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Families can do what individuals cannot do, no
matter with how much time or resources. The primary function of most families is
to provide a safe place in which children can be nurtured to maturity. Family
relationships are about making rules, communicating rules and enforcing rules.
You are a member of many overlapping systems. You are a member
of your family of origin, your friends, your culture and your country. Each
system creates, communicates and enforces rules, some of which will contradict
the rules of another system. Systemic conflicts are inevitable. Systemic
coaching explores and changes the cause-effect relationships of these rules.
Virginia Satir introduced systemic family coaching (see "New
Peoplemaking). Satir showed how individuals respond to family dynamics. Her
systems theory showed that a system is more than the sum of its parts.
Challenges faced by a family are not the sum of the challenges of its members.
Systemic family coaching examines changes in rules, roles and tasks; and
explores disruptions such as divorce, illness, or death, as well as factors such
as culture and gender.
Soulwork 10 supports the progressive integration of
classroom and practice experiences.
Soulwork 10: Systemic Family Coaching
1. Expect complexity
Systemic coaching deals with complexity. It can be adapted to all human systems, and is
especially useful in predicting and maintaining the development of
organizations. Systemic assessment differs from, and can be integrated
with, individual assessment. Specific models and measures of systemic assessment,
including family assessment. Systemic coaching excels in resolving
systemic problems.
2. Perceive a family as a hierarchy of interrelated subsystems
Most families have subsystems of parents, in-laws and children
separated by often-unspoken rules about who does what with whom. A coaching goal
may be to strengthen boundaries between subsystems.
3. Examine the influence of each member of a system
A dysfunctional family member may control a family system. A
family often adapts itself to victim-like behavior with lies, denial, excuses
and justifications. A dysfunctional member generally means a destabilizing
family system. A parent may act like a child, or a child may attempt to parent the family.
4. Notice who protects the family
At the moment you ask questions, a family member may demand
attention, to protect the family's delicate balance.
If you see the family as a system rather than as isolated individuals,
you might praise the family for being so closely-connected.
5. Emphasize "these things cause each other"
rather than "this
causes that"
Parental stress may result in parent-child entanglements, with
coalitions against other family members (see
Parental Alienation). Example: when a
victim-identified Mom explodes with anger, and Dad and Daughter become closer.
Individual coaching could dissolve Mom's identification - ignoring the
coalition, while a systemic coaching would encourage Mom and Dad to work out
better ways to communicate.
6. Emphasize present process rather than past content
Many couples argues about how problems started; focus on
solutions. Although genetics and family stress play their parts; don't look for
causes so much as solutions. Perhaps provide couple coaching to improve parental
communication to dissolve arguments, nagging, etc.
7. Use negative feedback loops to promote
stability and positive feedback loops to promote change
When an addicted family member of the family stops drinking or
using, the family often subtly try to push him back to avoid destabilizing the
family system. Negative feedback loops may prevent this.
A fight may start in a family with a cool emotional
atmosphere. This escalates into an argument between the parents, but before it gets too hot, a child
calms everybody down. Positive feedback loops might make explosions unnecessary.
8. Use integrated feedback loops to provide a dynamic expression of wholeness
Emotional or verbal abuse can
escalate from criticism to beatings. Abuse leads to more abuse. Use systemic
coaching to help people manage their emotions and improve their relationships.
As their partnership improves, the parents can solve problems. Their affection
can deepen and their children can carry
the relationship blueprint into their own relationships.
9. Assume that people can and should take responsibility
for healing
People who grew up in refugee camps may want
growth and development as much as more "adjusted" people raised by loving parents. What
people choose to make of their original
conditions is more important than those conditions. Survivors who own their pain
can move on; others may become chronic victims.
10. "Provide first-order change to coach a family to
stabilize. Provide second-order changes to coach a family to a different level.
Families are likely to be symptomatic if key transitions like marriage, the birth of children, children going to school,
children moving away from home, changes of jobs, etc. coincide with emotional stress.
You can coach family members to use "I" statements and to listen
empathically. Coach people through family changes that alter the family
fundamentally, bringing it to a new structure.
Conclusion
Human systems seem to work best when subsystem boundaries are
clear (neither too open nor too closed), interactions are clear, lines of
authority are visible, rules are overt and flexible, changing alignments replace
rigid coalitions and stressors are confronted.
Members of human systems can be clear about what to expect
from one another. They speak openly and affectionately to one another and they
know who's in charge of what. They know and can talk about what is permitted and
what isn't and their roles and favorites are flexible and changing.
Soulwork 10 provides the essentials of conjoint
systemic family coaching. It builds on the individual coaching skills and
conjoint couple coaching to explore systems and individuals, family roles,
family rules, togetherness and separateness,
inter-generational entanglements and advanced family maps:
- how to understand a family
- how to assess a member's role in a family
- how families can both protect and destroy members
- how individual strengths and weaknesses are formed and
can change
- how you can coach a family to change
a) Systems Coaching: Useful Areas of Enquiry
1. Systemic Resources:
- What resources does an existing system have?
- What resources does an existing system need?
- Who has died / dissociated / left the system?
2. Systemic Dynamics:
- What enhances / distracts communication?
- How can members enjoy being together?
- Which members are victims / substitutes / identified?
3. Systemic Goals:
- Which goals benefit everybody?
- What increases / lowers harmony?
- How is loyalty and trust shown?
b) Systemic Diagnosis - Brief Overview
Systemic coaching usually starts with the expression of a goal
or complaint. This can be followed by three levels of diagnosis.
1. Discover what people want or want to change in the
system. Note the words and non-verbal analogues as each relationship is
discussed.
2. Ask people to briefly describe a human system to which they belong.
Note the imagined spatial locations of system members (or sub-systems such as
children or work-groups).
3. Ask people about emotional responses felt in their bodies
as they describe other system members. Note details of synesthesia to accelerate
subsequent coaching.
This rather basic systemic diagnosis can provide many clues about hidden systemic dynamics.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002 - 2005 All rights
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