TRAINING  &  COACHING  for  MANAGERS & LEADERS

Case Histories

Dealing with Guilt & Entanglements

Systemic Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training

We present interactive and demonstration-rich workshops on systemic coaching, guilty entanglements, family secrets and relationship bonds. Email us if you are interested in a workshop in your area.

Are you guilty or not guilty?

Words like love, betrayal and guilt are difficult to define. For most people guilt refers to unpleasant feelings. A feeling of guilt may be connected to beliefs about injustice and to other disturbing feelings:

• You feel you are responsible for a person's pain or suffering
• You feel regret for real or imagined mistakes
• You feel remorse for egocentric, aggressive, critical communications
• You fear retribution for abusing or violating someone
• You feel confusion for not responding to a situation in your normal manner
• You feel sad about missed communications with someone who has died
• You feel frustrated when you see someone suffer that you cannot help

Under your emotional reactions may be a sense of justice that limits choice until the real or imagined injustice has been amended. This sense of justice seems to be stronger than sense of life or desire for happiness. Soulwork can help you resolve this.

If guilt is based on self-hatred or denying reality, then guilt may lead to depression rather than to improvement. We can help you end your guilt by dissolving relationship bonds and entanglements.

Guilt, Manipulation & Influence

Guilt is a common and powerful tool used to manipulate or influence people. Some people may manipulate you, and perhaps you influence others. If manipulated by guilt, you may believe:

• you are bad
• someone will suffer if you do not fulfill a demand
• you must fulfill demands, even if you do not want to
• you should feel bad for past, present or future actions
• you are at fault for inaction, and you should do anything to alleviate it
• you are responsible for all relationship problems
• you must perform tasks or duties that are not your responsibility
• you will suffer (jail, hospital, death, divorce, ...) if you do something

Avoid Guilt ... or Resolve Guilt?

Poor ways to avoid or control guilt are:

• distract yourself or overwork
• ignore your needs and desires
• become overly sensitive to other's needs and desires
• become perfectionist about your actions, words and decisions
• feel so anxious that you retreat to inactivity and silence
• avoid making decisions in case you are "wrong"
• ignore your wide spectrum of emotions and feelings

You can also use guilt as a barometer of your need to live your life based on rational thinking.

Guilt & Beliefs

We can help you change beliefs by which you may attempt to rationalize your feelings.

1. I do not deserve to be happy
2. It is my fault if others are not happy
3. I am responsible for my family's happiness
4. I am responsible for anything happens to my family
5. I must not be happy when people expect me to suffer
6. I must always be responsible, conscientious and caring

"I can't forgive myself"

Systemic coaching helps you check if your reasons for feeling guilty are valid. And then we help you resolve any hurtful decisions.

1. Responsibility. Was it really your responsibility or fault?
2. Motivation. If you harm someone, their suffering is a result of your actions.
3. Analysis. Remorse can be constructive if you learn from consequences
4. Forgive. You will make mistakes: if you don't make mistakes you are not normal
5. Reality. If you can overcome your feelings of guilt and shame

Guilt issues don't just go away. If you have hurt people, for example a parent, a partner or a child, your guilt can depress your life. It can trigger depression, lost "sense of life", psychosomatic disease and even suicide. Systemic coaching can help you ...

• ensure that you not repeat regretted actions
• balance your abuse, abandonment or betrayal in ways that ends guilt
• change your behavior by changing your communication or focus
• remedy any damage or consequences
• forgive yourself ... and forgive others

Systemic Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training