Systemic Coaching & Entanglements
When seeking a therapist,
counselor or coach, do you seek a mature adult who has empathy, experience and expertise.
Do you want someone who can help or inspire them
to change their emotions, confusion or life. But coaches, counsellors
and therapists are not created equal. Who can help you resolve your
unique situation? And who may make it worse?
[ Codependence
. Emotional Incest .
Client Abuse by Therapists ]
Relationship Entanglements
Entanglements (enmeshments
& complexes) refer to unpleasant blocks and habits that
can cause chaos and suffering in your relationships. Relationship entanglements are associated with dysfunctional families,
abandonment, betrayal and crime.
Dysfunctional Families
If you were a victim of sexual, physical or emotional
abuse, neglect or abandonment. You may have been blamed for whatever happened in
your family. As a result, you may feel basically
unworthy, and criticize yourself for everything, including how other people behave.
Entangled Thinking
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- Do you blame and criticize yourself?
- Do you reject compliments or praise?
- Do you avoid buying things for yourself?
- Do you fear rejection?
- Do you feel like a victim?
- Do you feel you can't do anything right?
- Are you afraid of making mistakes?
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- Do you feel a lot of guilt?
- Do you feel ashamed of who you are?
- Do you think your life is not worth living?
- Do you try to help people live their lives?
- Do you feel good by helping others?
- Do you believe good things pass you by?
- Do you believe you deserve good things?
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Control
You may have lived with
people that were out of control.
You may be afraid to let other people be who
they are. You may worry about ridiculous things or offer
endless unwanted advice.
People may call you a know-it-all. They may call you
a control freak if you try to influence them through
helplessness or threats . Eventually
they will express anger - and you may feel devastated.
Cleopatra - The Queen of Denial
You may ignore problems, or pretend they aren't
happening, or pretend that your situation isn't as bad as it is. You may tell yourself things will
get better soon, and distract yourself. You may feel confused, depressed or sick. You
may try to control whatever provides any good feelings - even people.
If you don't love - or even like - yourself and if you believe other people can't or don't love you,
you may desperately seek love and approval from people cannot express love.
Entangled Love
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- Do you you worry people will leave you?
- Do you claim you can't look after yourself?
- Do you you stay in bad relationships?
- Do you try to prove you're good enough?
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- Do you check which people are good for you?
- Do you worry if people love you?
- Do you you accept abuse to keep people?
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You may allow or even invite people hurt and humiliate you, perhaps
in similar ways that your parents hurt you. You may not trust yourself, your feelings, your decisions
or other people. And you may trust untrustworthy people. You may
oscillate between being passive and aggressive.
You may feel confused about your problems, but you
avoid solving them. You may hide, lie about and protect your problems.
You may pray for your problems to go away
and you may seek someone who can "magic" away your problems.
But it's not that easy.
Entangled Behavior
Many entangled behaviors accompany
Identity Loss. If important "parts" of you are missing, hidden
or distorted, you may act in robot-like ways. Soulwork Systemic Coaching
can help you dissolve entanglements, and recover these
pieces of yourself, if you're sick of suffering.
-
Guilt
-
Conflicts
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Identity Loss
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Relationship Bonds
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Trauma
-
Toxic Mentorship
Out of these, dealing with Identity Loss is
often critical. Identity Loss can be divided into:
- Identity Bonds - your behavior is
bonded by fear of loss
- Identification - you identify with another
person
- Identity Conflict - you identify with two
or more other people
- Lost Identity - you lose contact with your
sense of self
- Relationship Bonds - you replace your
sense of self with limiting beliefs
In systemic diagnosis, Relationship Bonds refer to
beliefs and emotions that bond you to other people. Identification
refers to the unconscious acceptance of a dominant
personality (think - "possessed"). Lost Identity refers to chronic dissociation and Identity Conflict refers to chronic bi-polar behavior
or mood swings
(think "split personality").
Identifications
Are you partially or totally identified? Do you feel normal, just and right when expressing emotions
with behavior that other people call abnormal? Do you try to make sense of a
senseless life?
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Are you identified?
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If you are
identified, you may feel something or somebody in or around or close to
you that somehow directs your behavior. You may
feel a sense of protection - if you do certain things that others may
call senseless. Or you may feel possessed by an invading entity. You cannot
define life goals. |
Personality identification follows systemic rules...
- If you identified with a victim you express
chronic anger or rage
- If you identified with a dead person you express
chronic sadness or melancholy
- If you identified with a hero you express
chronic
anxiety
or panic attacks
A victim
identified person is generally suspicious and may enjoy annoying or tormenting people; a
dead person identified person is generally melancholy and may be obsessed
with death; and a hero identified person is generally
anxious and may avoid
change.
|
Reality Check |
You said that my
symptoms indicated that I might have
"identified" with a dead person ... yes, my dead grandpa felt totally "me" - he felt
more me than myself. AP, Skopje |
[
Identifications .
Consequences of Abortion .
Learning Disabilities ]
Identity Conflict
Many people act as if they have inner conflict. A
person with identity conflict may feel normal, just and right, even when
switching between two personalities.
Deep conflict is how a person (usually as a child) makes sense of two
powerful conflicting influences - usually conflicting parents.
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Do you have Identity Conflict?
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If you have identity
conflict, you may feel that all life is conflict. You prefer to have six or
seven simultaneous tasks. If you make decisions or promises in one mood,
you may forget, deny or rescind those decisions or promises in another
mood. Every decision is complex. |
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You cannot focus on one thing for more than
a few minutes
-
You shows profound mood swings between
two personalities
-
You may forget or deny promises or decisions made in
the "other" personality
The symptoms are so common that you may not
perceive them. Your mood swings may be called bi-polar disorder
(manic-depression) or anxiety disorder. (See:
Resolve Complex Conflict )
Lost Identity
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Have you Lost Identity?
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If you have Lost
Identity, you may feel empty and devoid of emotion. Your work and
family life may feel empty or robotic. You have no real goals, but follow
directions of people whom you trust, or your "voice-like" thoughts. |
- You express few or no emotions and appear
dissociated (very distracted)
- You have little or no internal motivation
- You are unable to define your own goals or
outcomes
- You may describes a large "empty space" in
or close to your body
You probably
know some people who are so preoccupied with their daydreams that they
cannot make practical decisions. You may hear someone say "I have a hole
where my heart used to be". (See:
Recover Lost Resources)
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? We can train you who coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve emotional, educational and relationship challenges.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002, 2005 All rights
reserved. |
