TRAINING  &  COACHING  for  MANAGERS & LEADERS

Case Histories

Relationship Entanglements - Part 2

Relationship Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training

[ From: Entanglement Part 1 ]

Systemic Coaching & Entanglements

When seeking a therapist, counselor or coach, do you seek a mature adult who has empathy, experience and expertise. Do you want someone who can help or inspire them to change their emotions, confusion or life. But coaches, counsellors and therapists are not created equal. Who can help you resolve your unique situation? And who may make it worse?

[ Codependence ] [ Emotional Incest ] [ Client Abuse by Therapists ]

Relationship Entanglements

Entanglements (enmeshments & complexes) refer to unpleasant blocks and habits that can cause chaos and suffering in your relationships. Relationship entanglements are associated with dysfunctional families, abandonment, betrayal and crime.

Dysfunctional Families

If you were a victim of sexual, physical or emotional abuse, neglect or abandonment. You may have been blamed for whatever happened in your family. As a result, you may feel basically unworthy, and criticize yourself for everything, including how other people behave.

Control

You may have lived with people that were out of control. You may be afraid to let other people be who they are. You may worry about ridiculous things or offer endless unwanted advice.

People may call you a know-it-all. They may call you a control freak if you try to influence them through helplessness or threats . Eventually they will express anger - and you may feel devastated.

Cleopatra - The Queen of Denial

You may ignore problems, or pretend they aren't happening, or pretend that your situation isn't as bad as it is. You may tell yourself things will get better soon, and distract yourself. You may feel confused, depressed or sick. You may try to control whatever provides any good feelings - even people.

If you don't love - or even like - yourself and if you believe other people can't or don't love you, you may desperately seek love and approval from people cannot express love.

You may allow or even invite people hurt and humiliate you, perhaps in similar ways that your parents hurt you. You may not trust yourself, your feelings, your decisions or other people. And you may trust untrustworthy people. You may oscillate between being passive and aggressive.

You may feel confused about your problems, but you avoid solving them. You may hide, lie about and protect your problems. You may pray for your problems to go away and you may seek someone who can "magic" away your problems. But it's not that easy.

Entangled Behavior

Many entangled behaviors accompany Identity Loss. If important "parts" of you are missing, hidden or distorted, you may act in robot-like ways. Soulwork Systemic Coaching can help you dissolve entanglements, and recover these pieces of yourself, if you're sick of suffering.

1. Guilt

2. Conflicts

3. Identity Loss

4. Relationship Bonds

5. Trauma

6. Toxic Mentorship

Out of these, dealing with Identity Loss is often critical. Identity Loss can be divided into:

• Identity Bonds - your behavior is bonded by fear of loss
• Identification - you identify with another person
• Identity Conflict - you identify with two or more other people
• Lost Identity - you lose contact with your sense of self
• Relationship Bonds - you replace your sense of self with limiting beliefs

In systemic diagnosis, Relationship Bonds refer to beliefs and emotions that bond you to other people. Identification refers to the unconscious acceptance of a dominant personality (think - "possessed"). Lost Identity refers to chronic dissociation and Identity Conflict refers to chronic bi-polar behavior or mood swings (think "split personality").

Identifications

Are you partially or totally identified? Do you feel normal, just and right when expressing emotions with behavior that other people call abnormal? Do you try to make sense of a senseless life?

Personality identification follows systemic rules...

• If you identified with a victim you express chronic anger or rage
• If you identified with a dead person you express chronic sadness or melancholy
• If you identified with a hero you express chronic anxiety or panic attacks

A victim identified person is generally suspicious and may enjoy annoying or tormenting people; a dead person identified person is generally melancholy and may be obsessed with death; and a hero identified person is generally anxious and may avoid change.

[ Identifications ] [ Consequences of Abortion ] [ Learning Disabilities ]

Identity Conflict

Many people act as if they have inner conflict. A person with identity conflict may feel normal, just and right, even when switching between two personalities. Deep conflict is how a person (usually as a child) makes sense of two powerful conflicting influences - usually conflicting parents.

• You cannot focus on one thing for more than a few minutes
• You shows profound mood swings between two personalities
• You may forget or deny promises or decisions made in the "other" personality

The symptoms are so common that you may not perceive them. Your mood swings may be called bi-polar disorder (manic-depression) or anxiety disorder. (See: Resolve Complex Conflict )

Lost Identity

•  You express few or no emotions and appear dissociated (very distracted)
•  You have little or no internal motivation
•  You are unable to define your own goals or outcomes
•  You may describes a large "empty space" in or close to your body

You probably know some people who are so preoccupied with their daydreams that they cannot make practical decisions. You may hear someone say "I have a hole where my heart used to be". (See: Recover Lost Resources)

Relationship Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training

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