age-regress (whatever the cause), you may feel and act childishly for a time, before recovering balance and sobriety. During this time, your behavior is likely to be immature. We help people manage strong or unpleasant emotions (without drugs).

Emotional Intelligence & Relationships

You display your maturity in every relationship. Do you:

  1. build and maintain friendships?
  2. teamwork toward shared goals?
  3. cooperate with your community?
  4. clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
  5. inspire your family and lead other people?
  6. share responsibility for children and projects?
  7. provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
  8. communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)

We help people develop their maturity by clarifying complex or difficult relationships and resolving the causes of conflicts and emotional problems.

Youth Fades ... Immaturity Lingers

Some people need help with their childish emotions,
immature behavior and impulsive decisions.

1. Are you Self-Centered?
Are you are egocentric and selfish? Are you preoccupied with your own ideas, feelings and symptoms. Do you believe that you are somehow special? Do you demand constant attention, respect and sympathy?

2. Can you control yourself?
Do you express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods? Are you easily frustrated? Do you over-react to criticism?

3. Do you seek immediate gratification?
Do you want everything now? Is your behavior seen as superficial, thoughtless and impulsive? Does your loyalty lasts only as long as someone is useful?

4. Are you dependent?
Are you indecisive or easily influenced? Do you avoid responsibility for your actions. Do you stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change?

Contact us to change such behaviors

Emotional Intelligence & Communication

Does your intelligence change when you feel strong emotions? Do you, for example, find yourself behaving like a young child if you feel abandoned, or like a teenager if you feel betrayed? Left unresolved, the consequences of suppressing or dissociating emotions may include unpleasant symptoms such as hypertension, colitis, ulcers and chronic fatigue.

Trustworthiness is an essential part of maturity. If people do not trust you, you may find yourself justifying every detail of every decision. Be cautious about who you trust with important, confidential or personal information.

How old do you act when you feel strong anger, sadness or fear? How far do you age-regress? What do you do after you express strong emotions? Do you:

  • Express emotions without conscious control (like a young child)?
  • Suppress or hide your emotionally driven behavior (like a pre-teen)?
  • Repress or dissociate your emotional experience (like a teenager)?
  • Accept, acknowledge and express your emotions (like a mature adult)?

Contact us to manage unpleasant emotions and solve relationship problems

Online Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2002-2015 All rights reserved.

If you find our work useful, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

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Solve Emotional & Relationship Issues

Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your bonds, fixations and enmeshments
What do you want? Know your life goals and how you sabotage yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Develop your resources with interactive metaphors
Do your emotions block you? Manage relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change your limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity loss to recover your lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents can better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and top teams can develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling, therapy & training

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2015 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.