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Case Histories

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

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When Children Hate Parents

Although it is a crime to 'incite hatred on the basis of color, religion, or creed', this is common in dysfunctional families. A family member may be manipulated to hate another family member. A parent who incites a child to hate the other parent is guilty of Parental Alienation (PAS) - sometimes called emotional blackmail. A child is abused to punish a partner or to gain some advantage.

Many of the consequences are immediate, and some are delayed for years. Later in life many people experience buried emotions and realize the extent of the damage from being abused as a child.

Soulwork systemic coaching can help dissolve the consequences and prevent recurrence of abuse.

My Child Hates Me! / I Hate My Father!

There are systemic causes and consequences a child rejects a parent,. Both the family and the community will respond emotionally, usually to support the mother, regardless of the manipulation used to incite the child's rejection.

In extreme cases, a child victim of PAS may commit abuse and violence against the hated parent. A child, usually a boy, may attack or abuse the hated parent - usually the father.

Who Gets Hurt?

Children are intelligent and sensitive to family relationships. Although many adults consider children to be stupid and naive - children may be unable to communicate their observations with adult language - and ignored or ridiculed if they try. Children often communicate with emotions and symptoms.

• A child may be manipulated by a parent, for revenge or for custody
• A child may be simultaneously manipulated by both parents to reject each other
• A child may be guided by family or community members to reject their parents
• Adopted children may be encouraged to reject their birth parents

A child who rejects a parent, the rejected parent and the supported parent will show emotional consequences. These consequences are predictable and severe, yet are often ignored.

Parent Alienation Syndrome may include Emotional Incest. If so, later in life, the "emotionally entangled" adult child may suffer future partnership problems and sexual dysfunction.

[ Mother-Son Entanglement ] [ Father-Daughter Bonds ]

Parents who Alienate Children

Parental alienation predicts common behavior patterns that are often seen during marriage counseling, family therapy and relationship coaching. Cases of PAS concern separation and custody of children. However, most families, communities and courts tend to support a biological mother and deny support or custody to a biological or substitute father, regardless of "facts".

Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. A mother of pre-adolescent rejects her partner (their father)
2. The children support their mother and reject their father
3. The mother asks the children to tell the truth publicly
4. The children publicly support mother and reject their father
5. The rejection of father may include false memories implanted by mother
6. After adolescence, the children reject their mother and support their father

Systemic Sequence of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. The parents of children experience a partnership crisis that they cannot resolve
2. Instead of getting help, they become emotionally entangled in their crisis
3. One or both parents neglect the consequences on their children
4. One parent consciously rejects the partner's qualities (behavior, beliefs and / or values)
5. The parent also rejects the partner's qualities in the child
6. The child denies or suppresses qualities similar to those of the rejected parent
7. The child identifies with the rejecting parent, who is often perceived as a victim
   
8. The child dislikes and represses the "dangerous" qualities of the rejected parent
9. The child dislikes people who have similar qualities to the rejected parent
10. The child rejects the rejected parent - privately or publicly

After Adolescence

During and after adolescence, a child becomes biologically ready for partnership and parenthood. If an adolescent cannot fulfill these human needs, emotional outbursts are likely. The expression of a rejected parent's qualities (identity loss) may result in adolescent mood-swings and behavior changes. If the rejecting parent continues to reject these qualities in the adolescent children, consequences of identity loss include:

• delayed emotional adolescence - perhaps for years
• high motivation to dissociate (alcohol or drug abuse)
• emotional bonding to opposite sex parent (Emotional Incest)
• emotional bonding to same-sex parent (homosexuality)
• teenage-onset schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder
• teenage Depression, Anxiety and / or Learning Disabilities

Emotional Adolescence

During and after emotional adolescence (which may be delayed), an adult child is likely to accept and express the rejected parent's qualities. On gaining emotional maturity, the young adult may re-accept the rejected parent in a number of ways, including:

• identifies with the qualities of the rejected partner (Identification)
• oscillates between mother's and father's behavior (Identity Conflict)
• suffers trauma, depression or breakdown and retreats from reality (Lost Identity)
• partners a person who has qualities of a rejected parent (Transference)

The rejecting parent, the rejected parent and the adolescent children can all benefit from Soulwork coaching. Soulwork coaching can be provided simultaneously (systemic family coaching) or individually. Otherwise this unpleasant drama is likely to continue into subsequent generations.

[ Systemic Family Coaching ] [ Systemic Couple Coaching ] [ Private Coaching ]

Victim Identification

A set of symptoms associated with Parent Alienation Syndrome is Victim Identification. If the child perceives one parent as a victim, the child may identify with that parent and strongly express anger or rage to the other parent (the victimizer), often explosively and inappropriately. After adolescence, the same child may identify with the rejected parent, now perceived as the "real" victim, and express anger to the rejecting parent (now seen as the "real" victimizer).

Victim identification can be resolved using Soulwork systemic coaching.

[ Emotional Incest ] [ Identification ] [ Learning Disabilities ] [ Stress Disorders ]

Power & Privilege

Emotional blackmail is a common strategy for gaining and maintaining the benefits of child custody, even though a mother who disrupts father-child contact defined by court order may be acting illegally.

The best interests of the child, in a court of law, rarely mean the child’s best interests. Parents can vote, parents can file lawsuits and parents can pay lawyers. The child’s interests and rights are usually subordinate to the parents' interests. Children of divorce are rarely represented in court, and may be emotionally crushed during their parent's rivalry and power games.

[ Divorce ] [ Children of Divorce ] [ Parent Coaching ]

Typical PAS Scenario

1. A separated mother states that a child does not wish to visit the father
2. A social worker confirms that the child does not wish to visit the father
3. The custodial parent and social worker report to a court
4. A court limits the child's contact with the father
5. The child and rejected father lose contact until the child is adolescent
6. The child returns to the rejected father after adolescence

People who suffered PAS often report that they could not cope with the situation as children, and avoided, rather than hated, the other parent. If the rejecting parent continues to reject the qualities of the rejected partner, the adult child may avoid the rejecting parent.

Immaturity & Child Abuse

Children of immature parents will likely suffer from the often vicious tactics that immature parents may use to punish each other. Although immature parents express depression, anger, and aggression by withdrawing love, alienating a parent is child abuse.

Soulwork systemic coaching can help parents prevent and dissolve the consequences of:

• allegations of physical, emotional or sexual abuse
• using children as 'dependent hostages'
• instilling children with false memories

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Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2003 - 2005. All rights reserved.