Emotional incest between fathers and daughters is also common - see
Daddy's Little Princess. Toxic parenting is also described at
Prevent Learning Disabilities and
Parental Alienation.
For more on family entanglements see
Emotional Incest.
|
My boyfriend of 8 years is a 42 year old child. All I hear is
that he doesn't want to disappoint his mother. Until recently he lived with his
parents. He never does chores around the house. He is just there. He telephones
his mother all the time. He phones her when he leaves, when he arrives and in
between. He can't make a commitment. He comes and goes as he pleases. He lives
with me or goes home. He gets upset if I treat him like an adult. KT
North Carolina |
The Little Prince
In a strange, faraway country, each boy believes that his mother is a
virgin, and each mother believes that her son is God.
Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While
pregnant, Mother likely enjoyed her femininity and the
attention of her family. When Baby is born, attention often shifts from Mother to
Baby. Mother may feel abandoned, perhaps showing
postpartum depression. Many mothers regain family attention, approval and respect, by becoming a Super-Mom.
The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, particularly if he
depends upon his wife to provide meaning for his life. He
may feel that a a boy baby is a rival.
He may
withdraw from his wife’s requests for intimacy, support or responsibility.
He may become depressed and/or have intimate
affairs.
A Super-Mom sees her Son as
special. Mother may dream that Son will make a special
contribution to the world that Mother cannot or will not make. Mother's
expectations help balance her emptiness. For Mother to feel special, Son has to be
very special - or risk losing Mother's love.
Mother may sacrifice her life for her Son. (Such sacrifice is expected in
many cultures. The family may applaud this holiness, and call
Mother a saint). Son may
attack anybody who does not recognize
Mother's saintliness - including his Father.
Together Mother and Son may form an emotionally codependent couple.
A threat for codependent partners is that
one partner find independent happiness by growing up ...
|
My ex-boyfriend is 48 yrs old and he
husbands his mother. He never married and had few relationships with women.
He lives with his mom and has
not worked for 15 yrs. He cannot show affection and says he has
castration anxiety. He is passive aggressive
and a recluse. His only friend is on the computer. His father left
them when he was 2 yrs old. I am not his friend anymore - I will not stand for
emotional neglect or abuse. He is an angry man. It seems that parts of him
are missing. He cannot connect emotionally. I knew something was very wrong.
I had to leave him for my own sanity.
Soulwork got me over all this. MD, Philadelphia |
Freud, Oedipus and the Little Prince
If a lonely Mother sees her son as special, Mother
can renew her sense of life. Mother rewards Son for his specialness, and Son
rewards Mother by becoming special. Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop
adult interests and obsessions; perhaps fulfilling
an immature Father’s fantasies of "My Son is my rival".
A Son striving to fulfill Mother's wishes may
become Mother's emotional partner.
|
Freud wrote that every boy has an Oedipus Complex that
affects his life. He claimed that every boy represses his
sexual desire for his mother and his jealousy toward his father. Freud wrote
that a boy with an Oedipus Complex experiences emotional
conflicts. This may be Freud's autobiography, or a facet of
Central European culture at Freud's time. We only find these conflicts
in families where mothers
are confused between Sons and Lovers. |
Consequences for Mother-Bonded Sons
If people do not appreciate
Son’s specialness, Son may attack (become a bully) or retreat
(become a nerd). Son fears not
being special enough and dreads Mother's rejection.
Son may become a model good boy to please Mother - or he may
rebel against Mother to please Father
- perhaps becoming delinquent. If he swings between these extremes - he may be
diagnosed with
bipolar disorder.
The consequences of
emotional incest include
addictions,
schizophrenia
and suicide.
The consequences also include intellectual
men who cannot maintain a happy partnership, and holy men who
reject partnership to search for (spiritual) Fatherhood or oblivion.
The consequences also include the burned-out shells of real boys who gave up
- and lost themselves to mediocrity or drugs.
|
Soulwork offers effective solutions for
emotional incest, but to stop being special may be too high a price for a normal life.
Codependent adults often perceive normal people as boring. |
The more Mother needs a special child-man - the less space for a real boy.
During adolescence, as normal young men prepare
for partnership and parenthood, a Little Prince may be unable to
consider a committed adult relationship. (Mother-bonded sons may delay
adolescence - sometimes by decades.) Soulwork can help people dissolve toxic
beliefs such as ...
- Super-Bonded: "YES - I will be the special child-man that
Mother needs!"
- Lost Identity: "NO - I will withdraw, dissociate or run away!"
- Identification: "I cannot be me - I identify with another family member!"
- Simple Conflict: "Sometimes I withdraw -
sometimes I am Mother's child-man!"
- Identity Conflict: “Sometimes I am Father and sometimes
I am Son!”
- Relationship Bonds: "To remain alive and relatively sane I must
believe that ..."
What happens to Super-Mom?
|
- She may be called a family saint - venerated
for her sacrifice, especially by her son. After her death, her son may or may
not find emotional freedom.
- If her son finds a partner, she may suffer a crisis of rejection and
/ or
try to sabotage his partnership.
- If her son leaves, she may emotionally adopt
a younger man (perhaps as a lover) and/or withdraw into depression.
- She may blame her parents, neighbors and helping professionals for her
problems
- Soulwork systemic coaching can help women dissolve
relationship bonds
and gain independent happiness and their own sense of life.
|
See: Sexual Solutions,
Relationship Bonds and
Sexual Abuse.
| ... sincere thanks
for Soulwork ... I found validation and understanding for my and my
husband's roles in our marital problems. My husband uses anger when he cannot
avoid responsibility. I recently had health problems and asked my
husband for help. MAJOR fighting began. My husband cannot accept
any role for me that was NOT Mother and martyrs himself as an "abused
son". You offer hope that I can again live, love
and laugh. THANK YOU. VM Georgia, 2003 |
