Do you want to rebuild a committed happy partnership?
Or do you want to end an unhappy partnership?
Or do you just want to make up your mind?
Are you having
an affair now? (See Part 1)
partner be having an affair? (See Signs of Affairs)
We both just wanted to be happy ...
Intimate affairs are a primary cause of separation, divorce and parental
alienation. Affairs often cause lasting suffering and damage for children.
Although affairs often represent a search for romantic love and happiness, they
rarely last more than a year.
The experience called romantic love may seem to replace any
need to develop mature partnership skills. However, when the
problems of daily life together causes lovers to evaluate and
confront their goals and responsibilities,
then they can create deeper bonds, stagnate, separate or have affairs ...
I had affairs because ...
my partner was too good to throw away,
but not bad enough to keep me happy! Canada
. Enjoying Partnership
. Consequences of Abortion
We both had affairs ... we
thought it was better to have four happy
people than two bored people! But we divorced anyway.
Who has Affairs? People like you!
Many people appear to have intimate affairs so as to
feel aligned with a parent or ancestor. Dissolving unhealthy bonds with your
parents or ancestors can greatly reduce the motivation to repeat their drama and suffering.
Almost anybody can have an affair if they decide to. Here
are some common justifications.
- Do you have opportunity and time?
- Do you yearn to fulfill a transference?
- Do you want to relive your younger years?
- Do you want to punish a partner or past partner?
- Do you have unmet physical desires or emotional obsessions?
- Do you want to diminish the intensity or intimacy
of your partnership?
Reasons for Intimate or Sexual Affairs
You may say that an affair merely fulfilled your needs, and helped
you avoid feeling lonely or bored. Your behavior may imply, "I
want to temporarily feel good regardless of the lasting consequences of
my choices on my partner or family - or on my affair-partner's family
- or on our future families".
We repeatedly find that people having extra-marital affairs
are entangled with their parents. If they cannot enjoy stable, committed
monogamy, they may justify their sexual or passive-aggressive motivations with: "I want ...
- excitement and adventure
- to rescue or help someone
- to seduce or to be seduced
- to avoid the reality of my aging
- to fulfill an impulse or compulsion
- to feel desirable or sexually potent
- new or unusual sexual experiences
- to enjoy love, intimacy, and companionship
- to defy my social, religious or parental rules
- to enjoy sensual pleasure and sexual release
Attacking, criticizing or defending these justifications will not improve
relationships nor manage partnership needs. We can help you change your entanglements and restore peace,
balance, respect and love in healthy relationships.
. Sexual Dysfunction
. Sexual Solutions
But we were so much in love ...
Romantic love may seem so wonderful that you do not consider other
people. However, sooner or later, you will be confronted by your
responsibilities, guilt and the reactions of your betrayed partner as well as
the consequences for any children.
Partnership . Consequences of Abortion
Affairs & Divorce
- Some people say that affairs help them stay
- but divorce is more frequent among people who have affairs.
- Women who have multiple affairs have the highest divorce rates.
- If a woman's male partner has a homosexual
affair with a man - there may seem no alternative to separation.
- If a man's female partner has a lesbian affair with a woman - some men
may not perceive this as betrayal.
Women may give sex to get
love and men may give love to get sex!
Affairs & Recovery
Although you may use complaints and excuses to justify your deception
and betrayal; our first
step to recovery is
relationship diagnosis. Have you:
- lost your "sense of self"
- identified with someone else (identification)
- experienced chronic conflict (complex
- obsessed about some person (entanglements)
- been unable to control your sexuality (emotional incest)
- experienced trauma and overwhelming emotions (trauma)
- followed toxic role models or suggestions
- avoided communicating your values and needs
- expressed toxic or resourceless "I am ..."
beliefs (relationship bonds)
- carried guilt or depression from previous relationships
Coaching after Affairs
The consequences of romantic affairs may
be delayed until an affair is over. We can help you manage
emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and guilt, and the behaviors
these emotions typically provoke. (This is not a complete list).
- Anger provokes Blame: Following exposure, the
partners may energetically and uselessly argue about topics such
as "Who really caused this?" or "Why
did you make me do it!"
- Sadness provokes Grief: The suffering of betrayal,
broken dreams and shattered love may be overwhelming to the betrayed
person. In extreme cases a suicide attempt follow a romantic affair.
- Fear provokes Denial: Many people who choose
sexual affairs will deny and lie about their actions if the truth
may bring immediate unpleasant consequences.
- Guilt provokes Depression: The betraying partner,
the betrayed partner and the "third person" carry burdens
of guilt, which may be immediate or delayed. Guilt can manifest
as anxiety, depression and psychosomatic symptoms.
The children of parents who had affairs may
carry emotional burdens.
A common example is that an adult child feels compelled to find
and marry someone who is like a parent's affair partner, or like a
parent's first love. Emotions can cross generations.
Following a partnership crisis, you may have to manage overwhelming emotions and childish reactions.
We can referee desperately needed discussions
and clarification with your partner. We offer:
- Individual coaching with both partners
to clarify negative emotions and relationship problems
- Couple coaching with both partners
to recognize and change transferences, make decisions
and plan their future - together or apart.
Healing after Affairs
solutions that attempt to fix and forget the surface symptoms of
affairs may not change your underlying fixations, conflicts and emotions.
We can help you heal your self-sabotage, improve your maturity and
manage your relationship challenges.
Help: Counseling and Relationship Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright
© Martyn Carruthers 2002-2018
All rights reserved.