Part 2 - Men who Fixate on their Mothers
Mother-son fixations are a basis for many legends, cults, myths
3: Sons and Lovers
Here's a quick check for mother-son fixation. (If you are a
man - ask some trusted female friends to honestly rate you).
If you have five or more YES answers,
maybe investigate this issue. Does a man ...
- obsess about his mother?
- attack or sabotage people?
- expect women to serve him?
- react strongly to any criticism?
- demand devotion (not just love)?
- obsess about immature women?
- not commit to happy partnership?
- damage other people's relationships?
- show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
- demand attention or threaten to leave?
- blame his mother for all his problems?
- blame his partner for all his problems?
- feel huge anger but avoid expressing it?
- act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
- brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
- have obsessive interests and few social skills?
- obsess about physical and mental health defects?
- try to rescue married women from their husbands?
- hunt women - quantity not happiness is important?
- avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or therapy?
The Little Prince - his story so far ...
If a lonely mother perceives her son as special,
the son will try to be special. He may become prematurely adult or retreat
into heroic childish fantasies. Instead of enjoying childhood and adolescence, he may
develop adult obsessions and become
a prisoner of self-deception - a prisoner who cannot imagine escaping.
Men who fixate on their mothers may be unable to maintain a partnership
with a healthy woman. They prefer women who act like mothers or daughters!
Peter Pan Grows Up
Lonely mothers may love their sons in ways that damage them. Such mothers may
only share intimacies or plan family activities
with their sons. Few sons can resist the love of a lonely mother ... but the future
partners of those sons
will often carry a burden of an egocentric, immature, demanding man who is
My parents divorced and I stayed with my
mother. When I was 13, my mother got into bed with me.
She stroked my body
... I knew it was wrong but I couldn't move. It kept happening until I
threatened to tell my father. At 32 I could hardly stand the touch of
a woman - any woman.
Since our sessions last year, I am engaged to be
The consequences of a mother bonding to a son (in a culture where this is not
normal) often include family chaos. A displaced father may seek
affairs, separation or show psychosomatic symptoms.
The mother and son may together care for the father, as if the father was a
difficult child. A son (especially a first son) may feel that he is somehow special - but he
depends on his mother for his sense of specialness.
sons may find that obsessive devotion by immature women is the only
love they can recognize ... that anything other than obsessive devotion is not
My son is 35 years old. His father left
us 30 years ago. Although he was a brilliant student, my son has no ambition.
He has no interest in anything except my cooking. I bought him an apartment
- but I cannot make him move into it. He says I need a man around the house.
But if a male friend visits me, my son is upset for days.
Often, the parents' partnership worsens as a mother and son
become closer. The father may feel jealous and angry. While he may hide his feelings,
he may withdraw from his wife and son until they are emotionally separated. Unless
resolved, such suffering often precedes intimate affairs and/or physical separation
by a few years.
As a boy passes adolescence, he will want to explore boy-girl
relationships, but if he is bonded to his mother he may have no space
for a partner. He may become a shy and nervous nerd - or he may be a promiscuous
macho and hurt
many girls. Is he an adult-boy? Is he a child-man? Is he his mother’s partner?
Is he his father's rival? The life of a
mother's boy may only make sense if he tries to fulfill his special fantasies.
Life Patterns of Men who Fixate on Mothers
Few mother's boys can enjoy long-term partnerships with women. Instead, they may
flare out in their twenties, and spend their lives as
might-have-beens, often blaming their mothers or all women for their problems.
Unless they can dissolve their enmeshment, some common life-patterns of mother-bonded men are:
- Mother, where are you?: Only seeks women who
will mother him
- Philosopher: Avoids partnership by rationalizing and denying
- Pedophile: Avoids partnership with adults and obsesses about
- Macho / Womanizer: Avoids partnership with many girlfriends and
- Introvert / Nerd: Avoids partnership by withdrawal, may live with
- Artist / Rocket: Avoids partnership by studying, followed by
- Priest / Monk: Avoids partnership by abstinence (may seek a perfect Father)
- Gay / Bisexual: Avoids partnership with women, prefers
relationships with men
Mothers' boys often believe that they are special and that they need not
change. They may become angry and defensive if confronted with evidence of their
mother-fixation. They rarely ask for help, and if counseling is offered, they
may say that they are
too special or too clever to need help.
After a decade or two of such behavior, they may suddenly be aware of the
inadequacy of their lives - and blame their mothers for everything
unpleasant that ever happened to them, especially concerning their relationship
choices and partnership history.
Princess, having experienced Princes,
Bumper Sticker (seen in Hawaii)
Little Prince’s Relationships
My mother-in-law is crude, vulgar and
stupid, but my husband is devoted to her ...
he finds nasty ways to hurt me
if I hint that his mother is anything less than perfect. London
Mother-bonded men can relax with other men who have similar fixations,
although they may never realize how their fixations wreck their lives.
They will likely be strongly attracted to father-bonded women who
also suffered psychological incest - we sometimes call such women
I've fought my mother's dependence since I
was a teenager ... I was my high school valedictorian,
I have a B.S. degree,
but I worked most of my life as a postal clerk. California
If an immature man partners a mature woman ...
- She wants to talk about feelings, but he only discusses feelings with his mother
- She becomes sad, angry and demanding – perhaps just like his mother
- They may create a stable addict-helper codependence, and / or
- They may create or adopt a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy, and / or
- He may decide that he is not respected enough ...
My spouse had several addictions,
such as alcohol and smoking, which he overcame, and a sexual addiction,
for which he is being treated. Most of his problems are connected to my
mother-in-law. He is blindly loyal to her and always takes her side.
Whenever he hurts anyone, she defends him.
After reading your Little Prince, I feel that my spouse has taken that
role with his mother. When can we start? Toronto, 2003
Martyn, I cannot begin to understand how I found you
and our wonderful sessions. I believe that God sent
you to our lives at the right moment. I can't thank you enough for your
help. I am still overwhelmed at the revelations of yesterday ...
Although many wives resent their mother-in-law's interference, if a
mother-fixated man takes sides between his wife and his mother ... he
may reject his wife. (If he supports his wife against his mother, he
may later blame his wife for alienating his mother.)
The way out is usually the way through. We help
people resolve parental bonds,
manage their emotions and solve relationship problems.
Little Prince: Part 1 .
Online Life Coaching & Counseling for Healthy
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