This is part 2 about the differences between infatuation and love - and between
immature affairs and mature partnership. I wrote this for people who
want to solve relationship problems
... for people who want to share lives together.
Wherever I teach, women seem generally more mature
than men, and the competition to find mature men can be fierce. Many
women seem to settle for immature or irresponsible men so that they
can become mothers ... and these women
often seem quite prepared to
leave their men if the men won't grow up.
Continued from Part 1:
How did your Partnership get to this?
4. Evaluate your Partnership!
Partnership conflicts are inevitable! No matter
how compatible you are - you will not agree on EVERYTHING! Mature partners
must solve real partnership problems! Both partners can choose to resolve
conflicts and solve problems - or they can try to avoid conflicts and ignore
We help people evaluate partnership and parenthood issues
as a basis for responsible decisions.
If you or your partner have sexual
issues, see Sexual Solutions
that your partner cannot change
your partner's development
|You assume that
your values, fears, transferences, habits etc will not change
||You explore and
evaluate your own values, fears, transferences and habits, etc
|You assume that
you already know your partner's values, commitments and limitations
||You explore and
evaluate your partner’s values, commitments and limitations
|You distract yourself
and avoid discussing your own or your partner's feelings
||You stay present,
with compassion, commitment and integrity
that your partner is unworthy of further effort on your part
||You assess whether you
and your partner are compatible for a committed relationship
Evaluating compatibility for committed partnership will
likely require that you compare beliefs, values, ethics, morals and
your relationship skills. Some useful topics are:
- How do you show love?
- How do you manage money?
- What is your educational background?
- What bonds do you have to your family?
- What are your interests, sports and hobbies?
- How motivated are you to improve
- What about your physical weight,
health and hygiene?
- How do you express your feelings ...
and your thoughts?
- What is your attitude to sex? Is
sex a pleasure or a duty?
- What are your ethics, morals, sense of life,
5. Make Decisions!
people and immature adults may be unable to end unsuitable relationships.
If your relationship is in crisis, can you decide whether or not you
want to stay together ... and how to stay together? Can you decide to end or
change a relationship? Or do you feel stuck?
|You avoid discussing your
needs and desires, or you make demands and threats
||You discuss your needs and
heartfelt desires with your partner in friendly ways
|You withhold your thoughts and
feelings from your partner, and may share them with someone else!
||You share your thoughts
and feelings with your partner - even the uncomfortable ones
|You dictate what
your partner should think or feel!
||You welcome your
|You withhold the truth
and avoid commitment!
||You are truthful and
|You cling to memories of past partners!
||You clarify your past
|You repeat the patterns
of your parents!
||You explore and resolve bad
|You follow toxic role
models without question!
||You seek role models
for happy partnership
|You hide your
||You improve your
|You want your partner to
fulfill your needs!
||You want your partnership
to make sense
- Do you have compatible financial,
physical and economic situations?
- Do you have compatible professional,
personal and family expectations?
- Are you both responsible
for your decisions, behavior and consequences?
- Do you have compatible national, social,
educational and religious backgrounds?
6. Stay Together or Separate?
You and your partner may not consider separation – or you
may stay together while feeling emotionally separated - or one
of you may cling to the other. (If
you say that you want to protect your marriage - I might ask, "What
marriage do you want to protect?")
Separating requires one decision
Partnership requires two decisions
|Do you want to make independent
||Can you both commit
to creating a satisfying, fulfilling partnership?
|Do you want to manage
life issues independently?
||Can you both
accept conflicts as opportunities to learn and develop?
|Do you want to end
financial and economic bonds to your partner?
||Can you both work together
to create ongoing contentment and satisfaction?
|Do you want your feelings
and emotions to be independent of your partner's behavior?
||Can you both discuss
your feelings and not-so-pleasant emotions?
|Do you want to seek another partner?
||Can you both accept
the responsibilities of your partnership roles?
7. Commit to Partnership - or Start Again?
Do you have the essential skills for mature, happy partnership?
Do you enjoy partnership – or do you settle for less?
Do you hope that happy partnership will magically happen -
somehow - effortlessly? Do you repeat a cycle of shallow
relationships until you have no more energy - or no more life?
Explore New Relationships
Commit to Partnership
|Can you define what you
want and what you want to give in a partnership?
||Can you both discuss your partnership
goals and responsibilities, and how to fulfill them?
|Can you accept yourself
as you are and commit to being true to your own values?
||Can you discuss your own and each
other’s actions, and resolve conflicts quickly?
|Can you list what you
want to change (in yourself) and create a changework plan?
||Can you both accept reality
as it is, and work together as a team to improve it?
|Can you list essential,
non-negotiable characteristics of an appropriate partner?
||Can you both commit to
partnership while maintaining your own interests & identities?
|Can you consider how you
can identify and attract suitable potential partners?
||Can you both be realistic, independent
and cooperative in the evolving relationship?
Ending a potentially wonderful relationship because one person
clings to immature behaviors can be distressing. So many people waste
their lives waiting for someone else to develop
his or her potential ... or at least to just grow up!
Contact us to manage your emotions and solve relationship
Online Couple Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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