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We present seminars and
workshops on systemic coaching, motherhood, resolving
family chaos and responsible relationships.
Me Mother - You Daughter
Many women have difficult relationships with
their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships.
A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of
her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's
choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends.
A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life
- while giving very different messages to her sons.
Troubled Teenage
Girls
Many adult women recognize the difficult
behavior of their mothers yet find themselves
criticizing their own daughters, with endless demands and
barely controlled emotions.
Daughters and Rivals
Many families are dominated by a mother. A strong
woman arguing with her partner is relatively healthy, if the children
are excluded. Unfortunately the children may be drawn into the family
politics of fighting parents. The birth of a child is always important.
If the child is son, and the new mother not stable, she may cling
to her child as a perfect love-object. If the child is a
daughter, a lonely father may find a willing recipient for his
unexpressed love.
A daughter may become a substitute woman-friend for
mother, although, if the parents do not solve their problems, a daughter
may protect an immature father from a complaining mother.
If a mother agrees with her own mother's opinion about
her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young
daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and
sympathize with mothers. An adult daughter may keep this belief though
life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the
same way as her mother treated her husband.
Father-Daughter Bonding .
Mother-Son Bonding
A daughter who sees this game may ask
dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more
daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized
she is by mother.
As a therapist and Soulwork trainer, I
have talked with hundreds of women about this. Many say that not only
their fathers get angry, leaving the room, watching TV, smoking, or
drinking, but even they as small children they heard long hours of
mothers' complaints. As little girls they learned that complaints are
normal.
Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and
immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other.
Sometimes daughters may blame their mothers for their own life problems.
But most mothers do not abandon, abuse or neglect their daughters; and
most mothers do nurture and protect their daughters through childhood.
Happiness is a political issue in many families. An
unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's
happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously
sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.
Our systemic coaching encourages and enables
acceptance and clarity in difficult relationships. Acceptance and
understanding can reunite mothers and daughters who have problems
relating to or even tolerating each other.
Health Problems
Some health problems associated with toxic
mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety,
bipolar disorder, bulimia,
delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions,
overweight, schizophrenia and suicide.
Daughters may suffer other problems too:
- Drug and alcohol abuse;
- Teenage pregnancy;
- Sexual dysfunction;
- Sexually transmitted diseases
- Relationships with abusive men.
Motherhood
Some mothers do not want the responsibilities of motherhood. Radiating complaints,
justifications and excuses, they express their suffering to whoever might
listen. Diminished responsibility has consequences for children.
A son may try to "partner" or "parent" his
immature mother, becoming prematurely
mature. However, like a flashy firework, the boy may burn out in his mid 20's. Despite
his intelligence and education, he may be
be content with simple, undemanding work, such as factory work or
driving a bus.
Such sons often show low emotional intelligence. These
young men can neither work in teams
nor maintain a partnership. We often refer to such men as Little Princes
or mother-bonded.
A daughter may also try to "partner" or
"parent" her immature mother, but unlike a boy, she may hide her
intellect and delay her maturity to show her mother that her mother is not so bad.
Mother's who try to impose their own childhood on
their daughters are in for a rude awakening. The world has changed a lot
.... perhaps too much...
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MOTHERS’ GENERATION
- Economic depression
- Repressive conservatism
- Nuclear families
- Early marriage
- Basic education
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DAUGHTERS’ GENERATION
- Economic recovery
- Political chaos
- Varied family structures
- Delayed marriage
- Higher education
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Intra-Family Codependence
We have written much about
emotional incest - about the common
entanglements between daughters and
fathers; and between sons and mothers.
Our research, descriptions and conclusions about intra-family
codependence hit home and seem uncomfortably close to the
reality of many people.
The relationship cycle of mothers and daughters may seem
simple:
- Conception: A fetus is conceived
- Birth: A baby girl is born
- Infancy: The daughter fixates on her mother
- Childhood: Mother teaches daughter how to
be female
- Adolescence: Daughter pushes away from
mother to find independence
- Partnership: Daughter selects and attracts
a partner
- Motherhood: Daughter becomes pregnant and
gives birth
Daughters who partner or parent their fathers may be motivated
to hide their intelligence, ambition and potential - from their family, friends
and even from themselves. A description of women who are bonded to their fathers
is available at
Daddy's Princess
Mothers' Perspective
A mother may have
unrealistic expectations:
- My daughter is like me
- My daughter will love me above all others
- I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
- We can have the relationship that I always
wanted with my own mother
When these hopes appear
unattainable, the mother may feel desperate and angry, despairing that
her dreams cannot be fulfilled. The daughter may feel rejected for who
she is - and only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts.
Adolescence
Some mothers try to relive their youth through
their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' friends. A mother may try to fill her daughter's life with her own
unaccomplished goals, and may over-immerse herself into her daughter's life.
A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or
the daughter may identify with her mother.
Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want
their mothers' approval but may ask for it. They want assurance that they are
loved for who they are. A mother can find ways to affirm this woman who is emerging from
childhood.
Young Adulthood
Mother-daughter conflicts leave both
women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than
talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will
listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough"
may avoid asking for coaching and advice.
A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for
both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are
adults and sometimes even behave like adults.
Independent Woman
Mothers provide nurturing and security for a newborn
human to survive physically and develop emotionally. Beyond that, a
new human has many other resources and opportunities. Some
children may blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or
inappropriate behavior. These children remain children despite the age
of their bodies.
Adults take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions
and actions. Some questions of a mature daughter may be:
- Who am I if I am not my mother?
- Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
- What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
- Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
- Why do I want my mother's approval?
A daughter's transition to womanhood requires female
sharing and caring. A mother can support her
daughter's experiences in partnership. When daughter's first child
is born, most daughters welcome their mother's physical and emotional
support. A daughter may feel independent at around age 30.
Role Reversal
There may come a time when the daughter becomes a
caregiver to the mother. This can be a stressful time, perhaps with
a decision "Should I put Mom into a nursing home?"
Tips for Mothers
- Accept your children as unique human beings
- Avoid blaming your children if you
have problems
- Be aware of the passing years -
let your children grow up
- Do not expect your children to change for your
comfort
- Evaluate your desires and life goals apart from
your children
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? We can train you to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve emotional, educational and relationship
challenges.
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