TRAINING  &  COACHING  for  MANAGERS & LEADERS

Case Histories

Mothers, Daughters and Dependence

© Teresa Mocna 2003

Teresa Mocna, trainer of Soulwork Systemic Solutions, presents seminars and workshops on systemic coaching, motherhood, resolving family chaos and responsible relationships.

Me Mother - You Daughter

Many women have difficult relationships with their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships. A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends. A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life - while giving very different messages to her sons.

[ Troubled Teenage Girls ]

Many adult women recognize the difficult behavior of their mothers yet find themselves criticizing their own daughters, with endless demands and barely controlled emotions.

Daughters and Rivals

Many families are dominated by a mother. A strong woman arguing with her partner is relatively healthy, if the children are excluded. Unfortunately the children may be drawn into the family politics of fighting parents. The birth of a child is always important. If the child is son, and the new mother not stable, she may cling to her child as a perfect love-object. If the child is a daughter, a lonely father may find a willing recipient for his unexpressed love.

A daughter may become a substitute woman-friend for mother, although, if the parents do not solve their problems, a daughter may protect an immature father from a complaining mother.

If a mother agrees with her own mother's opinion about her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and sympathize with mothers. An adult daughter may keep this belief though life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the same way as her mother treated her husband.

[ Father-Daughter Bonding ] [ Mother-Son Bonding ]

A daughter who sees this game may ask dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized she is by mother.

As a therapist and Soulwork trainer, I have talked with hundreds of women about this. Many say that not only their fathers get angry, leaving the room, watching TV, smoking, or drinking, but even they as small children they heard long hours of mothers' complaints. As little girls they learned that complaints are normal.

Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other. Sometimes daughters may blame their mothers for their own life problems. But most mothers do not abandon, abuse or neglect their daughters; and most mothers do nurture and protect their daughters through childhood.

Happiness is a political issue in many families. An unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.

Soulwork systemic coaching encourages and enables acceptance and clarity in difficult relationships. Acceptance and understanding can reunite mothers and daughters who have problems relating to or even tolerating each other.

Health Problems

Some health problems associated with toxic mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, bulimia, delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions, overweight, schizophrenia and suicide.

Daughters may suffer other problems too:

• Drug and alcohol abuse;
• Teenage pregnancy;
• Sexual dysfunction;
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Relationships with abusive men.

Motherhood

Some mothers do not want the responsibilities of motherhood. Radiating complaints, justifications and excuses, they express their suffering to whoever might listen. Diminished responsibility has consequences for children.

A son may try to "partner" or "parent" his immature mother, becoming prematurely mature. However, like a flashy firework, the boy may burn out in his mid 20's. Despite his intelligence and education, he may be be content with simple, undemanding work, such as factory work or driving a bus.

Such sons often show low emotional intelligence. These young men can neither work in teams nor maintain a partnership. Martyn Carruthers refers to such men as Little Princes or mother-bonded.

A daughter may also try to "partner" or "parent" her immature mother, but unlike a boy, she may hide her intellect and delay her maturity to show her mother that her mother is not so bad.

Mother's who try to impose their own childhood on their daughters are in for a rude awakening. The world has changed a lot .... perhaps too much...

Intra-Family Codependence

Martyn Carruthers has written about emotional incest - about the common entanglements between daughters and fathers; and between sons and mothers. His research, descriptions and conclusions about intra-family codependence hit home and seem uncomfortably close to the reality of many people.

The relationship cycle of mothers and daughters may seem simple:

1. Conception: A fetus is conceived
2. Birth: A baby girl is born
3. Infancy: The daughter fixates on her mother
4. Childhood: Mother teaches daughter how to be female
5. Adolescence: Daughter pushes away from mother to find independence
6. Partnership: Daughter selects and attracts a partner
7. Motherhood: Daughter becomes pregnant and gives birth

Daughters who partner or parent their fathers may be motivated to hide their intelligence, ambition and potential - from their family, friends and even from themselves. A description of women who are bonded to their fathers is available at Daddy's Princess

Mothers' Perspective

A mother may have unrealistic expectations:

• My daughter is like me
• My daughter will love me above all others
• I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
• We can have the relationship that I always wanted with my own mother

When these hopes appear unattainable, the mother may feel desperate and angry, despairing that her dreams cannot be fulfilled. The daughter may feel rejected for who she is - and only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts.

Adolescence

Some mothers try to relive their youth through their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' friends. A mother may try to fill her daughter's life with her own unaccomplished goals, and may over-immerse herself into her daughter's life. A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or the daughter may identify with her mother.

Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want their mothers' approval but may ask for it. They want assurance that they are loved for who they are. A mother can find ways to affirm this woman who is emerging from childhood.

Young Adulthood

Mother-daughter conflicts leave both women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough" may avoid asking for coaching and advice.

A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are adults and sometimes even behave like adults.

Independent Woman

Mothers provide nurturing and security for a newborn human to survive physically and develop emotionally. Beyond that, a new human has many other resources and opportunities. Some children may blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or inappropriate behavior. These children remain children despite the age of their bodies.

Adults take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and actions. Some questions of a mature daughter may be:

• Who am I if I am not my mother?
• Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
• What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
• Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
• Why do I want my mother's approval?

A daughter's transition to womanhood requires female sharing and caring. A mother can support her daughter's experiences in partnership. When daughter's first child is born, most daughters welcome their mother's physical and emotional support. A daughter may feel independent at around age 30.

Role Reversal

There may come a time when the daughter becomes a caregiver to the mother. This can be a stressful time, perhaps with a decision "Should I put Mom into a nursing home?"

Tips for Mothers

• Accept your children as unique human beings

• Avoid blaming your children if you have problems

• Be aware of the passing years - let your children grow up

• Do not expect your children to change for your comfort

• Evaluate your desires and life goals apart from your children

Systemic Coaching ... Systemic Coach Training

Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? We can train you to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve emotional, educational and relationship challenges.

Copyright Teresa Mocna 2003; all rights reserved