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The Relationship Coaching Institute

Little Prince Grows Up

Mother-Son Fixation: Part 2

Advanced Systemic Solutions with Martyn Carruthers

We present seminars and demonstration-rich workshops on systemic coaching, emotional incest, resolving family chaos and relationship bonds. Email us if you are interested in organizing a workshop.

Do you know men like this?

  • they act like children ... or like tyrants ... or both
  • they forever try to appear special ... the best
  • they cannot maintain a happy partnership
  • they damage other people's relationships
  • they are narcissist - they demand attention or leave
  • they obsess about their mothers

These symptoms indicate a relationship pattern that creates endless suffering - for men and for women involved with them. We call such men mother-bonded.

Continued from: Little Prince (Part 1)

The story so far ...

If a lonely Mother sees her son as a special human being, Mother rewards Son for his specialness, and Son rewards Mother by being special. Son may retreat into fantasy. Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult interests and obsessions.

A Little Prince Grows Up

A lonely Mother may love her Son in ways that are more appropriate for a partner. Such Mothers and Sons may share intimacies or plan family activities together. Few sons can resist a lonely Mother.

My parents divorced when I was eight and I stayed with my mother. When I was 13, my mother came into my bedroom and got into bed with me. She stroked my body ... I knew it was wrong - but I couldn't move. It kept happening until I threatened to tell my father ... Now I am 32 and I cannot hardly stand the touch of a woman - any woman. Memphis, Tennessee

Consequences include chaos. A displaced Father may seek affairs, act childishly, or contract some mysterious disease. Mother and Son may together care for Father, as if Father was their difficult child. Son feels that he is somehow special. Later, a codependent Son may find that devotion by an immature woman is the only love he can accept. Any other behavior cannot be love.

My son is 35 years old. His father left me when my son was 6. Although he was a brilliant student, he has no ambition. He has no interest in anything except my cooking. I bought him an apartment - and I cannot make him move into it. He says that I need a man around the house, but if a male friend visits me - he is upset for days. Sydney, Australia

If Father lives at home, the parents' partnership may worsen as Mother and Son become even closer. Son may blame himself for Mother’s emptiness and for Father's withdrawal.

As Son passes adolescence, Son may want to explore relationships, but is bonded to Mother. Son may act shy and nervous - or he may become a womanizer and hurt many girls. Is he an adult-boy? Is he a child-man? Is he Mother’s partner? Is he Father's rival? How can his life make sense?

Mother-Bonding

A mother-bonded man cannot maintain happy long-term partnerships with women. Instead, a man often flares out in his early twenties, and spends his life as a might-have-been, perhaps blaming all women for his problems. Unless the entanglement is resolved, common habits of mother-bonded men are:
  • Where is Mother?: Can only relate to women who mother him
  • Macho / Womanizer: Avoids partnership with a series of girlfriends and affairs
  • Introvert: Avoids partnership by withdrawal, may not leave parental home
  • Priest / Monk: Avoids partnership by abstinence while searching for Father
  • Gay / Bisexual: Avoids partnership with women and prefers relationships with men
  • Professor / Firework: Intellectual brilliance followed by adult dysfunction

Men who are bonded to their mothers often believe that they are special and that they need not change. They may become furiously defensive if confronted with evidence of their mother-bonded behavior.

Feedback

I've fought my mother's dependence since being a teenager.  I was my high school valedictorian, got a B.S. degree, but worked most of my life as a postal clerk. AB, California, USA

Little Prince’s Emotions

  • He feels ecstatic if a woman recognizes his specialness
  • He feels loved if a woman devotes herself to him
  • He feels guilt for betraying his father
  • He feels guilt for abandoning his mother

Little Prince’s Relationships

  • Son meets a woman who wants a partnership with a man
  • She wants to know his feelings, but Son cannot discuss them
  • She becomes demanding, sad and angry – just like his Mother
  • They may create a stable addict-helper codependence, and / or
  • They may create a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy
My spouse had several addictions, such as alcohol and smoking, which he overcame, and a sexual addiction, for which he is being treated. Most of his problems are connected to his mother. He is blindly loyal to her and always takes her side. And whenever he hurts anyone, no matter much hurt he caused, she blindly defends him. After reading the Little Prince, I feel that my spouse has taken that role with his mother. When can I get Soulwork? MW, Ontario, July 2003

I cannot begin to understand how I found you, and how we met, and our wonderful Soulwork sessions. I believe that God sent you to our lives at the right moment. I can't thank you enough for your help. I am still overwhelmed at the revelations of yesterday. MW, Ontario, July 2003

Mother's Little Prince Part 3

Relationship Coaching provides solutions for people hurt by family entanglements, attachment disorders and other complex intra-family, codependent, relationship and systemic challenges. Soulwork helps people assess their personal and family situations, clarify their relationships and recover lost resources and qualities. We can help you find integrity and peaceful freedom as a basis for your happy life.

Note: Relationship patterns are associated with many diseases, both physical and mental. Soulwork coaching teaches people how to explore and change their underlying relationship habits.

Can you imagine having effective coaching, training or mentorship? Can you imagine learning how to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve emotional and relationship challenges.

© Martyn Carruthers, 1998 - 2005. All rights reserved.


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The Relationship Coaching Institute
 
 
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Workshop

Systemic Coach Training  (Calendar)

Systems 1 How to evaluate relationship dynamics and recognize common entanglements
Systems 2 How to define life goals, identify blocks, resolve objections & plan for success
Systems 3 How to provide or continue goalwork using interactive metaphors and Dreamwork
Systems 4 How to dissolve the consequences of abuse and trauma, and rebuild motivation
Systems 5 How to change limiting beliefs and codependence for emotional freedom
Systems 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systems 7 How to resolve therapist or spiritual damage and provide inspirational mentorship
Systems 8 How to coach partners to build lasting happiness and avoid partnership breakdown
Systems 9 How to coach parents to resolve family problems and to set and enjoy family goals
Systems 10 How to coach team leaders to develop teams while solving team problems
Specialty Advanced workshops and specialty training tailored to fulfill your goals and needs

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2009 All rights reserved. These Systemic Solutions were primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to succeed by solving emotional and relationship problems. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Link to our pages, but get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.

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