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Emotional Issues
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Pain Control
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Interview with Martyn
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Relationship Solutions for Ex-Partners
Marriage & Partnership Breakup Martyn Carruthers

Untangle Your Life

We offer coaching, counseling and mentorship on partnerships
and other relationships.

Following partnership breakdown, how do you communicate with your ex-partner?

Truth or Consequences

Relationship decisions often have strong consequences. Whenever you start, change or end a relationship, whether with a friend or a colleague; with a partner or a team, the consequences may surprise you. Yet most relationship consequences are predictable.

If you have hurt someone, perhaps by abandoning, betraying or cheating that person, you may suffer a burden of guilt that can depress your future relationships ... and your life. The burden of guilt usually reflects the type of relationship, the closeness and the severity of damage that you have caused.

We coach people to behave with integrity, to act appropriately with respect and courtesy, to build peace and self-respect that empowers relationships and enhances life. We also help people change unpleasant entanglements and beliefs.

Although psychoactive drugs can help you temporarily avoid negative emotions, we can help you sort out the mess. You can learn to enjoy a sense of lasting pleasure.

It's not fair!

You started learning relationship skills in your early family. Perhaps your family were warm and loving, and you learned respect and dignity. Or perhaps you grew up in a home where criticism, victimization and demands were normal, or where happiness was viewed with suspicion.

Although your early family will still influence you today, your actions and reactions can be your own. Although you may be emotionally entangled with other family members, your decisions and the consequences of your decisions are forever yours.

Consequences rarely care how good were your intentions. And other people must deal with the consequences of your decisions, as you sort out your emotional inheritance.

Perhaps life is not fair - but if you are motivated to develop yourself and if you are responsible for your life, we can help you change your relationship habits.

Mind your Body - Embody your Mind

Research by developmental specialists indicates:

  1. Your emotional, physical and neurological development took place simultaneously in your childhood and adolescence, and are linked within your emotional intelligence. (You can change one by changing another.)
  2. Your "body-mind" organizes and synchronizes adaptive patterns in your nervous, immune, endocrine, sensory, neuropeptide, cognitive, and emotional systems. (You can change your life by changing your emotional intelligence.)
  3. Your senses (vision, hearing, balance, smell-taste, touch) filter your sensory information. (You can control stress by organizing your sensory information.)
  4. You store emotions as neuro-peptides in your nerve tissue. (You can activate your neural networks to access and change your emotions.)
  5. Your emotions are encoded in state-dependent learning. (You can review, update and integrate your emotional memories to match your present conditions.)
  6. Your emotions reflect your history, trauma and defense responses. (You can change no-longer-appropriate responses that you learned in childhood and adolescence.)
  7. Your emotional update will reflect your development from conception onwards. (You can utilize and change your subjective structure of time.)

We help people sort out emotions, family dynamics and interpersonal behavior to identify and change inappropriate childish reactions. You can increase your pleasure of life by stabilizing your emotions, changing behavior and dissolving the consequences of abuse and trauma.

Emotional Intelligence, Guilt & Depression

When your partnership ended, were you being honest and loving? Were you demonstrating with words and actions that your partner was a priority, that you cared for and wanted to be with him or her? If so - you probably know that you did your best. If not, you may feel guilty now for your lack of action.

If you feel that you have hurt an ex-partner, guilt is likely to depress your life until you manage it. If you feel that you were deliberately hurt by a partner, anger is likely to motivate some sort of revenge - and then you can feel depressed. Here are some common ways that people depress their lives:

  • Ignore important details or problems
  • Avoid completing your essential tasks
  • Do things that create relationship problems
  • Avoid balancing or keeping track of your finances
  • Procrastinate, even when know what you have to do
  • Alienate your family members and people who support you

We coach people to sort out depression and other emotional and relationship issues.

Emotional Intelligence & Maturity

You expose your emotional intelligence in every relationship. Your communication and social skills reflect your perception of yourself and of others. Your behavior produces ongoing feedback about your moods, thoughts, fantasies, beliefs, values and insights; and about your identity and purpose.

Hiding or suppressing emotions can trigger pain centers in the brain. Events that trigger strong emotions and psychosomatic symptoms can trigger your internal memories. Your emotions can create feelings of anxiety, threat, discomfort and even a sense of 'impending disaster'.

You can educate yourself to focus on pleasure instead of pain. You can experience pleasure as a feeling of "everything is okay" or "everything is possible" or "I am where I should be" etc.

Illusions of happiness (e.g. psychoactive drugs) are short-term and can result in stress or depression. Your long-term joyful subjective reality requires an experience of acceptance and acknowledgement that supports your appropriate actions and reactions within your objective reality. We can help you.

Contact us to untangle from your parents' lives and your ancestors' drama ...
and build your life based on emotional freedom - not on emotional bondage.

Online Systemic Coaching, Counseling & Training

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2003-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
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For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email