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We present interactive workshops on systemic coaching, long-term happiness,
resolving family chaos and relationship bonds. Email us if you would like a workshop
in your area.
What is Love?
Love has many definitions and has more words
written about it than any other theme. The question "What is
love?" can fuel endless discussion and debate. Ask it and you will
likely hear: love is everything; love is nothing; love is God; love is
sacrifice; love is a feeling; love is a decision; love is blind;
love is manipulation; love is patriotism ...
So many answers - and all of them true.
"What is truth?" is equally difficult. If effectiveness measures
truth, I am not writing about truth but about effectiveness. The question,
"How can we express love - effectively?" may
bring us from abstract philosophies to specific human lives.
If a computer is programmed to say "I love you" - would you believe it?
If a computer that looks like a human is programmed to say "I love you" -
would you believe it? If a human is programmed like a computer to say "I
love you" - would you believe it?
What do you believe? Perhaps your answers will
surprise you!
- What would convince you that you are loved?
- How would you recognize loving communications?
- How would you respond to loving communications?
- What would convince you that you love another?
- How can you express your love?
- What would convince you that your love is accepted?
- How do your loved ones respond to your expressions of love?
- How do you check how your loved ones want to be loved?
- How would you describe your ability to love?
- How would you describe your ability to express love?
Motivation to love has many facets. Whether your motivation is biochemical,
social or spiritual, you are motivated to preserve your human body,
to create descendents, to give your descendents advantages and to protect
people you perceive as "family". We may call this motivation "love".
[
Stress Disorders . Divorce and Children
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Parent Alienation ]
Space for Love
What is the relationship between a person and a not-yet-met life partner?
Between a parent and an unborn child? Between an artist and a not-yet-created
masterpiece? Between a businessman and a yet-unrealized enterprise?
The absence of something important seems to motivate us to
seek or create our potential to express love. In these moments, "nothing"
motivates us to express love - we have a potential for happiness that we
wish to share in loving relationships.
To express love, we make "space" for
love. If we focus our energy on one thing - there may be no space for other
things, or at least no space without conflict.
Sometimes people confuse relationships - for example a child may perceive
a full-time baby-sitter as a substitute mother (especially if the
substitute expresses more love than the biological mother), or an adult may
imagine that a employer is like a father.
There are common examples of substitute relationships.
Perceiving bosses as parents; perceiving casual friends as life partners;
perceiving pets as children; perceiving a random crowd as a community;
perceiving a community as a substitute for "all-of-humanity".
If we feel that someone important is missing, and a "space" seems empty,
we may search for substitutes. If we lack children, we may semi-consciously perceive
partners, parents, things or projects as substitute children - and attempt to
express love to them as if to children.
It seems that we can motivate ourselves to express love to any entity
(e.g. a person, a family, a country,
a vehicle, a business, nature, science, ...) as if to a child, by literally
"making space" for loving that entity.
Relationship "substitutes" include perceiving a partner as a parent, a
parent as a child or a child as a partner. An exhaustive list might seem
endless, but the underlying pattern seems similar. We may perceive what we
need to perceive to feel comfortable - as an attempt to feel that "life
makes sense".
Systemic Coaching provides relationship solutions for most
relationship and communication challenges. We coach individuals, couples,
teams and organizations to improve their relationships as an integral part
of defining and attaining important goals. We offer in-depth coaching for
love issues in all relationships.
Suggested reading
© Martyn Carruthers, 2002 All rights reserved
Notes on Expressing Love
What is human love? Emotions, sexuality and expectations?
I invite your comments...
Human love can be described as having two modes of expression,
active and passive. I call active love
enthusiasm, and passive love appreciation.
To actively love, I can understand your goals and decide how
to support your goals. To passively love, I can understand your
actions, and choose how to appreciate your actions.
A few thoughts...
- Accepting love is one way to express love
- A human may choose to love anyone or anything
- The seven basic human relationships are: Original Family, Friendship,
Teamwork, Partnership, Parenthood, Community and Humanity
- Confusion of basic human relationships leads to suffering - to a
lack of "sense".
- The skills of each relationship type are
prerequisite for the next relationship type
- Original Family: relationships with the family into which you
were born or adopted
- Friendship: relationships with people with whom you choose to
work, rest or play
- Teamwork: relationships with people with whom you co-operate to
accomplish projects
- Partnership: relationships with people with whom you create a
stable, intimate team
- Parenthood: relationships with children that you
create or adopt
- Community: relationships with people with whom you share
interests (e.g. a neighborhood, professional associations, ...)
- Global: relationships with other communities
- Human beings can participate in relationships for happiness and "sense-of-life"
- The ability to fulfill relationships requires physical age and emotional maturity
- Emotional maturity is the ability to express love appropriately
| Love
is a word used by people to get other people to do things that they
don't want to do. MG, Newport, UK |
Summary
You may be unaware of what you lack until you notice that some people are
happier than you are. People who enjoy
long-term happiness generally have many quality relationships. You can research what happy people
do that you don't do; and what they don't do that you do.
Systemic Coaching
offers a science of happiness - coaching individuals, couples and teams to
find happiness through fulfilled success and fulfilled relationships. Happy people
may not have the best of everything; yet they seem to make the
most of everything. Happiness may be for those who can love,
appropriately and in full measure; for those who can appreciate and encourage
the people who touch their lives.
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training?
Do you want to coach people to resolve emotional and relationship challenges?
© Martyn Carruthers 2002, 2005 All rights reserved
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