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Are you Growing Up or Growing Old?

Emotional Maturity 2

Your relationships can only be as fulfilling as your maturity Are you becoming wiser and more mature each year? Or are you reliving your youth ... or even your childhood? If you have an adult body and a child's emotional maturity, you can, and often will, create chaos.

Your relationships reflect your maturity. If you want to improve your relationships and the quality of your life, first consider if you have really grown up.

  1. Your age indicates how many years your body has been alive.
  2. Your intellectual quotient (IQ) compares your intelligence to your age.
  3. Your social maturity compares your social development to your age.
  4. Your emotional maturity compares your emotional maturity to your age.

You may have little control over your chronological age and IQ; however you can develop your social and emotional maturity. Emotional maturity is difficult for children and for those who habitually excuse themselves, justify mistakes and blame others. You can improve your social skills and emotionally maturity with Soulwork systemic coaching.

How old are you emotionally?

Compare your behavior to emotional immaturity and emotional maturity. If you find yourself more on the immaturity side, you can use systemic coaching to help you evolve. If you find yourself on the maturity side, consider becoming a Soulwork coach. Balance and maturity go hand in hand.

Immature people may demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They may seem thoughtless and impulsive. They may be loyal only while you are useful. They have chaotic social and financial lives.

  Emotional Immaturity Emotional Maturity
Love Love is need. Demands affection and love but avoids any sign of "weakness" and has difficulty showing and accepting love. Love is sharing. Fosters a sense of security which allows vulnerability and sharing. Can express love and accept expressions of love.
Emotions Cannot handle frustration or criticism; jealous, unwilling to forgive, fluctuating moods. Temper tantrums. Fears change. Use emotions as energy sources. When they feel frustrated, they seek solutions.
Reality Avoids and denies bills and relationship problems which demand integrity. Seeks people to blame. Confronts and analyzes problems promptly. Seeks solutions and chooses the best.
Give & Take May be willing to give, but not take; or willing to take, but not give. Gives money, time, or effort to enhance the quality of life of loved people. Allows others to give to them.
Feedback Does not learn from experience. Good or bad experiences are caused by luck, or fate. Little personal responsibility. Life is a learning experience. They accept responsibility and learns from feedback. Looks for opportunities. Moves on.
Stress Avoids reality, pessimistic, angry, attacks people when frustrated. Often anxious. Relaxed and confident in their ability to get what they want.
Relating Dependent, easily influenced, indecisive, or snap judgments. Is not responsible for own actions or deficiencies. Hyper-sensitive to criticism but insensitive to others' feelings. Independent or a team-worker as required; cooperative. Can experience true empathy, required for successful relationships.

Immature adults are not children not teenagers. They are often self-centered and selfish adults. They may have little regard for others. They may be preoccupied with their own feelings and symptoms. They may demand your constant attention, sympathy and compliments. They may avoid participation if they can't have their own way or be the best. They may be obsessed with impressing people.

Teenagers & Emotional Maturity

Teenage years can be difficult. Teens may feel overwhelmed by their emotional and physical changes. Many teens face pressures from friends, teachers, parents and relatives. They may want to comply, they may want to impress - and they may want to rebel ... simultaneously. They may be confused.

Demanding that teens act like mature adults is premature. They need a safe space to explore. Teenage years are a time of transition. Many teens struggle with their dependence while wanting  independence. They may experiment with clothing, behaviors, ideas and values ... as they try to define their identity and life goals. Systemic coaching can accelerate the formation of identity and life goals.

How can you help Teenagers?

Communicate your values, expectations and limits. Teens decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how parents react to them. Perhaps insist on honesty, self-control and respect, while allowing teenagers their own space. Communicating love is your single most important action.

Avoid focusing only on problems. Avoid complaining and criticism. Praise appropriate behavior. Give teens positive, caring feedback. Consider getting systemic coaching for yourself and your teen.

Warning Signs

Teenagers, especially those with family problems, may risk harmful behavior. Some warning signs of teen problems are:

  • Restless
  • Weight gain or loss
  • Drop in marks or grades
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Melancholy or sadness
  • Not caring about people or things
  • Obsession with morbid (blood & guts)
  • Fatigue, low energy, little motivation
  • Low sense of self-worth
  • Trouble sleeping or waking up

Don't just hope that problems will go away. Talk to the teen and listen carefully. It is easier to cope with problems when they are small. You and your teen can learn how to work through problems together. Strive to be a role model for mature behavior. If you need help, consider Soulwork systemic coaching.

Practical Emotionally Maturity

Search for a meaning in life that gives you a perspective of humanity, not mere self-interest. It should provide goals for you to strive for. Build a character that gives inner strength and makes life meaningful. If you enhance and enrich, not only your life, but the lives of others, you'll find a deep satisfaction that is available only to the emotionally mature.

Learn to understand and accept yourself. Ask significant people to provide candid feedback about your behavior. Try to see yourself as others see you. Avoid being defensive, face reality and deal with it.

Practice being unselfish. Notice how it feels and how others respond. Compare the difference with how others react to your selfishness. Which reaction do you prefer?

Cooperate to find "win-win" solutions to conflicts. Avoid dominating others. If a solution to a problem isn't good for both of you, it won't be good for your relationship.

Evaluate your friends and social contacts. Avoid people and situations which bring out your worst. Instead, expose yourself to people and situations which bring out your best. Your willingness to accept responsibility is a basis for your self-respect.

Systemic Coaching can help you enjoy a sense of life that is only available to the emotionally mature.

Emotional Maturity . Soul Mentorship . Emotional Intelligence

Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2005. All rights reserved




Training Centers & Programs
We offer systemic coach training to helping professionals
and to people who want healthy relationships and happy families.

Good Questions

Good Answers

Good Training

1. Where are you now in your life? Assess fixations, bonds and enmeshments Systems 1
2. What do you want?  Define life goals ... and blocks to success Systems 2
3. How can you reach your goals?  Use conscious and unconscious resources Systems 3
4. Do your emotions limit you?  Dissolve abuse, trauma and mentor damage Systems 4
5. Do your beliefs block you? Change limiting beliefs to end dependence Systems 5
6. Does inner emptiness limit you? Resolve identity loss to recover qualities and skills Systems 6
7. Do you want happy partnership? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully) Systems 7
8. Do you want healthy children? Coach parents to resolve family problems Systems 8
9. Do you want team success? Coach team leaders and top teams ... together Systems 9
10. Do you want community? Coach community leaders and communities Systems 10
**   Do you have unusual goals? Specialty coaching & training for unusual goals Specialty

What is Hawaiian Shamanism?

One root of our systemic magic Huna 1-6

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2011 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks, improve relationships and achieve goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... ask for permission to post, publish or teach this work.