Are you clinging to someone? Is someone clinging to you?
Do you want to solve relationship problems?
Mature Partnership Skills
In 2010, I typed
"mature partnership skills" into Google and read:
results found for mature partnership skills".
What does this say about the importance of maturity and partnership?
Whenever I coach couples to build mature and happy partnership, the following ideas seem
to remain more or less constant. Mature partnership
- ... is a team of two people ...
and requires team skills.
- ... is a committed relationship to achieve shared goals.
- ... implies active engagement
in fulfilling partnership goals.
- ... goals can only be achieved by two people
- ... needs acceptance, commitment, gratitude
If you cannot attract a suitable partner and you do not know have mature
partnership skills, are you
available for healthy
partnership? Even if you attract healthy people to you - are attracted to
Two common problems are that you may be bonded to a parent or fixated on a
past-partner. A common consequence is that you feel like you are finding the
same person over and over - but in different bodies! We can help you change things like this and move on with your life.
What do you hope for from Partnership?
We help couples enjoy partnership, which
includes dissolving fixations about parents and previous lovers. As both partners contribute to
relationship problems, both partners can learn to manage these relationship blocks. We
help partners to set partnership goals
I really loved him once, although I can hardly remember why.
He treated me badly but I stayed with him ... I couldn't stop caring for
the lost little boy in him ... And now, finally, it's over, mahalo ke akua ... and thank
you Martyn for your help! Kailua, Hawaii
Our premarital coaching helps
people ensure that they are compatible. Our couple counseling helps current
partners understand and love each other. Do you wish to improve your
relationships? We also coach some couples to separate
or divorce peacefully - and to prepare for healthier relationships.
As unresolved issues from past partnerships show up in subsequent partnerships,
we help people
change emotional conflicts with past partners. (Sometimes a past partner may be
a parent: Father-Daughter Bonds and
Mother-Son Fixations are common.)
What Happens when it's Over?
At the end of an intimate partnership, one partner will usually
move on, while the other partner (even if he or
she initiated the breakup) may cling to the old relationship. An ex-partner
who continues to feel love or tries to express love to the other, often
experiences crisis if the other communicates that these expressions
of love are not appropriate nor not wanted.
He was my first love and my first lover and we split over
ten years ago, but it was like he sat on me.
I couldn't get him off my mind. I married a man who was a bit like him -
which was stupid. Your coaching helped me grow up and move on. Milan, Italy
If you are emotionally entangled with a parent or past-partner, you
are probably clinging to what that person represents - not to who
that person is. Entanglement seems inevitable if your past partner
success or stability; or was a substitute for a
parent, a sibling or a previous partner.
My wife was my world. When we broke up,
I felt that she had stolen my life. She was my friend
and my lover - she was my mother, my daughter and my
mistress ... Since our coaching I know I can love a different
woman differently. Cardiff, Wales
What are Partnership Skills?
Fulfilling partnership goals requires relationship
skills - especially friendship skills and team skills. Partnership skills
are required for both successful parenthood and for project management.
What is a Partner?
When in a partnership, you become sensitive to your partner's
behavior. You will notice if your partner keeps his or her promises, supports
mutual decisions and brings resources into the relationship. You will react
if your partner abuses, betrays or abandons you.
If you partner someone, then that person's actions and
reactions may influence your behavior long after separating.
The behavior of a past partner may inspire you to find
another partner with similar or quite different qualities, or a past
partner may inspire you to avoid other partnerships.
Substitutes for Partners
Some people prefer an animal substitutes for a
partner to sharing life with another human
being. Other partner-substitutes include automobiles, houses,
televisions, computers and sports. If you want to stay
single - you can maintain these priorities.
Another common partner-substitute are people who are
not partners. A series of shallow affairs, for example, may reduce
your desire for committed adult companionship. Substitutes for
partners include parents, siblings and friends.
Emotions & Past Partners
If an intimate partnership ends because of abuse, betrayal
or abandonment, then the betrayed partner is likely to express strong
emotions (see affairs) and react childishly. The
abusive or betraying partner is likely to age-regress to some childhood trauma.
Also, if you are in a new partnership and still entangled with
a past partner, you may feel exhausted, and in your fatigue you may damage your
new relationship. You may also be more likely to fall into a transference ... "You're just like my last partner ...".
Many people carry emotional baggage about past partners for years. Some
things are objective - for example an ex-wife wants more alimony or an
ex-husband stalks his ex-spouse. Yet the majority of past-partner problems
concern limiting beliefs.
felt that he was always around me ... everything reminded me of him.
I would meet friends and feel bad that they were not him.
I tried sleeping with other men - hell I tried everything - but I
couldn't get him off my mind. I thought I was crazy. You
helped me move on. Leeds, UK
Do your thoughts of or longings for a past-partner:
- cause you to feel guilty or depressed?
- prevent you enjoying another partnership?
- encompass you, or seem to surround you?
- make you sick with anger, worry or remorse?
Is it time to end your fixation
to a past partner and regain your life?
Contact us to solve relationship problems so that you can move on.
Online Life Coaching, Relationship Counseling and Systemic Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers, 2006-2018
All rights reserved.