Are you entangled with a parent?
Were you abused?
Are you ready to manage your fixations and enjoy emotional freedom?
Daddy's Princess - Part 1
I wrote this to describe and clarify some common family
habits and solutions.
Many people avoid talking about these fixations and their consequences.
feel strong emotions as you read this ... consider contacting us.
Patterns of Love or Patterns of Need
If lonely parents mold or groom children into substitutes for partners - confusion and
suffering will surely follow. Consider a family of a father, mother and daughter. If a father
loves a daughter as a substitute for a partner,
few daughters can resist such love. If a daughter feels that her mother does
not appreciate her father enough, a daughter may try to give her father the
love that her mother seems to withhold.
I felt abandoned by my
husband and betrayed by my daughter ... at first I was depressed.
Then I felt really angry, but the more I tried to win back my daughter's love,
the closer she and my husband became. Chicago
Such a mother may confront her husband and/or reject her daughter.
If she tries to hide her emotions and ignore it, she may become depressed or sick. She may
consider leaving. Although covert incest is common, she may be unable to recognize it.
My teenage daughter clings to my husband ... until age 12 she
was a tomboy,
but now she sort of
hovers around him ... and he enjoys this too much.
He says there's nothing wrong, but what can I do? Sydney
If the mother leaves or dies, an entangled father may seek another partner.
However, if a man is preoccupied with his daughter, a later partner will notice and respond.
The pattern will likely
repeat, especially if the new partner prefers immature men.
Later, the enmeshed daughter may only attract, and be attracted to, immature men. The family may
be unable to notice this unless the
daughter becomes pregnant, depressed, addicted or suicidal - and often not even
See Teenage Girl in Trouble.
Hidden in Plain Sight
'Daddy's Girls' often prefer relationships with immature men.
But immature men will likely prefer their daughters to their wives ... while immature
fixate on their own sons. These twin habits of codependence continue across generations.
Occasionally, emotional incest escalates to sexual incest. Father-daughter
sexual incest accounts for about one third of all cases of child
sexual abuse. We find that emotional incest is much more common,
although rarely reported. Many men show more love to their daughters more than to their wives.
Daughters lacking authentic fathers may construct imaginary fantasy
fathers, and bond to their fantasies. Later in life they may forever seek
substitutes for their fantasies, searching for a perfect man, with rather
sad but predictable consequences.
A daughter may be her Daddy's Princess ... but sooner
or later ...
every princess wants to be a queen.
My parents never took me seriously ... at 29 I was
still their little girl! ... After a few sessions with you my family
started treating me as an adult. Since then I began a
relationship with a man who treats me like a real woman - for the first time
ever. The last seven months have been wonderful and we plan to get married.
Princess in a Dark Tower
Entangled adult daughters may suffer conflict. They may want
to show Father: "YES - I'll be the special child-woman
that you need!" and at the same time: "NO - I will
not do this. I withdraw or rebel until you accept me as I am!"
As these daughters age, they often become moody and depressed. They
cannot enjoy healthy partnership. By their 30's they may unconsciously
sabotage their appearance (e.g. obesity, smell or skin conditions) to keep men away.
They may distract themselves, or immerse themselves in work. They may
leave home to live far away.
Children enmeshed by their parents often feel special.
Love is not enough - they want devotion. They may be angry
or depressed if
people fail to
appreciate how special they are.
When parents separate, a mother
may convince her daughter to be angry with her father, and
The daughter may avoid contact with her father until adolescence,
and later avoid partnership or seek a partner who is like her father.
She may seek immature older men (substitutes
for her father). She may withdraw
into a career, a religion or into a string of shallow romances. She may only be
attracted to married men or she may decide that she must be lesbian.
Her risk of
depression may increase as she approaches
her mid-thirties. Her life doesn't make sense.
If father-daughter bonding is sanctioned by her family and culture, a
daughter who attempts to escape may incur family and community
wrath. A combination of parental, family, community and religious
pressures can be extreme. Many women leave home forever - some by
suicide - rather than conform to such unhealthy conditions.
If a daughter rebels against an immature father, we see three
common possibilities. The daughter may take a passive helpless-child
role, an aggressive dominant-mother role, or a conflicted
Such daughters may rebel against their fathers, or
rebel against all men. They may avoid intimate relationships or only
attract immature men. They rarely understand why their relationships fail. Are
they adult-girls? Child-women? Mother’s rivals? Father's princesses? Who are
Mother-son codependence is normal in
southern Europe. My mother wished so much to be with my older brother,
and my father was angry and dissatisfied. I was sent each day to 'humor
father' after work - Mom told me what to do to please him. I said Yes and
No to Father, as you describe and followed the patterns that you describe.
I'm not sure that I'm not doing it still. My mother wanted
to be with my
brother, so, there was no betrayal, I think. Macedonia
Some of Daughter's Emotions
Women who have received their father's inappropriate love often express:
- A deep need to feel special
- Sadness about her lost childhood
- Anger about emotional pressure from men
- Fear of being rejected by men (can’t say “No!”)
- Fear of being controlled by men (can’t say “Yes!”)
Daughter's Relationship Cycle
Following covert emotional incest, many women follow similar patterns:
- She meets a man who has some qualities of her father
- She finds herself acting overly compliant or overly controlling
- The man becomes increasingly demanding and moody
- She may feel trapped and seek distractions or
- She may sabotage and end their partnership, and/or
- She may create an addict-helper codependent relationship, and/or
- She may create a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy
- She may tell her children "I only stay with your
father for you!"
My wife kept saying I was like her father. When I suggested
that we meet
you, she exploded ...
but since our couple counseling, we have changed ...
She rarely acts like a little
girl now - nor does she try to mother me.
is the woman of my dreams.
We can help you manage emotions and dissolve family
Princess - Part 1 . Teenage Girl in
Online Relationship Coaching, Counseling &
Email from a Teenage Girl (USA, age 18 - verbatim)
girls can love their fathers even
if they reject their mothers.. it doesnt matter . most parents love
their children more than their spouses , thats a very obvious
good thing. there is no such thing as incest. .. incest existed
many years ago. but thats differnt.
girls who have deep loving relationships with their fathers and
not with their mothers are in no danger . a father and daughter
who love eachother like crazy .. is what saves a child!!!
a girl has one parent. a father. the mother at the most grows to
be a friend.
emotional incest has no defination . its upto the
child. i know children who are madly inlvoe with their parents!!
daughters who simple lvoe their fathers and thse are the happiest
children. every family should be like that. it shouldnt
be boring. it should be exciting , it should have passion!!! why
some daughters kiss their fathers passionately on their lips!! a
friend kisses her dad like. she lieks scaring people. hehe. but if a child
doenst consider it to be emotional incest , then it is not.
a partner is just a legal way of having sex.. than getting
invloved with hookers and porno. but most parents are sooo
inlvoe with their children.. sex is boring. true love is more
than god. thats why parnents and childrne want to be inlove and
be happy together. if that is emotinal incet,. thank god for
it!! iam for it!! hhaha.
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