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Mature Solutions for Relationship Problems
Avoid Emotional Illiteracy © Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Do you want to manage your emotions and solve relationship problems?

What is Maturity?

Maturity is a choice, and every choice you make displays your maturity! For men, maturity often includes desires to cooperate and to solve problems. For women, maturity often includes desires for parental responsibilities and to communicate feelings.

Maturity indicates an ability to understand people and use healthy relationship skills. It's a sad fact that, for immature people, maturity seems boring! Many immature people prefer drama, distractions and emotional displays to healthy lives. Puberty can last a lifetime!

You can assess maturity by how people behave, or by how they answer questions like:

Quickly check your personal maturity ...

Are you generally responsible? YES - MAYBE - NO
Are you friendly? Do you have many friends? YES - MAYBE - NO
Are you reliable? Do you finish what you start? YES - MAYBE - NO
Are you truthful? Do you generally avoid deception? YES - MAYBE - NO
Are you usually proactive to solving life challenges? YES - MAYBE - NO
Have you suffered enough? Do you want to change? YES - MAYBE - NO
Can you enjoy trying new ways and new behaviors? YES - MAYBE - NO
Are you financially prepared to invest in your own future? YES - MAYBE - NO
Are you ready to examine and change any self-sabotage? YES - MAYBE - NO
Do you intend to improve your health, wealth and happiness? YES - MAYBE - NO

 For each YES - give yourself 3 points
 For each MAYBE - only 1 point
 Count your points ...

0 - 15 You have an immature approach to life - and you can choose to change!
Over 15 You enjoy maturity. Why not develop your potential even more?
Over 25 You could be a great coach. Read about our professional training

[ If you want to check your Partnership Skills, see Patterns of Partnership ]

The following table highlights differences between partners with mature and immature partnership skills. I assume that the infatuation portion of a relationship is over (usually the shortest part of a partnership), and the couple either develop mature partnership skills or commence some form of relationship stagnation or breakdown.

Mature Partnership Immature Relationship
Partners often show appreciation and gratitude to each other One or both are often dissociated, irritated, depressed, critical or show contempt
Partners respond to most verbal and nonverbal communications One or both ignore, avoid or shorten
most communications
Partners review events in their history They rarely review their relationship history
Partners greet after time apart and ask about each other's activities and other news They rarely interact when together,
without even silent intimacy
Partners enjoy meeting each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment One or both often ignore or criticize
the other's goals and needs
Partners discuss goals and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. They rarely discuss goals,
values or dreams
Partners share meals and housework together One person often cooks or cleans alone
Partners often go out together They generally prefer to go out alone
Partners create projects which require committed cooperation One or both often avoid, ignore or
give small attention to shared projects
They wish to stay together to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness One or both want to separate but cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints
They respect most of each other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences One or both show contempt for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes
Partners want happiness together One or both prefer happiness alone

Happiness Reflects Maturity

Your maturity reflects your role models, your life experiences and how you react to problems. You can improve your maturity ... if you learn to manage your emotions, and gain knowledge and skills. You can participate in adult relationships - as an adult.

Can you commit to an intimate partner and ignore other potential partners? This exposes your trust and dependability. Your maturity can support your partner to explore life together with you. Maturity also supports a sense of integrity, and helps restore trust if it has been damaged.

Do you want to understand and accept your partner? This characteristic of healthy partnership enables couples to solve problems during difficult times and to use unpleasant feelings as a barometer for change. Mature people accept partners as they are - and encourage them to change how they want.

Maturity reflects your ability to accept responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Can you monitor your thoughts and feelings, rather than making excuses? Mature partners plan to attain partnership goals. Mature people do not blame their partner, parents or boss for their own emotions.

Maturity affects a couple’s ability to make decisions together, to solve relationship problems, and to resolve conflicts quickly and effectively. We help partners coach each other rather than to try to control each other.

While conflicts are inevitable, maturity allows both sides of conflicts to be understood and resolved. Mature partners own their contributions to their relationship and can search for solutions to the many problems inherent in teamwork and parenthood.

Immaturity in Marriage and Partnership

We often teach people communication and conflict resolution skills. Some people need more help than others, for example people who avoid making decisions or who sabotage other people's happiness.

Your couple counseling helped us decide that our values and goals were compatible for marriage, and that we both wanted the same type of marriage ... your coaching transcended sexual attraction and personal gain ... you exposed our most basic needs and fundamental desires ... and whether we wanted to fulfill them together ... London

We help couples untangle from their parents and/or ex-partners, and make strong foundations for new lives together.

  1. We check the goals and objections about being together
  2. We help people understand each others' goals and reactions
  3. We help people manage enmeshments with family and past-partners etc

We coach people to explore, discuss and plan relationship goals, and to solve life conflicts and challenges together. We also help people separate peacefully.

Contact us to solve emotional and relationship problems.

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2009-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email