If a lonely Mother sees her son as a special human being,
Mother rewards Son for his specialness, and Son rewards
Mother by being special. Son may retreat into fantasy. Instead
of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult interests and obsessions.
A Little Prince Grows Up
A lonely Mother may love her Son in ways that are more appropriate
for a partner. Such Mothers and Sons may share intimacies or plan family
activities together. Few sons can resist a lonely Mother.
| My parents divorced when I
was eight and I stayed with my mother. When I was 13, my mother came into my
bedroom and got into bed with me. She stroked my body ... I knew it was
wrong - but I couldn't move. It kept happening until I
threatened to tell my father ... Now I am 32 and I cannot hardly stand the
touch of a woman - any woman. Memphis, Tennessee |
Consequences include chaos. A displaced Father may seek affairs, act
childishly, or contract some mysterious disease. Mother and Son may together
care for Father, as if Father was their difficult child. Son feels that he is
somehow special. Later, a codependent Son may find that devotion by an
immature woman is the only love he can accept. Any other behavior cannot be love.
| My son is
35 years old. His father left me when my son was 6. Although he was a brilliant student,
he has no ambition. He has no interest in anything except my cooking. I bought him
an apartment - and I cannot make him move into it. He says that I need a man around
the house, but if a male friend visits me - he is upset for days.
Sydney, Australia |
If Father lives at home,
the parents' partnership may worsen as Mother and Son become even closer. Son may blame
himself for Mother’s emptiness and for Father's withdrawal.
As Son passes adolescence, Son may want to explore
relationships, but is bonded to Mother. Son may
act shy and nervous - or he may become a womanizer and hurt many
girls. Is he an adult-boy? Is he a child-man? Is he
Mother’s partner? Is he Father's rival? How can his life make sense?
Mother-Bonding
A mother-bonded man cannot maintain happy long-term partnerships with
women. Instead,
a man often flares out in his early twenties, and spends his life as a
might-have-been, perhaps blaming all women for his problems.
Unless the entanglement is resolved, common habits of mother-bonded men are:
- Where is Mother?: Can only relate to women who mother
him
- Macho / Womanizer: Avoids partnership with a series of
girlfriends and affairs
- Introvert: Avoids partnership by withdrawal, may
not leave parental home
- Priest / Monk: Avoids partnership by abstinence while searching for Father
- Gay / Bisexual: Avoids partnership with women and prefers
relationships with men
- Professor / Firework: Intellectual brilliance followed by
adult dysfunction
Men who are bonded to their mothers often believe that they are special and that they need
not change. They may become furiously defensive if confronted with evidence of
their mother-bonded behavior.
|
Feedback |
I've fought my mother's dependence since
being a teenager. I was my high school valedictorian, got a B.S.
degree, but worked most of my life as a postal clerk. AB,
California, USA |
Little Prince’s Emotions
- He feels ecstatic if a woman recognizes his specialness
- He feels loved if a woman devotes herself to him
- He feels guilt for betraying his father
- He feels guilt for abandoning his mother
Little Prince’s Relationships
- Son meets a woman who wants a partnership with a man
- She wants to know his feelings, but Son cannot discuss them
- She becomes demanding, sad and angry – just like his Mother
- They may create a stable addict-helper codependence, and / or
- They may create a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy
| My spouse had several addictions, such as alcohol and
smoking, which he overcame, and a sexual addiction, for which he is being treated.
Most of his problems are
connected to his mother. He is blindly loyal to her and always takes her side.
And whenever he hurts anyone, no
matter much hurt he caused, she blindly defends him. After reading
the Little Prince, I feel that my spouse has taken that role with his mother. When can I get Soulwork? MW, Ontario, July 2003
I cannot begin to understand how I found you, and how
we met, and our wonderful Soulwork sessions. I believe that God sent
you to our lives at the right moment. I can't thank you enough for your
help. I am still overwhelmed at the revelations of yesterday.
MW, Ontario, July 2003 |
Relationship Coaching provides solutions for people hurt by family
entanglements, attachment disorders and other complex intra-family, codependent,
relationship and systemic challenges. Soulwork helps people assess their
personal and family situations, clarify their relationships and recover lost
resources and qualities. We can help you find integrity and peaceful freedom as a
basis for your happy life.
Note: Relationship patterns are
associated with many diseases, both physical and mental. Soulwork coaching teaches people how to explore and change their underlying
relationship habits.
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Can you imagine learning how to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve emotional and relationship challenges.
© Martyn Carruthers, 1998 - 2005. All
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