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If you feel strong emotions as you read this
article ...
please consider seeking help.
As Girls Become Women
Few parents intend to abandon, abuse or neglect their
children. Most parents have good intentions to nurture and protect
their children. We help motivated adults build healthy relationships.
Many women
talk about their difficult relationships with their mothers ... and with their daughters. Many mothers
say that they want their
daughters to be happy, yet the daughters often say that they feel criticized for their choice of education, career, boyfriends and partners.
Yet mothers
may feel blamed by their daughters for everything that happens with their
daughters' education, career, boyfriends and partners. (See:
Troubled Teenage
Girls)
Although times are changing, some girls are advised to be realistic
and to prepare for unfulfilling lives - while boys may be advised to be
idealistic and to plan for success. Such advice seems to reflect family histories
of limiting beliefs and unpleasant habits.
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Mom blames her mother for her life problems
- but Grandma was a good woman, wise and kind, although she did like my
uncles more than Mom. And Gran used to say that her mother always favored her
brothers ... daughters were expected to marry and disappear. |
Many adult daughters recognize their mothers' conflicts and bias,
yet find themselves responding to their own daughters with similar
demands. And these issues may seem rather minor compared to what sometimes happens
between mothers and daughters ...
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2005 AP Okeechobee, Florida. - A mother
was arrested, accused of selling a 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and
trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car. The 39-year-old woman ... was charged
with aggravated child abuse and sexual performance
by a child.
2008 Philadelphia police arrested
a mother-daughter pair accused of working together as prostitutes. The mother,
38, and daughter, 22, were escorted by police from their home as neighbors
applauded. The
daughter's children, ages 3 to 7, were nearby with a baby-sitter. |
Sometimes a mother sexually bonds to a daughter which can be devastating
for a girl. Later, as a woman, the daughter may feel unable to bond with a male
partner ... or with any partner. As an adult, she may fear being perceived as
lesbian; and if lesbian, she may wonder how much of her sexual orientation
reflects her mother's abuse.
Female pedophiles
are at least as dangerous as
males, as they can better roam freely and are rarely suspected or recognized,
although they can cause huge emotional damage to children.
Changing Worlds
Most people seem to believe that their own childhood was
normal, and they may try to impose their childhood norms onto their
children. But as the world changes ... so does the sense of normal.
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Parent’s Normality
- Early marriage was normal
- Basic education was normal
- Repressive conservatism was normal
- Nuclear families were normal
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Children's Normality
- Delayed marriage is normal
- Higher education is normal
- Distrust of politicians is normal
- Varied family structures are normal
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Daughters and Rivals
Many parents argue, and this can be healthy, if they
exclude their children from
their disputes.
However, immature parents often draw children into their conflicts (see
parental
alienation).
If the parents
cannot resolve their own problems, their children may try to protect
one parent (seen as a victim) from the other (labeled as a victimizer), with
unpleasant
consequences (e.g. victim
identification).
A daughter may come to believe that her mother is a victim of a
bad father, and sympathize with her mother. If a daughter supports
her mother's criticism of her father, they may feel more closely bonded.
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Or daughters may ask ... "Is it possible that my father is OK?" The more
a daughter perceives her father as OK, the more she may be criticized by
her mother for taking her father's side.
Many women have told us that in their families, complaining and criticizing
were normal female communications. Those women who considered anger to be
normal male behavior had often witnessed their fathers' frustrated and angry reactions
to their mother's criticisms and contempt.
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"Who can be happy?"
can be a political issue in unhealthy families. A depressed mother
may seem to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or
enmeshed daughter may sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother. |
Daughters who identify with abusive mothers may
unconsciously seek partners similar to their perceptions of their fathers, and
later abuse those men in much the same way as their mothers abused their
fathers. They may seek sympathy as victims as they provoke their male
partners. After some unsatisfactory relationships they may withdraw
into obsessions or depression. They may live their lives feeling
deep anger to all men.
If a couple involves their own children in their arguments and
fights ... the wife often bonds to her oldest son and damages his life, and her
husband may reject his wife and may bond to his youngest daughter. The cycle of
abuse then continues into more generations. This seems to be commonplace.
Motherhood
Most mature mothers enjoy the responsibilities of
motherhood, while immature mothers may complain about their loss of freedom and verbally or non-verbally reject their partners.
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My older brother was 14 when our father left ...
he tried to take our father's place ... he became our mother's best
friend. He never really had a girlfriend ... despite his university
degrees, he worked in a factory and now drives a city bus. He's 46 and
still lives
at home with our mother. Liverpool, UK |
Daughters who fixate on their mothers may be very clever yet
show low
emotional intelligence. They
may have immature friends, be unable to work in teams and have a history of
partnership disasters.
Adolescence & Young Adulthood
Some mothers try to relive their youth through their
daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' best friends. They may
try to motivate their daughters to fulfill her own unaccomplished
goals, or try to immerse themselves into their daughter's lives.
When these hopes are not realized, a disappointed mother may
blame her daughter for her own emotions and failures. The daughter may feel rejected for
who she is - and only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts ... even if
those scripts include abusing her partners and abandoning her own children.
The daughter may fight to establish her own boundaries and
protect her own identity - or the daughter may lose access to her own
identity, identify with her mother or become
a mother to her mother.
Many teenage daughters have told us that they want their mothers to listen.
They want their mothers' approval but they may not want to ask
their
mothers for approval. They often want assurance that they are loved for
who they are - not for what they may do, who they may become or for who
they may marry.
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I am 28 ... my arguments with my mother
leave me exhausted ... I want her to listen to me - not just give the
same old advice that I heard from my grandmother ... when I feel judged or not
good enough I avoid my mother - sometimes for months.
Atlanta, Georgia
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Daughters who blame their mothers for their own neurotic thoughts or
inappropriate behaviors may remain immature despite the age
of their bodies. Common questions of adult daughters are:
- Why do I still seek my mother's approval?
- Is it OK for me to be happier than my mother?
- What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
Most daughters will appreciate their mothers' care
(but not their criticism)
especially as they gain experience in partnership and parenthood.
Most daughters will welcome their mother's support (but not their control)
especially when they are pregnant and when their children are born.
Tips for Mothers
- Define your life goals
apart from your children
- Avoid blaming your children for your own emotions
and problems
- Perceive your children as
unique human beings ... not as photocopies of you
Better Mother-Daughter
Relationships
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