Do you feel rejected by your family?
We help people resolve emotional and relationship issues.
PAS Part 1 - Before Adolescence
. Covert Emotional Incest .
Anger & Rage
Parental Alienation Part 2 - After Adolescence
Children, especially children under stress,
often perceive a black or white world. Things are good ... or bad. People are nice
... or nasty. If their parents argue,
stressed children may believe one parent is a victimizer,
and the other is a victim.
Children may express anger or hatred to perceived
victimizers - and love or sympathy to perceived victims. Expressing
anger to victimizers and love to victims can become emotional habits
that feel normal and just. Such habits may linger for life.
During and after adolescence, healthy children
become biologically ready for parenthood and emotionally ready for
partnership. Adolescents with unpleasant beliefs or fixations about their
parents, or with other unhealthy habits, may feel unable to
fulfill these needs. Instead, such teenagers and young adults may
withdraw or continually express strong negative emotions.
Parental alienation and
mentor damage causes
many problems for children, although these problems are often latent
until children reach adolescence. Then the
teenagers' symptoms (often precipitated by unhealthy role models)
may seem to explode. Some symptoms are:
Following parental alienation, adult children may express the rejected
parent's values and qualities, for example:
- live with the rejected parent (may avoid
the rejecting parent)
- identify with the qualities of the rejected
- oscillate between mother's and father's behavior
- partner people who have qualities of the rejected parent
If ignored, this drama may continue into
subsequent generations. We can help the rejecting parent, the rejected parent and
adolescent children, either individually, or
simultaneously (i.e. family coaching).
If the pleasure of human connectedness can be replaced by depression and
suffering, then parental alienation is a deeply spiritual issue. Parental
alienation (PAS) often seems to depress children.
Adult children affected by PAS may become unable to feel joyously
connected with their friends, partners, families and
with their God.
Systemic Family Coaching .
Systemic Couple Coaching
Anger & Rage
A symptom set that we often associate with parental alienation
is identification with a
victim. If a child perceives
one parent as a victim and the other as a victimizer, that
child may identify with the victim and express anger to the victimizer.
After adolescence, the same child may identify with the
rejected parent (now seen as the real victim) and express
anger to the rejecting parent (now seen as the real
victimizer). Such anger may become generalized to all perceived
victims and motivate a lifelong obsession with justice.
If a child tries to remain loyal to both parents, and those
parents are in conflict, the child will likely believe that
unresolved conflicts are normal. The part of the
child that supports the father will object to or battle the part of the child that supports the mother,
resulting in chronic inner conflict. We often help people resolve such conflicts.
My ex-husband played a victim
role very well, gained the sympathy of the judge and was awarded
custody of our two children ... our older child is now
24 and perpetually angry, and our younger child suffers endless indecision.
Identification . Learning Disabilities .
Power & Privilege
Emotional blackmail is a common strategy for gaining and
maintaining the benefits of child custody, even though a
mother who disrupts father-child contact defined by court
order may be acting illegally.
The best interests of the child, in a court
of law, rarely mean the child’s best interests. Parents can vote,
parents can file lawsuits and parents can pay lawyers. Children’s
interests and rights are usually subordinated to the parents'
interests. Children of divorce are rarely represented in court,
and they may be emotionally crushed by
their parents displays of anger, hatred and victim games.
. Children of Divorce
Coaching . Depression
Parents who have hurt or damaged their partners or children
may later feel depressed. Happiness or pleasure may not make
sense. Many people, after alienating a once-loved partner (especially
if they also abused their own children),
seem to depress their own lives. Some symptoms are:
- Ignores personal hygiene
- Avoids tracking finances
- Avoids completing tasks
- Ignores important problems
- Considers self-harm
- Creates problems
Consequences of Parental Alienation (PAS)
Either parent can initiate a sequence of events leading to parental
- A separated parent states that a child
does not wish to visit the other parent
- A social worker confirms that the child
does not wish to visit the other parent
- The custodial parent and social worker
report to a court
- A court limits the child's contact with the
- The child and rejecting parent bond by
their mutual rejection of the other parent
- The child and rejected parent may lose
contact until the child is mature
- After adolescence, the adult child
may bond to the rejected parent and
reject the rejecting parent
Many people who felt alienated from a parent have told
us that they could not cope with this situation as children, and avoided,
not hated, the other parent. If the rejecting parent continues
to reject the qualities of the rejected partner, the child, as an adult, may
avoid the rejecting parent. (Such children may also come to hate and reject
their own habits or qualities that are similar to the rejecting parent.)
Maturity & Child Abuse
Children often suffer from the sometimes vicious tactics that immature
parents use to punish each other. Although immature parents express depression,
anger, and aggression by withdrawing love, alienating a child's parent is child
abuse. We help people manage the consequences of:
- betrayal by a partner
- instilling children with false memories
- using children as 'dependent hostages'
- emotional incest and passive aggression
- court ordered suffering: custody by
a hated parent
Contact us to manage negative emotions and solve relationship problems.
Online Life Coaching for Adult Children of Difficult Parents
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004-2018
All rights reserved.