We help people manage the consequences of parent alienation,
emotional incest and other forms of abuse.
Parent Alienation 1: Children Before Adolescence
Parent Alienation 2:
After Adolescence . Covert Emotional Incest
When Children Hate Parents
Although it is a crime to 'incite hatred on the basis of color,
religion, or creed', similar actions are common in dysfunctional
families. Adults may manipulate children to hate other family members.
Parents who incite children to distrust or hate the other parent are
guilty of Parental Alienation or PAS - sometimes called
emotional blackmail. Some adults
abuse their own children for financial or egotistic advantages.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is
often accompanied by covert emotional incest,
in which a parent or guardian abuses a child as a substitute
for a partner.
The resulting limiting beliefs and
negative emotions may be difficult to rationalize and change
without experienced help.
Some consequences of PAS can last for decades. Adults
who were abused as children may experience negative emotions and limiting
beliefs from this damage, although they can rarely identify the cause. Other
consequences of PAS are mentor damage,
chronic conflict and
identification with a victim.
Parents who deliberately hurt children may feel diminished
relationships with their families, with humanity and with their God.
(This diminished sense of life
seems to be equally true for agnostics and atheists.)
We help people prevent partnership
breakdown and resolve its consequences. Although both
fathers and mothers play this terrible game, there are no winners.
My Child Hates Me! / I Hate My Father!
When a child rejects a parent, there are heavy consequences. The
family, community and courts often respond emotionally to
support the mother, regardless of any manipulation or distortions
used to incite the child's rejection of the father or to make the other partner
seem somehow bad.
This can be a factor when children do not communicate with their
parents. In extreme cases, child victims of parental alienation may
hate, abuse or even be violent to their parents, especially
during their teenage years. (Following parental alienation, adolescence may
be delayed and exceptionally turbulent).
Who is Hurt?
Children are intelligent and sensitive to family relationships.
Many adults may consider young children to be stupid and naive. Children
may be unable to communicate their observations using adult language, and
they be may ignored or ridiculed if they try. Children often
communicate with symptoms.
- Children may be manipulated by parents who want to
hurt each other
- Children may be simultaneously urged
by both parents to reject the other
- Children may be guided by family, community or
cult to reject their parents
- Adopted children may be
encouraged to dislike or reject their birth parents
Children who reject a parent, the rejected parents and the
rejecting parents will show predictable, often severe emotional
consequences, especially anger, guilt and sadness. The suffering associated with these consequences
is often ignored.
Parent alienation often includes
emotional incest, in
which a parent loves an opposite sex child in unhealthy ways. If so, later in
life, such emotionally enmeshed children often suffer predictable
partnership problems and sexual issues.
Parents who Damage Children
Parental alienation predicts common behavior patterns that
we see during marriage counseling, family therapy and couple counseling. However, most families, communities and courts
currently support biological mothers and deny custody to
biological or substitute fathers, regardless of facts.
In many countries, custodial parents are legally obligated
to avoid disrupting a child's relationship with the other parent.
Even so, many custodial parents break the law by trying to destroy
their children’s relationships with the other parents. They may “forget”
or disrupt visits, or move homes without a forwarding address.
Parental Alienation Syndrome
Either parent can initiate a sequence of events
leading to PAS.
- A parent of pre-adolescent children rejects
his or her partner
- A child shows loyalty to that parent by rejecting
their other parent
- A custodial parent tells a child what is true, and
then says, "Tell the truth"
- Children support their custodial parent by rejecting
the alienated parent
- A custodial parent may implant false memories
about the rejected parent
- Following emotional maturity,
PAS children often reject their custodial parents and bond
to their alienated parents
Sequence of Parental Alienation
We have heard this sad story too many times ...
- The parents experience a conflict that they cannot
manage or ignore
- Instead of getting help, they become emotionally
entangled in their crisis
- One or both parents neglect the consequences of
their crisis on their children
- One parent rejects the other's qualities
(behavior, beliefs and / or values)
- That parent rejects those qualities in the child
(e.g. stop acting like your father!)
- The child denies or hides qualities similar to
those of the alienated parent
- The child identifies with the rejecting
parent, who often acts like a victim
- The child rejects the alienated parent - privately
The toxicity of PAS is not only in the
symptoms but also in the solutions chosen by courts. Sometimes,
if PAS is diagnosed, the alienated parent is given custody of
a child, against the child's own desire and will.
Immature Parents and Child Abuse
Children suffer when an immature parent tries to control or punish
the other parent. Immature parents often express their depression,
anger, and aggression by withholding love from their children. (Such children
often repeat these behaviors as adults).
Alienating a child's parent has similar
consequences to child abuse.
We help people to change the consequences of:
- covert emotional incest
- installed false memories
- physical, emotional or sexual abuse
- abusing children as dependent hostages
- betrayal or abandonment of one partner by the other
- court ordered suffering - child custody by a hated parent
Contact us to manage negative emotions
and solve relationship problems.
Family Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
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Martyn Carruthers 2004-2017 All rights reserved.