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Solutions for Marriage Problems
Marriage & Conflict Management Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Marital problems increase as women choose to be complete human beings.
Is your marriage big enough for two complete people?
We help couples develop their partnership skills,
and resolve relationship conflicts.

Do you think that marriage will make you happy?
Marriage will only make you married.
The rest is up to you.

To husband means to conserve and protect resources.
Wife is an old Saxon word for woman.

Real partners have real partnership problems. Again and again I find that if partners are not solving partnership problems - they are probably having a relationship of convenience, a romantic affair or ... someone is hiding something.

My boyfriend said, "Why marry a cow when you can get the milk for free?"
I asked him, "Why marry a whole pig for one sausage?"

A marriage is two people with different skills, values, histories and expectations. Do you dream of an easy relationship? Building a healthy partnership may challenge any childish ideas that partnership is easy.

Partnership includes communicating wishes, demands, complaints and compliments. Healthy partners can listen effectively - and healthy partners can strive to understand all this information. Unhealthy partners may try to ignore each other.

  1. Do you want to make quality decisions based on facts?
  2. Do you want to know how happy relationships really work?
  3. Do you make important decisions based on fairytales and myths?
  4. Do you imagine that life would be easier if you could find a soul mate?

Coaching Partnership Skills

Our coaching, whether individual, premarital or couple counseling, helps people know who they are, their own needs and their own reasons for committing to partnership. Then we can help people know nearly as much about their partners.

Two people, under the influence of the most violent, insane, delusive and transient of passions,
are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting
condition continuously until death do them part
. George Bernard Shaw

We encourage partners to define and communicate their needs, compare their values, share their interests and discuss their intentions. We help people build partnerships in which they can express themselves, take responsibility for themselves and their needs, and increase intimacy through mature support and by resolving conflicts.

Your Partnership

We can help you define and express your values, hopes, aspirations and needs. We encourage you to think, feel and choose. We can focus on your commitment, equality (people can only be intimate if they are equal) sharing, support, affection and sharing feelings, pleasure, fun, respect and skills.

We cannot define these issues for you. We often coach partners to tell each other what they mean by commitment, equality, support and respect etc. We can encourage you to explore your attitudes, expectations and needs.

Whether you marry, or not, you will regret it. Socrates (Ancient Greece)

We help couples communicate, express feelings, negotiate change and make decisions. We coach couples to adjust to each other and achieve the friendship, companionship and loyalty that form a basis for lasting partnerships. We coach people to excel at being partners, ideally before they become parents.

We can help you accept and change your life - from your family of origin, through school and employment, through partnership and parenthood. We can coach you to choose and live with a healthy partner, decide when to start a family, manage conflicts and negative emotions, and to raise children to independence.

Are you really prepared for real children? To parent babies and adolescent teenagers?

At each step you will need to change gears. A happy marriage is not luck, a happy marriage is about quality communication, honesty and handing conflicts.

Coaching Conflict & Partnership Crisis

1. Criticism

Do you attack your partner's personality or behavior? Do you say things like, "You never do anything right." Criticism can easily escalate into blaming and excuses. See Breakdown

My husband is immature. He denies it and accuses me of acting like his mother ...
I do mother him when he acts childish and dependent,
but it's his own fault.

Strategy: Describe how you feel about specific situations. For example, "I feel angry when you come home so late. What ideas do you have that may help me control my anger?"

2. Contempt

Do you say things like "You are foolish; or ignorant?" Sarcasm, name-calling, and mockery are examples. (Contempt only differs from criticism in that you want to insult someone.)

My wife has her own business but she makes mistakes.
Whenever I tell her how things must be done, she gets angry and defensive.
I asked her to contact you, but she's too stubborn and pig-headed ...
Cardiff, Wales

Strategy: Stop blaming; use "I feel ... when ..." statements. Make direct, specific requests - don't use insults or sarcasm. Find out what's going on - peacefully.

3. Denial

Do you deny responsibility? Do you upset your partner - and then make childish excuses, perhaps saying, "It wasn't my fault" or "I was only joking"? Excuses often communicate that you don't trust your partner enough to tell your truth.

My husband accused me of depressing his life. He even blamed
me for things that happened before we met. I didn't stop him going
to university and I didn't make him join the army.
But he stopped blaming me after a few sessions with you.

Strategy: Acknowledge and validate your partner's qualities. List what attracted you to your partner. Who has changed?

4. Dissociation & Withdrawal

When a discussion becomes emotional or intense, one of you may stop participating. Although shutting down may seem protective, it can signal disapproval or superiority.

When I came home from work my wife just didn't stop talking. I love her, but I could only listen for a few minutes, and then I sort of floated away. Then she was angry that I wasn't paying attention. Since your couple coaching, she says less and I listen better and we mostly talk about things that we both find interesting. Calgary, Canada

Strategy: Take time to cool down if a discussion becomes unpleasantly emotional. Explain that you need to calm down. Avoid losing trust and respect! Leave the room, walk, write or exercise. Then, when you are calm, talk about your feelings!

Relationship Coaching & Religious Education

Religious dogma often emphasizes the sacredness of marriage, imposing moral values and burdens of guilt. Religious education and our relationship coaching have different goals. We focus on practical steps to build harmony, resolve conflicts and improve the skills needed for lasting happiness.

Do you want to enliven your partnership or renew your marriage;
manage your emotions and solve relationship problems?

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Coach Training

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2005-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email