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We present interactive demonstration-rich
workshops on partnership, relationship happiness, resolving family
chaos and relationship coaching. Would you like a
workshop in your area?
Do you have Relationship Problems?
- Did you lose something in a relationship? Do you now avoid
any relationship?
- Do you avoid human contact,
interaction and conflict ? Are you often dissociated?
- Do you sabotage
your own success? Do you avoid solving relationship issues?
[
Divorce .
Divorce Children .
Parent Alienation .
Stress Disorders ]
Partnership Skills
A stable, happy partnership
needs skill - not luck. Partnership skills include friendly co-operation. A
romantic partnership is an intimate team of two. Partnership
skills may be best learned from role models or mentors - but role models for
happy partnership may not be so easy to find.
A first step is often emancipation from your
early family. If you act in ways that please your family, you may reduce
your ability to express and receive love from a partner. If you feel that
your love for a partner should be to a family member (especially to an
opposite-sex parent or family member) - you may find yourself involved in
emotional incest. Signs of emotional incest
may include impotence or frigidity.
[
Emotional Incest . Impotence &
Frigidity ]
Here is a simple model
to evaluate your partnership habits and predict
what happens next. Although the following tables show two sets of behaviors -
your behavior is richer than this. These are
not either-or situations - they are simply two extremes.
1. Infatuation or Love?
Infatuation may last from
a few days to a few years, and is what many people call true love, although
this is usually the shortest phase of a partnership. Love at
first sight may indicate transferences (one or both partners do not see
the other real person - and instead responds to an idealized image based on
his or her histories and needs. However, such doubts are
are often ignored).
Love can last forever
if there is a strong basis for attraction, with mutual trust and shared
values. Infatuation may lead to long-term love - yet likely leads to a
short-term affair. (If you build relationships
on infatuation instead of love, you may be a love addict
- you may be addicted to fantasies and drama.)
Steps to Infatuation
|
Steps to Love
|
| You meet someone with whom you might fulfill your romantic fantasies |
You meet someone who you find interesting and attractive |
| You hope that this person
can rescue you |
You check if you and this person are available |
| You don't have to change anything |
You feel motivated to develop |
| You will do anything
to prolong your good feelings of being with this person |
You explore your
shared goals, history, ethics, expectations and values |
| Your life feels intensely romantic |
Exploring each other's worlds
is fulfilling |
| You feel that all your needs and
desires can be fulfilled effortlessly |
You together consider and plan ways
to fulfill both of your needs and desires |
| You believe that your romantic feelings will last forever |
You do things together to build trust and to witness each other in
many contexts |
| You break rules to maintain good feelings |
You discuss the rules of your relationship |
| You believe that you can communicate
telepathically - without words |
You discuss many topics and compare your
heartfelt beliefs and values |
| You evade important issues and tell lies to
avoid "spoiling" your good feelings |
You tell candid truth to increase intimacy |
| You ignore important parts of your
life (friends, family, work, savings, etc) |
You share the important parts of your life with this person |
| THIS is your One True Love - your Soul Mate -
and no other partner is possible! |
You know there are many potential
partners for you and this person seems like a good choice |
|
You’re in love! |
2. Disenchantment or Responsibilities?
Infatuation usually reaches a
peak and then diminishes. Reality intrudes when ordinary, practical decisions
must be made. Your romantic fantasies may now seem unrealistic.
Love can continue to
grow, using the possibilities presented as you fulfill
your responsibilities in your daily life. See Mother's
Little Prince and
Daddy's Little Princess.
You feel disenchanted
|
You accept responsibility
|
|
Your fantasy is replaced by daily life |
Your daily
life is the reward of your work |
|
Romance is replaced by boredom or conflict |
Romance
grows as responsibilities are shared |
|
Something wonderful is slowly dying |
Something
wonderful is slowly being born |
|
You may feel that you are being cheated |
You may
feel that you are being rewarded |
|
Your partner cannot fulfill your dreams |
You are
fulfilling your dreams of partnership |
|
You may blame anything and anybody except yourself |
You take
credit for your efforts - and for your mistakes |
|
You are increasingly aware of other potential partners |
You know
that other potential partners exist - and so what? |
3. Conflict and Withdrawal!
Tiny issues can become power
contests. Who takes out the garbage? Who should wash the dishes?
After some threshold of suffering you may consider separation and/or affairs.
With good coaching, you can learn how to use conflicts to create better relationships.
Many partnership crisis and conflicts follow
abortions. See
Consequences of Abortion.
Conflicts LOSE energy
|
Conflicts GAIN energy
|
| You argue and fight over small issues |
You find fun ways to resolve small issues |
| You feel emotionally unavailable - dissociated |
You find nice ways to "stay in your body" |
| You become withdrawn or aggressive |
You find interesting ways to recharge |
| You fear loneliness or economic uncertainty |
You know that you are friendly and competent |
| You may long for lost intimacy and passion |
You invent ways to increase intimacy |
| Sexual intimacy decreases or stops and flirting or a romantic affair may seem enticing |
Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows, and you learn to ride its tides and currents |
4. Evaluate your Partnership!
Conflicts and challenges are inevitable! Each of you can
choose to resolve conflicts and solve problems - or you may avoid or postpone
conflicts. Evaluation may not be
easy - evaluating issues may require good relationship coaching.
Immature Assumptions
|
Mature Evaluation
|
| You assume that your partner
will never change |
You support your partner's development |
| You assume
that your values, fears, transferences, habits etc will never change |
You evaluate your own values,
fears, transferences and habits, etc |
| You assume that you already know your partner's
values, commitments and limitations |
You evaluate your partner’s values, commitments
and limitations |
| You distract yourself with obsessions
and avoid your own and your partner's feelings |
You stay present, with compassion,
commitment and integrity |
| You assume
that your partner is a lost cause |
You look at yourself and your partner
as adults who choose to be together! |
|
Whatever you decide - you will try to prove
that you are right! |
5. Decisions about your Partnership!
Your relationship is in crisis and you cannot decide
whether to part or continue. Some questions are:
- Do you have compatible national, social and religious backgrounds?
- Do you have compatible financial, physical and economic situations?
- Do you have compatible professional, personal and family expectations?
- Do you both accept full responsibility for your decisions and actions?
Irresponsible
|
Responsible
|
| You do not discuss your needs and desires, or you
make demands and threats |
You discuss your basic needs and heartfelt desires with your partner in
friendly ways |
| You withhold your thoughts and feelings from your partner,
and perhaps share them with someone else! |
You share your thoughts
and feelings with your partner - even the uncomfortable ones |
| You dictate what your partner should think or feel! |
You welcome your partner's perspectives |
| You withhold the truth and avoid commitment! |
You are truthful and candid! |
| You cling to dreams of other potential partners! |
You clarify your past partnerships |
| You repeat the patterns of your parents! |
You dissolve any toxic family patterns |
| You follow toxic role models without question! |
You search for role models for happy partnership |
| You do not discuss your challenges with anybody! |
You discuss your challenges with
good friends |
| You want your partner to fulfill all your needs! |
You want your partnership to have sense |
6. Stay or Separate?
You and your partner may never consider separation – or you may stay together while
emotionally separating - or you may separate while remaining
bonded to each other.
|
Separating requires one decision |
Partnership requires two decisions |
| Do you want to make life choices independent of your partner? |
Do you both
commit to creating a satisfying, fulfilling partnership? |
| Do you want to resolve life issues independent of your partner? |
Do you both
accept conflicts as opportunities to learn and develop? |
| Do you want to end economic and emotional bonds to your partner? |
Can you both work together to create ongoing contentment and satisfaction? |
| Do you want your feelings and emotions to be independent of your
partner's behavior? |
Do you both discuss your feelings and not-so-pleasant emotions? |
| Do you want to be available for a new partnership? |
Do you both accept the responsibilities of your partnership
roles? |
7. Commit to Partnership - or - Start Again?
You may lack the skills needed for fulfilling partnership. Instead of
learning partnership skills – you may settle for less - a lot less. You may hope that
a happy partnership will happen - somehow - effortlessly -
and repeat this cycle until you have no more energy or no more life.
|
You commit to partnership and integrate your needs and goals |
You explore new relationship
possibilities, learning from your past |
| Can you both define and fulfill your partnership responsibilities? |
Can you define what you require and what you
would like in a partnership? |
| Can you anticipate each other’s actions and
resolve conflicts quickly? |
Can you accept yourself as you are and commit
to being true to yourself? |
| Can you both accept reality as it is and
work together as a team? |
Can you list what you want to change (in
yourself) and create a changework plan? |
| Can you both commit to partnership while maintaining
your own identities? |
Can you list essential, non-negotiable
characteristics of an appropriate partner? |
| Can you both be realistic and independent in an evolving partnership? |
Can you consider how you can identify and attract suitable
potential partners? |
Ending a potentially wonderful partnership because one of you clings to
unrealistic expectations is common. Instead of lowering your expectations - get
systemic coaching.
Our couple coaching can help you build better partnerships and solve
many types of partnership crisis.
[ Enjoying
Partnership .
Evaluating Partnership .
Space for Love ]
Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach
training?
Do you want to coach people to resolve emotional and relationship challenges?
© Martyn Carruthers 2000-2009 All rights reserved. |
